BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have been a participant in this community for a long time. I've seen people come and go and I've seen people stick around for ages. Each person has a unique story and a unique way to work toward recovery. I'm curious to know you work your way toward recovery.

None of us are perfect. We don't always stick to the Four Agreements or remember to untwist our thinking, but a good majority of people do learn ways to use the tools here to their advantage; even if it's only one or two things on which we rely.

I would love to hear how you make it work for you. For instance, I know when I'm facing a HUGE mountain of crap, I sit down an make a list. While making the list is time consuming, it helps me focus on what's really important. It gives me an opportunity to see the things in front of me and then take things one step at a time.

Steven Covey says it takes 21 days to make something a habit. So if I make a list every day for 21 days, on day 22, it should be second nature to me to make my list. This might help me always feel less inundated with crap since I will have a prioritized list -- I'll give that a shot. Lord knows I'm always going to have crap!

What about you? What have you done consecutively, that's working for you and how did you get it to stick? What about the reverse? Is there something you've done consecutively but it's not working for you and you're continuing to feel frustrated? If so, why aren't you reexamining things to try a different approach?

i haven't been here for very long, but i have been trying to practice dbt skills very similar to the ones used here for going on three years. it has been up and down of course, and i can't say i am at a very good or healthy place in my life right now, but there are some things that i am noticing really help me...

the one skill i use most consistently, and maybe this has something to do with the fact that i am very interested in zen buddhism and applying its practices into my life, is radical acceptance. it has brought me through some very difficult times and i believe i am getting better at applying it to myself every time i bring it to mind and use it. learning to accept things as they are, no matter how painful it may feel at the time, and realizing that there are some things - especially in others - that i can't change, gives me a kind of peace even in the midst of chaotic and difficult circumstances. it seems contradictory that these two emotional states can exist at one time, but it has done me a lot of good, and i believe i am still around because i am learning this skill...

another thing that has been helping me lately is making lists of pros and cons. it helps me to look at things objectively and see where my emotions and bpd behavior are coloring my thoughts and beliefs.
i am in the process of making a pros and cons list right now as i decide whether or not i should seperate or divorce from my husband. it is helping me to feel less overwhelmed, and hopefully this is a skill that i will continue to use...

i am going back to an intensive dbt program soon... i know there are many skills that i have not been able to stick to, and i want to change that. i think what i need the most right now to help me do that is to be around others who are learning the same things... not feeling so alone and allowing others to share advice and suggestions can be very motivating... i know that it all comes down to me and my own determination, but sometimes a person gets to a point when they have to accept help because things are kind of out of control, and that is kind of where i am at... or at least i feel that coming on and i know i need to get help before it is too late.

thanks for reading.

erin

i wanted to add this, because i just thought of it. i have been much more effective with these skills in the past month or so and i believe it has also been very helpful to me. this is something i am really working on sticking with, and it has taken a lot of determination, but i think i am beginning to see the benefits.

this dbt skill is about reducing vulnerabilty. the idea is referred to as pl.e.a.s.e. master: take care of (p)hysical i(ll)ness, which includes taking medication every day for depression or anxiety or whatever it is that keeps you from getting better. (e)at a balanced diet. (a)void mood altering drugs and substances like caffeine, alchohol, too much sugar, etc. which i have really been sticking to very well (NO ALCHOHOL FOR ME IN TWO MONTHS, NO MARIJUANA FOR ONE WEEK! well, it is a start anyway). balance your (s)leep schedule, by going to bed at the same time every night and getting a full 8 hours of sleep, but not sleeping too much. (e)xercise, which i have been doing pretty consistently in the past two months and has really raised my energy levels.

and (mastery) is about doing at least one thing a day that makes you feel confident and accomplished, no matter how small or basic it may seem. for me it has been my exercise program, and doing one thing around the house to help me feel more organized and in control of my life, like just doing the dishes or sweeping the floor, or maybe making a meal for myself without my husband's help. all this has helped me to function relatively well even in the difficult circumstances i have been experiencing lately.

i think what is helping me to stick to this stuff has been just me making a decision to take responsibility for my life and my emotions. it is hard, but in the end i know it is my life, and no one is going to fix it for me or give me all of the answers. i have to learn how to take care of myself before anything else...

not sure if this is exactly what you are asking for, i thought i would just share it with everybody cause i feel like this stuff is very important and it can help anyone, no matter what you are going through. really remembering this basic stuff and sticking to it can help you see the good functioning parts of yourself, not just the broken and messed up stuff. thanks for reading my long ramblings. hope it makes sense.

erin

I did two things:

1. Reminders. I'd carry a reminder card with me everywhere and leave a copy tacked by my computer to remind me of my goals so I'd see it every day and could physically look at it & use it as a tangible thing. I would carry a business-card sized list of affirmations about the Genuine Self I wanted to become to help me remember to focus on what my end-result goals were. I'd put a rubber band around wrist sometimes when I was heading into stressful situations to remind me to use my 4/5/10 tools. If I didn't have the physical present, I'd be much more prone to being swept up & lost in the mental stuff - and we know how chaotic that can be with Borderline!

