Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 10:56 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 2 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Letting Go --- Letting it flow
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:29 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:37 am
Posts: 13
Location: Western Michigan
I have always carried with me this deep intense anger at my father for dying in a plane crash when I five. I have attributed every bad thing that happened to me since then to his abandonment of me (and my family). It took awhile to understand that I was angry at him. After all I cling, so hard to the few memories I have of him (all good). It took a while to see how I lost my identity when I lost him. I was no longer Daddy's little girl (youngest of 7) and all the special privileges that I enjoyed were in an instant taken away. For 38 years I have had this anger inside me and I really did not know that when I was angry at the little things in life I was tapping into the anger at him. How could he have left me? When you are five the world is still pretty much all about you. I got stuck there... in that anger that I had buried because I was suppose to be strong for my mother. That is what everyone told me. Back then they did not know how to talk to kids about grief. Avoidance of feelings, discussions, and anything that reminded us of him were gone shortly after he was gone.

My T has had me trying to write him a letter, expressing my feelings. It has been helpful and it turned into a poem. This weekend I took my son to my mom's house in Missouri for his week of camp Grandma and I spent the weekend there before returning to Michigan. There is a National Forrest there that I have always felt a connection with. The river that runs through it is clear, mostly shallow with ever changing features. I like to go there and walk the river and see what it has to say to me.

This trip I noticed the exposed roots of so many trees on the bank as there were a lot of spring flooding. When I got to my usual spot to sit and write, I pulled out my journal and began to write about the roots and why are some trees leaning over the river soon to fall and others standing strong and straight. Then I thought of myself and my own roots. I have a large family so in theory I have a large root system. Yes, losing my dad was a blow to me but is it really enough to topple me into the river? My siblings are all standing strong handling what life throws at them. Why am I teetering on the edge of this river? It is the anger and confusion that I have never admitted much less let go of that has weakened me and brought me to this BPD.

So I did something radical. I forgave him. I admitted my life choices are not his fault. I took responsibility for my life and my choices. He did not choose to die, it is not his fault that it happened. But it was not enough to just write it. Writing does not make it true. I am a physical person. I need something tactile to really get it. So I went to the strongest rapid in the river where there was a deep v in the rocks that the water rushed through. I went there and carefully lowed myself into this V of the rapid and let the water wash around me. At first I was hanging on the slick rocks bracing myself. I began meditating on letting go of my anger. I felt my feet floating and bobbing in the water. I found a rock to sit against and let go of my hands and let them bob in the water too. I watched the water rushing past me and knew that the anger at my father was going with it I kept telling myself that it can not return because it can not come back up river. I was careful to cling to the good memories. My memories. Not what I have been told about my father but those few things that I remember. And from those few things I know my dad loved me and believed in me.

I know this is only the beginning of recovery. If I am not blaming my father and accepting my responsibility for my choices than it is I that I will have to forgive next and I have years of baggage to sort through and understand so that I can let go of all the things that contributed to my ever present anger that I push down and let eat at me until I explode.

But for now... Let go and let it flow is my new mantra.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Letting Go --- Letting it flow
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:31 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 319
That was really nice to read. Thanks.

_________________
A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep. ~Saul Bellow


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 2 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group