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I am sorry I don't know where this thread belongs. So I do apologize in advance if I placed it in the wrong forum.

Okay so this is me in a nutshell what I deal with. I am bringing it with me in print out for my psychiatrist I see Monday. This guy is leaving I only saw him once before I liked him but this is my last meeting with him. Then a new doctor comes on board it is Magellan and nobody seems to stay.

I am not asking for you guys to diagnose me. If you think somethings match some illness or something else don't be afraid to mention it. I wouldn't consider it you diagnosing me, it would be an opinion based on your own knowledge. I would take all with a grain of salt.

So here it is:

Medicines I am on

Seroqual: 400 mg
lexapro 20 mg
Clonaspin 1.5 mg
Bennedryl 50 mg to help with the side affects of Seroqual such as Restless leg syndrome


There are about ten emotions I go through that make up the basis for other problems: Anxiety, Fear, Anger, Lonlieness, Jealousy, Rage, Abandoned,Manipulative, Ashamed, Remourse. In different situations they make up other problems.

When I feal I am not being listened to or validated: Anger, Rage, Abandoned, Remourse, I first am angry, and then it turns to Rage, screaming curse words and demeanoning things, then comes Abandoned so I apologize or push away so the person doesn't leave me. I fear lonliness. Then comes Remourse which feeds into the "Poor Self Image"

I see things in Black and White, either somebody is for me or against me, somebody is taking my side, or an enemy. Somebody is good or bad, somebody is mean or nice, caring or insensitive. Nothing inbetween works for me. It is either all or nothing attitude I generally have.

When I am stressed by work and school it gets to the point of high stress levels, which then feed into the other part of my brain which cause hallucinations visual shadows I feel creeped out by. Then come self harming voices. When I am not stressed I don't have a problem with the hallucinations both visual and auditory, I don't have a problem with them either when I am in rage or angry or even depressed.

Environmental Change: I can't handle family change, where somebody new comes into the environment I am used to. Meeting new people is not a problem for me, being friends with them and them getting new friends later on is a problem. I have jealousy and fear. I fear that the person will be loved more or bonded more. I am jealous that they are there in my friend or family's life. I also have fear of abandonment I will be replaced.

My negative thoughts can be very severe towards somebody I am angered by. The feelings can last for only a couple of days if the negativity towards the person who angered me is severe.

My emotions change throughout the day, I am never the same mood for more then a couple of hours. I can be happy and calm for weeks and months, but anger and rage only last a couple of hours not even two hours. I find my emotions change a lot. Depending on what I am thinking of or feeling.

I cannot always express which emotion I have, it is difficult I feel I am dealing with so many I cannot pin point the emotion that is causing more of the problem of an issue dealing with negativity, ei: Person or place

I don't like any unfamiliarity, everything has to have a schedule or routine I work best if I know what is going to happen. Anything that is spontaneous can scare me into panic mode and I don't feel as secure

I have paranoia based on how people look at me, or if they are talking about me, or if they can hear my conversation when they are a block away.

I can get violent in my rage: I can push, shove, and slap

I do not like what I see in the mirror I have poor self image, I think I am a bad person or flawed. That I should have never been born.

I seek medical attention on anything because really I am wanting help for something I don't understand that is bothering me.

For instance: I see the doctor about my wrists hurting or any joint pain, when really I am not feeling mentally well such as depression. Some cases I can't identify if the pain is mental or physical elsewhere then what I am being treated for.

I seek attention, I make up stories that would test the waters with the people around me. I test it to see if they would care for me, or they would be there for me.

I am manipulative if I don't get my way, I find a way with talking about it until I annoy the person into finally giving in.

I am quick with judgement, I judge before I meet somebody, if that person is not somebody I like when I first meet them. I let them know with dirty looks and being stand offish. I can even verbally abuse them with demeanoning things when I feel very threatned such as with much sarcasm that is embedded with harshness: Yeah I would really like to get to know you better *rolls eyes* and walks away.


I am impulsive, with money I spend the moment I get it in my hand, on anything I can get in the store my interests are movies and other things. Even if there is no movie I want I wont leave the store until I buy something even if it is not what I really want which isn't out yet. I have trouble saving money because of this.

I used to cut on myself, because I would go through deep depressions where I either felt numb or didn't have another outlet for the anger. I would take a thumb tack or even unravel a paper clip to where it was sharp and dig in. I have noticable scars on my arms because of this. Luckily I didn't do that with knives. Although knives are kept away from me.

I am out for being vindictive if you hurt me I will make sure I hurt you worse then you hurt me. I am quick with revenge. Mainly it is self harming myself.

I attemtped suicide with no notion of dying, just to get back at people I love because I fear their abandonment. I don't take a strong dose of anything, or go overboard with a strong dose, I seek help the moment I have swallowed the pills. I don't want to die I just want to be validated.

I go out of the way for attention with severe harming methods, such as the attempted suicides I listed above and the bullemia I put myself through for a month when I was fifteen. It is to test if people will react in a supportive manner.

If nobody gives me the support I need, or cradles me, I am easily angered.


The only pschosis symptoms I have is in severe stressful situations that bring them on.

I have also ocd where I have thought disturbances such as being unfaithful or betraying somebody eventhough I havent. Because I am afraid of loosing the person. I can't seem to get those negative thoughts out of my head very long. I seem to dwell on them. Until I can work it through logically.

I loose base with reality, because I start to believe the seeking attention methods I use. Using Bullemia to seek attention I started to beleive it.