BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My foster mother has BPD and she has been passively suicidal for years. She is facing misdemeanor charges now that might kill her because they have hit her harder than anything else has in the time I have known her. She lives too far away for me to be with her so all I can do is offer her my words and hope she lives through this newest challenge. It will take 6 to 8 months for this to go through the court system and every day is such a challenge that I am afraid she will give up and decide it is easier to die.

Let me give you all a bit of history so you understand the issue. My foster mother takes in distressed livestock that she purchases for cheap at livestock auctions and then she uses her nursing skills to bring them into good health to resell. I have done the same thing in the past because I love animals as much as she does and this is something we have in common. She currently has my horses because I don't have a place to board them and she agreed to care for them as brood mares in exchange for any foals she raised from them. She recently had a horse she has owned its entire life die at the age of 34, which is ancient for a horse. She has had extensive horse experience since she was a kid (her father had a stable) so she is very knowledgeable about horses and I trust her with mine completely. One of my mares got caught in a barbed wire fence and tore herself apart between her hocks (while kicking with the wire caught in that delicate area) and my foster mother doctored her for months so she healed, even though her vet suggested she put my mare down instead. I trust my foster mother with my life, something I can not say about many people.

The trouble began when she had some kid goats die two days after dehorning them (something that is "routine maintenance" in a goat herd). She threw them on a brush pile in order to cremate them (as recommended in case they were diseased) but the brush was not dry enough to burn right then. Someone driving by the property reported the dead animals. An Animal Control officer investigated the complaint and after asking my foster mother how the goats died, she charged her with four felony and five misdemeanor counts of animal cruelty! The felony charges were dropped but the misdemeanor counts have not been dropped yet. Animal Control has confiscated all of my foster mother's livestock and because my foster mother works at a jail, she is not able to return to work until the remaining charges are dropped. In the meantime she needs to pay for her legal defense without the benefit of a paycheck (she already paid $3500 to a bondsman to post a $35,000 bail and she gave her attorney a $2500 retainer for taking her case). If she is found guilty, she could be fined $2000 per count ($10,000 total) and she will have to pay Animal Control for taking care of her animals until the case is resolved. If she is not found guilty, she just has her bond and legal defense (which will probably come to around $10,000) without needing to pay Animal Control for caring for her animals since the legal justification for confiscating them would be dropped as well.

I am certain that my foster mother can beat the charges and she might even be able to get back pay from her employer for the time she is out of work over false charges. She should most certainly be able to sue Animal Control for their incompetence in the case. Apparently their "expert" witness has stated that the goats died from tetanus as a result of being banded (castrated) and yet they were does and not bucks, LOL. Additionally, the goats died about 48 hours after being dehorned, which would be too soon for tetanus to have killed them. One of the goats suffered a spinal chord injury days after the first four kid goats died, apparently by one of the horses judging from the bite marks on both sides of its lower back (probably the stallion since he also injured a mare by biting her) and my foster mother had to put it out of its misery by euthanizing it so it most definitely did not die the same way the other four died. My foster mother has statements from vets she has used over the years indicating that she did nothing wrong so I am sure those statements will have more weight than the statement from the prosecutor's vet stating that the doe goats died from tetanus as a result of castration!

Even though the charges will most likely be dropped as long as the jury is educated about livestock well enough to understand the vets' testimony, the seriousness of the charges will continue to have a damaging effect on my foster mother. She had applied for a loan and was waiting to hear back when she was asked how she planned to make her loan payments from jail (she could serve 6 months in jail if found guilty). I don't know if she will get the loan or not at this point but she is also looking for another job since she needs a paycheck before this is all over. She is worried that if the loan officer knew about the charges, a potential employer would find out as well. It does not matter that she is innocent since the newspaper reported the story as if she were guilty and went so far as to list her name and address in the articles.

At first my foster mother was upset and then she got angry enough to want to fight back. Now she is upset again, even though the prosecutor dropping the initial charges is a good sign that they don't have a case against her on the misdemeanor charges either. I don't know how to give someone a will to live when the things in life that bring them the most joy have been threatened. My foster mother told me that when she gets the horses back, she may have to send them all to slaughter in order to cover her defense because that is the only market for horses right now. I don't have the money to pick up my horses and board them myself but I may need to see what I can do to get them (she said someone there might keep them for me until I can come for them since someone has been asking about my palomino appaloosa mare - the one whose life she saved).

