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 Post subject: He's gone.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:34 am 
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Okay... I'll try and give my best...
(If I make any bad mistakes in language, please let me know.)

Actually radical acceptance is already a part of my daily life and thinking. But in this situation somehow I don't really get it.
My boyfriend and I split up about two months ago. Actually he split up with me. I understand his reasons. I acted absolutely psycho. Part of the problem is that I deal with obsessive relationships. But I didn't understand that while being in a relationship with him. Whatever, in the beginning I was absolutely fine but sometime later I freaked out completely. He didn't want to take this any longer - what I really understand - and split up with me.
By now he has a new girlfriend. Sometimes we still talk over messenger.
The problem is... meanwhile I'm able to accept how it is now most of the time. But at times... I just can't take it. I miss him so much. Although he's still there in a way. I want him to be happy but hell why can't he be with me now that I'm on my way out of this shit again? Goddamn tears. I'm so sick of this. This is so selfish and I don't want to be like that. I want him to be happy and I want to go on living my life. Maybe we'll try again some day. Who knows.
At the moment my thoughts are quite confused again so I think I should better stop. Writing.
I just search for thoughts that really get to my feelings.
It's so hard to accept this and I feel like I can't get it on my own.

Does any of you maybe have some thoughts for me? *sigh*


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 Post subject: Re: He's gone.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:25 pm 
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Hi Funambola. Welcome to BPDR! I'm Harmonium, and I'm pretty new around here too, although I visit often.

We don't know each other very well yet and I'm not trying to assume anything about you or your situation. I'm going to just give you my thoughts based on your post. Your English is fantastic, by the way. I studied German in high school, but there is no way I could converse in your language the way you can in mine. I'm impressed!

For me, Radical Acceptance doesn't mean I have to like a situation. It just means that I have to 'accept' the reality of the way things ARE. It sounds to me like you are facing that kind of delima. Your bf broke things off and has now moved on, but you have also made some changes and would like a second chance. Is that right? If so, IMHO, Radical Acceptance would be accepting that you and your bf are no longer together. That would involve you trying to find a way to be happy in your life without him. Not necessarily being happy about that turn of events, but realizing it is what it is. What better way to demonstrate to yourself and others that you are no longer obsessive than to move on?

I hear you saying that you want to be happy for him but it hurts you to do so because you still have feelings for him. I sympathize with your situation as I understand it--I have been there before myself. Many of us have. Letting go of someone we care for can be a very difficult thing to do. It helps me to know that a certain amount of 'grieving' for the relationship can be a very normal thing. It's getting stuck in that grieving stage I try to avoid.

Have you read the Tool section on the left upper hand of your screen? I think maybe the five steps could help you identify a good direction for you to go with this problem. I have found that tool to be particularly helpful.

Best wishes to you!

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: He's gone.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 8:08 am 
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Hey...

Quote:
Your English is fantastic, by the way.

Oh thanks. *blushes*

And thanks for your words. (:

Thinking about it... yeah I think you might be right with this "dilema".
Acutally I know it's just accepting how things are and that I don't have to like how they are. But sometimes... yes I think sometimes it's confused.
Getting stuck in the grieving. I think that's the problem I have.
Gosh it's hard to sort these thoughts.
Yeah I think I'll go through the five steps again. And look a bit at twisted thinking.
Maybe that's the first step to really accept and keep the acceptance.

I hope what I wrote is not too mixed up. I'm just quite... confused atm.


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 Post subject: Re: He's gone.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 8:33 am 
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I think you can go a step beyond accepting the way things are -- and accept how you feel about it. I have found that if I don't accept my feelings, I never quite stop feeling them, and they fuel bad behavior on my part. If I accept the feelings, let myself feel them, they go away on their own pretty soon and I can get on with my life.

jim

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 Post subject: Re: He's gone.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 8:47 am 
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Thanks. I didn't think about this. (Maybe cause I was told that what I feel is wrong. Anyway he told me so. And he can be very convincing.) But I'll try that.


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