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Re: My Post "It is so hard" - is it possible for me to ever trust my BF again now that I know he was seeing someone else behind my back for several months and when he had to tell me about her because she got pregnant, lied to me about how they got together and when she got pregnant, and is still in touch with her (too often for my liking)? Is it possible for me to take him at his word that NOW he is committed to me and that he will not stray again? Should I:

A) Trust him completely. Everyone deserves a chance to prove him/herself.

B) RUN. He'll never change.

C) Stay with him but keep checking up on him to make sure he really is where he says he is and he really is not talking to any other women.

D) Stay with him, trust him, but make sure he knows that I am still suspicious and want to be kept in the loop about his relationship with the pregnant woman.

Can a mod fix that for me so that one sentence of the explanation does not show up as an option in the poll? THX!

IMO, choices C and D above are variants of choice B because they do not include giving him your trust. IMO when it comes to giving our trust, there are only two choices. All in or all out. And if it turns out to be the wrong choice, its our bad, not theirs. We all get a 50-50 chance, every time.

A) Trust him completely. Everyone deserves a chance to prove him/herself.
Don't like this. "Trust him completely" is an absolute and therefore unrealistic. When I set unrealistic goals for myself, I set myself (and anyone else involved) up for failure. If you ARE ready to trust him, then you have to let it all go. And if you honestly aren't ready to do that, then you may not want to try.

B) RUN. He'll never change.
Again, an absolute! But a LITTLE more realistic than the first (to me) because it comes closest to acknowledging that he MAY NOT ever change. So walk, don't run. Leave yourself an option in case this relationship ISN'T what you need.

C) Stay with him but keep checking up on him to make sure he really is where he says he is and he really is not talking to any other women.
That's not very nice, is it? Would you like it if he were always "checking up" on you? What would you do if you DID find something? Does talking to the cashier in line at the grocery store count as "any other women"? That sort of behavior can create stress and resentments REALLY fast. I know. I've done it. Blew up all over me. I would call C's work, drive by his work, drive by his XGFs house, check the parking lot of the bar, ask his friends what he's been doing. I drove five hours from Indiana to Michigan one night because I thought I heard some girl he used to know say she'd called him. Don't do it. Don't drag yourself and him there. Don't put either of you through that suspicious, jealous hell.

D) Stay with him, trust him, but make sure he knows that I am still suspicious and want to be kept in the loop about his relationship with the pregnant woman.
So...stay with him, but never let him off the hook? "Make sure he knows", hmm? How, How often? Every day? Every week? Every time he gets off the phone with her? How do you plan to enforce this?

IBF and Minx,
You both make good points. Minx - I am doing a lot of what you described in part (C). I am housesitting this week so I am not staying at our apartment with him. I am SO NERVOUS because I can't be there to see what he is up to. I went there on Tues. night for a while and he came to the place where I'm housesitting last night, but I am still worried every minute of every day. Not a good way to live, I know. I want to talk to him some more about how he knows he can be faithful to me now when he wasn't before and how serious he is about that commitment. I just don't want to look like the idiot that got fooled.
Another thing that bothers me: do you think I look like someone with absolutely zero self respect because I stayed with him even after learning that he cheated on me and lied to me? Has he maybe lost respect for me? I have been working overtime to gain his approval and show him that I can be all that he needs - that he doesn't need to look elsewhere anymore- but it seems to be backfiring. My T thinks I am "trying too hard." What's your take?

can i interject something, NAM? another possible choice?

i think all of the above are not good.

how about trust some, try again if YOU choose, but dont give your heart and soul so completely to another person? i dont agree making sure he "knows" , that will not work. i dont agree with " snooping on him" as you will find something you dont like every time when one does that.

i dont agree with he will never change, sure he can and might.

i dont agree with 100% trust and drown yourself in someone else. i think all choices are too black and white. sorry. i think there is options you havent seen yet.............

The only option you give for leaving is "run". I would suggest the better leaving option (if that choice is made) would be "walk away from the relationship because I know the relationship is not healthy and is not what's good for me". Or it could be "choose not to remain in the relationship because I can see that the relationship I want will not happen with him". (The assumption there is this is the sort of relationship one only has one of, and that you have certain ideas what you want in that.) Something along those lines.

How about "Choose to stay with him for today, but focus on myself instead of obsessing about him"?