I am worried about my horses but I am even more worried about my foster mother. I could stand losing my horses more than I could stand losing her. I know it is selfish of me to be thinking of my own losses when she is losing so much but she is more of a mother to me than my own mother and I want her to stay in my life, even if she is far away. I did not think that I need a mother but I do need her more than I thought. I don't want her to kill herself over this and I know she is thinking seriously about it. If she is found guilty, it will be a death sentence because she has made it clear that she will suicide if that happens. I am worried that she will decide to stop fighting and decide to die no matter what since the newspaper article has already damaged her reputation where she lives. I told her she could come live with me but I don't know if she would do that. I find myself wanting to go stay with her until this is all over and yet that is not practical when I have my own family here. Unfortunately we live about 2000 miles apart so it is an expensive trip across the country just to visit.

I don't know exactly why I am sharing this with you all but I am hoping that perhaps someone has an idea what I can do to keep my foster mother alive for my own purely selfish reasons. I have been suicidal so I know there is nothing anyone can do to keep someone alive when they decide to die. I have gone through times where I thought that my death would be best for my own children so they would not have a mother with mental issues so I don't expect my foster mother to stay alive merely for my benefit. I have had friends commit suicide and I was happy for them that they were able to escape the pain they were suffering so I should want the same for my foster mother, except that I want her to be my mother and not leave me!

I am well aware that I am being quite selfish and even childish by putting my own desires above hers. I need to find a way to be okay no matter what happens because I may lose her over this.

Denim,

I am so sorry you and your foster mother are going through this. There are several rescue groups that take horses....not sure of the names, but I'm sure you could locate them online. Perhaps she could make arrangements with them to at least care for them until she is once again financially stable.

I know I would be devastated if in her position and yours. I sincerely hope she can resolve this soon.

cosmo

(((Denim))):

I know you probably recall how I feel about all of this, my own Mother having killed herself and all.

This site has some good suggestions no matter which end of this kind of tragic situation you are on: http://www.suicidal.com

I don't think you are being selfish for not wanting her to kill herself. I can understand it, too, having been suicidal myself, but it is still a horrendous, horrendous thing to do to those that love you.

Also, about feeling childish. In my experience, pretty much everyone is [in feeling] about three (3) years old when their parent(s) die, and when it's by suicide, it's all the more traumatic and horrific.

You are correct when you say that if she is hell=-bent on it, you cannot stop her. All you can really do is keep being available to talk and to urge her to get the necessary professional help.

Living under that constant threat sucks, too. I'm sorry, ((Denim)), all the way around.

As ever,

J.

P.S. Killing oneself is what is fucking selfish, (imo). I don't do it, bc I can't do it to my brother or my H, but especially my brother who already had his Mom (and two good friends) do it.

I have sort of dropped out of my own thread, perhaps because there was nothing specific I wanted from anyone. I posted because I feel so helpless in this situation but everyone else is just as helpless as I am so I did not have an expectation that anyone would have a solution to the problem. I suppose I just wanted to be heard that I am having a hard time with the thought that I may lose my mother to something beyond my control. I want her to be okay so I don't have to worry about losing her and that is where my desire is selfish since my wanting her to live may not be what she wants for herself and I have to be able to live with my feelings of loss if she chooses to die.

It is a horrible situation to be in, as there's so little you can do about it.

I hope everything works out OK!

Denim,

I know you think it is selfish, but I don't see it as being so selfish. Life can be worth living, and sometimes the ones we care about reach places where they don't realize that. I don't think it's selfish to want to keep them alive until they do.

I hope things work out for you, and that you feel better about the situation.

I have spent most of my life waiting for my father to die so I can have my real mother back so I would be glad to lose him. If my real mother died, I would feel sad at the lost opportunity to have an adult relationship with her but it would not affect me very much to lose her. Sadly, I would be more upset to lose a dog than either of my parents because my dogs are a daily part of my life and I would feel the loss more. My father has disowned me (because I married a Mexican older than him) and does not allow my mother to have a relationship with me. My foster mother is the one who has been more of a mother to me and so I guess I have stronger feelings of attachment to her as a result.

When I first went to live with her, I was pretty messed up. She could not come anywhere near me because my startle reflex was so sensitive. If I were sitting in a chair and she walked into the room, I had to stand because I was so afraid of being trapped in the chair where I could not get away from her if she came after me. I could not tolerate her being behind me at all so I always walked behind her. If she tried to touch me at all, I freaked out and pulled away from her. It took awhile before I could sit near her. It took longer for me to cry around her. Eventually I was able to lay my head on her lap while she stoked my hair. It was hard at first but then it became such a wonderful feeling. After I was comfortable with her touching me, I was able to let her hug me and at some point I was even able to hug her back.

