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I had an interesting experience this morning. I know I'm getting better now! I went to the dentist and he looked at my implants and the site where he removed one of the posts. This is going to be a very long process. What should have taken 3 months is now going to take maybe 9 months, maybe more.

So the dentist, who only knows me for a short time, says to me, "Well, I know you're a patient person." ME???? I can be the MOST impatient person I know! At the beginning when I first had the implants put in and had all the pain and trouble, I was very frustrated. But I realized that this is no one's fault, that shit just happens. And I'm Radically Accepting that this will be a longer process than I expected, and I just have to take one day at a time.

This is such a new concept for me! A year ago, I would have been angry at the dentist, angry at his office staff, angry at the whole situation. But now I have no anger in me at all. Just acceptance that this is the way things turned out. I can't believe the change in me! My T must be doing cartwheels in the hall!!!!

I know I'm tooting my own horn again, but I am constantly amazed at the changes I'm experiencing. I know I have more work to do, but I can't believe I am where I am. It's a miracle!

I am totally grateful for this change. The best part is the way other people relate to me. I am not looked at like that crazy person anymore. It's wonderful! I'm not throwing hissy fits in the dentist's office, like I did a few months ago. It's amazing!

Okay, I'm through now. I just wanted to share that I see it can be done. I never thought it possible. I just hope it lasts. (See, there's still that little doubting part of me tucked into my brain)!!!!

Wow, that's great! It shows me the tools really work. You can keep it up. I think the doubt is good. It keeps us on our toes, not allowing us to take anything for granted!

I guess you're right Harmonium. I can't allow myself to think "this is it" and not use the skills I've learned. I have to always use them. I never know when I might fall into a depression again. I don't dwell on it, but I know there's always the possibility. But by keeping up and going to therapy, I know my T would be able to tell if things were sliding. At least I can be grateful for what I have now.

You are handling this really well BG. Way to go! "It just is!" No blame.

Well Done, BG!

I wasn't trying to admonish you or point out flaws; I don't want to come accross wrong here. I really believe there is a positive side to self-doubt and I wanted to point that out. Self-doubt can be used to Prevent backslides, IMO. Maybe I need to word things better, but I'm still learning with this on-line communication. I think you have gone through a really rough time and handled it remarkably well. I am truly happy for you! You seem to have good insight and I'm proud of you for that too. Congrats!!!!

Harmonium, I did not think you were trying to admonish me. I happen to be very superstitious. In the past, when things went well, I got scared. I was scared the good stuff would be taken away from me. Now I enjoy the good stuff, but a part of me still is a little fearful. It's like I don't want to tempt fate or G-d.

I'm Jewish. In our culture, some people (not all) have certain rituals to ward off the "evil eye." For instance, when a baby is born we put a red ribbon on the carriage, crib and high chair. Red is to ward off the "evil eye." When we or someone else says something good about our kids, we'll say at the end of the sentence "poo-poo" - also to ward off evil. It's not a religious thing - it's more of a cultural thing. Probably began in Eastern Europe. So I always have a watchful eye out that sometimes keeps me from enjoying myself 100%.

Plus, when I was pregnant the first time, I was obnoxiously happy. The baby died. For years after that, I was scared to death to be happy again. I equated being happy with something I love being taken away from me. I'm better now, but as I said, I look over my shoulder a lot. Whether it's realistic or not, I don't know. But I am better than I used to be.

Thanks for explaining Bordergirl. Sometimes I overthink everything.

I always wondered what the red ribbon was for. I find these things (cultural differences) fascinating. I don't like to 'tempt fate' either.
I hope that you allow yourself to relish in this time. It sounds from all your posts that you are feeling great. Enjoy it, you fought hard for it. I wish you well.

Harmonium - thank you!

Bordergirl,
I've also found that I have this fear of being too happy - like if you are, then no way it's going to last. I manage this fear by not putting too much emotion into anything now, good or bad. That way, everything 'just is' and if it's good and it lasts, then great, if not, then oK, I'll move on. Previously, everything was either really good or really bad which is not great for mood control. So I've learned (over a long time) to move towards the middle and just enjoy it at a moderate level. I still get a lot out of that, but now if something happens to end the 'happiness', I don't crash as badly. Good on you for being able to accept things for being what they are.

Thanks bpdmumfromoz. I am still learning how to balance things. I used to live on two ends of the spectrum - things were either very good or very bad. I have to learn to "live in the middle." It's a new concept for me. Sort of like taking one day at a time, not projecting too much into the future, which I used to do. It's not easy, but I'm trying.