2. Focus. I'd hit on something and stay focused with it for the next 2-3 weeks. That something could be a tool (like the Five Steps) or it could be something basic like "I notice I tend to assume the worst" and I'd set my awareness to a higher level to be on the alert for that and as it (the thing, whatever) would become more prevalent in my day-to-day life, I'd find that many more opportunities to work on my other tools and/or coping skills.

I think generally I've been motivated by a desperate need to feel better, and I've stuck with things when I've found they help! Does that sound overly simplistic?

A few things that help me make it stick...

• Accountability and encouragement. I tell people in my support network what I'm trying to do, and then I feel I actually have to do it! And it really helps to have people cheer me on. A T is great for this too.
• It's a lot easier for me to do something than not do something, so if my goal is to stop doing something, I try to find something to replace it with. For example, when I stopped self-harming, I didn't focus as much on "stopping" as I did on learning healthier ways of coping.
• Baby steps. If I try to learn too many skills at once, or make too many lifestyle changes, I get overwhelmed and don't manage any of it. I have to prioritise, and not expect myself to be perfect overnight.
• Understanding what drives my thoughts/feelings/behaviours seems to give them less power, and make overcoming them less of a struggle. My T has helped me make sense of things. I didn't expect that to make such a big difference, but it has!

I've also needed to take a few leaps of faith. There was one point I was doing all this CBT and it didn't seem to be helping at all. Eventually I gave up, and decided I would just let myself be depressed, and the only thing I'd try to do was stay alive until my next pdoc appt. I thought this was a fairly unhealthy move... but it turned out that radical acceptance and sitting with my feelings was exactly what I needed to do right then. I'd been fighting against my depression *too* hard and it just ended up being counterproductive. Everything in moderation is now my motto.

thanks everybody for sharing these thoughts and ideas... i have been reading them and thinking about them...



this reminds me of something i just recently learned in a book i have started reading about dealing with depression... because of or fight or flight instincts we are prone to respond to a crisis like depression by either running away and denying it altogether, or trying to fight it with all of our willpower, taking on much more than we can handle. so the first step towards healing in depression is sometimes to just "do nothing"... the purpose of this is to plant ourselves exactly where we are, face the depression without fear or judgement, refuse to run away, and to decide to learn what it has to teach us. i think that lesson is radical acceptance, just like you said... we have to radically accept ourselves and all our emotions and problems like this, without fear or judgement, before we can apply our tools and skills, because if we are coming at them with the intention of putting up the hardest fight we can, we are only going to overwhelm ourselves and dig ourselves deeper into it...

just some thoughts today...

erin

Hmmm.... thank you, erin, for sharing.

I have found that what you shared is true for me, although I can't remember reading it. When I started to recover was when I stopped doing what I was doing, and faced it head on. I just let it happen. Whatever I was and had been, I just accepted and dealt with it then and there, without putting it through my filters. I found that I had put myself through a lot of judgments and bullshit that wasn't necessary. I don't want to pretend to be. Whatever I am and will be, I'll just face that and deal with it. And if that makes me what I later perceive to be bad, well, I'll accept that.

I think women have been judged, and they are used to being judged - for my looks, my sexual habits, my skills, my ideas, my career, what I say, what I do, etc. I think it's time I gave myself a break. I don't want to pretend to be what I think is good or righteous. I just want to be what I am. F*** it.

amen to that!

At the same time, I think I'm pretty good at going by the Four Agreements. I have given an effort.

Don't take things personally (well, most of the time, exception is when i felt guilty lately),
Always do your best (I think i do my best about 50% of the time right now),
Be Impeccable with Your Word (on my mind a lot more than before, although I have to admit, I'm a procrastinator)
Don't Make Assumptions - has helped me tremendously. I have relied on it to grow!

I think what I meant by "I don't want to pretend" is that I grew up with the idea that I was to BE one person, PRETEND TO BE another person. It's ok for me to always be me, flawed and all. And that was my point.... my point was never to deny the tools. I use them and get outstanding use out of some....