I think that what is so hard about the thought of losing her is that there will never be anyone else who will stroke my hair the way she did or put their arms around me and hold me when I feel like I am going to cry. I miss that with her being so far away but the thought of never having that again the rest of my life scares me. It is a completely selfish and childish desire on my part. I don't want to need her and yet I feel like I do need her. I don't want to lose someone who loves me unconditionally the way she does. No one else has seen me at my worst and loved me anyway.

Denim, I don't think there is anything wrong the way you feel about not wanting to lose your foster mother. She sounds like a wonderful, caring person. Of course you dont' want to lose her. I don't look at that as being selfish. I look at it as someone who has a lot of love for someone else and cares for them. Of course you dont' want to lose her! She's been a very important part of your life. Rather than seeing this as a negative, I would look at it as wanting to preserve a very special relationship.

Do you see yourself telling your Foster Mother what you wrote here about stroking your hair and how you feel unconditional love from her? I don't mean with an agenda of trying to keep her from killing herself, but just for you, so that you'll know that you said it and that she knew.

Perhaps you already have. It just occurred to me as a more practical suggestion I could give. Also, not ending a phone call with any kind of conflict can be helpful for you should the worst happen.

People seem to pass a certain point after which they cannot necessacarily 'hear' pleas not to 'do it,' and so often such pleas (naturally enough really) take the form of guilt provocation and anger. If the person is 'past the point' those, again, really natural, responses, just seem to produce diminishing returns.

The tragic trouble of it is that one never knows where the person contemplating suicide actually 'is' in the thinking (albeit distorted thinking) process.

I don't think a person can go wrong continuing to relay how much you love and need/want them in your life, however.

I wish this weren't happening, Denim!

As ever,

J.

I think that my distress is compounded by my feelings about feeling the way I do about losing her - secondary feelings, I believe they are called. I feel so childish for wanting a mother when I am a mother myself!

I don't want to feel like I need her and it upsets me that I am attached enough to her so that losing her is going to hurt more than the thought of losing her hurts now. When I fist met her I was too angry to have any other feelings for her. I pretty much used anger to protect myself from feeling anything else because it was the most "powerful" feeling I knew and I hated feeling powerless.

If I could only be angry at her and not feel sad, then I would not have this scared sadness that I am feeling about losing her. I love her and I have told her that I love her but now I don't want to love her anymore because love hurts and I don't want to be hurt when that love is gone. If she goes then maybe I will be angry enough to stop loving her anymore.

For a very unnatural process, (suicide or the threats thereof), you have perfectly articulated what, imo, is a 'natural' reaction to the situation presented by your Foster Mom as it affects (effects?) you.

I experienced the above for a great deal of my life, and after. One wierdness after another. When she was alive, I recoiled when she tried to hug me. After her decomposed body was removed, I buried my hands and face in the sloffed off skin cells and other 'debris'.

My brother has decided that loving is not worth the risk. I can and do see his view, and I see how it protects him, (while also isolating/imprisoning him), much like my depression/extreme anxiety/panic onset 'just like hers' protects and, at the same time, isolates and imprisons me.

Seen from my limited view of your history, this is the stuff of recovery, Denim.

And should the worst happen, (or just dealing with it as it is without the awful shattering on the back end) if you can somehow prevent yourself from dissassociating, (which I had to forceably do at the time), and endure/take it all in, I think it would provde, (again, staying present and somehow enduring all in one place and/or person), this emotional/cognitive dissonance in extremis, could provide for you a major breakthrough if your goal is integration or even status quo with no more dis - integration.

Wow, I like and respect you so much, Denim. This all just came out, but I'm going to push 'submit' and hope that it will be OK!

I have mixed several concepts up. I'm sorry about that. I lost myself in it for a minute, (or more), and then 'came back out' to you, and it definately shows here.

I appreciate your understanding where my head is taking me with this! I do tend to prefer to stay "removed" in order to observe things on an intellectual level rather than to feel things on a more personal level. I know logically there is nothing I can do and it feels foolish to expend so much energy on useless feelings that won't do anything to solve the problem. I want to be numb to the way I feel and at the same time I don't want to lose the feeling of loving and being loved. I already lost that with my real mother and I don't want to lose it with my foster mother.

When I shut off the feeling mechanism, all feelings are gone and I can't even remember what the feelings felt like anymore. I can't remember love between my real mother and me and sometimes I have a hard time remembering her at all. In a way she is already dead to me. My foster mother is still alive in my memories but if I lose her in life I may lose my memories of her as well. I don't know why I think that I need her to stay in my heart but my feelings want her there and my mind is afraid of losing her. I want to be able to make her stay but I know that my selfish desire will not keep her alive. If she dies part of my self may die too! I have never loved anyone who died before.