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 Post subject: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:32 pm 
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to re-emphasise something minx posted in another part of the board...

radical acceptance means seeing, knowing, and FEELING something just is.

it isnt to not hate it. it isnt to like it. its just to KNOW it is.

not easy, no. sometimes very hard. something i have worked on just lately, in real life.

i can have the feelings about it, i hate it, i grieve, i feel sad, i feel angry. but i now KNOW it IS. i become a observer, not a participant. (to borrow another posters words in another thread) . i watch, i process feelings that come up while i watch. but i wont participate in anothers destruction. i wont beat my head against a brick wall trying to get someone to see and do what i want.

this just IS.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 8:09 pm 
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to continue this thought,

i am still working on this in counseling. i think to do this i must feel my feelings. my anger, my grief. my fear. feeling them does not mean i havent accepted my H's choice for his life. it may mean i will never AGREE with it. but its reality and he has chosen this way to die. yes, he will drag some of us with him to take care of him as his health fails. that is just my karma. im ok with that. i vowed that when i married him.

i certainly wont help him. i will pray every day about this. i believe God will help me.

i do have to face this tho. acceptance, he is gonna die from drinking and he has chosen to do this. that simply IS. i can feel from observing, but i dont have to live it along with him. i dont have to own his choice. i am good with the fact now, he made it and its his choice. i cant stop him, nor should i be able to. its his right.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:09 am 
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I'm really impressed with your acceptance! I know it's difficult for you Jody. But you're doing really well!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:18 am 
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I hit on this observe thing just recently Jody

I have to say it is incredibly helpful as regards acceptance, to actively just take my emotions out of the situation. Sure I have to deal with the situation still and yes I can acknowledge I feel any number of things. But doing it this way means I can deal effectively with the situation, without throwing in all of the attached emotions, whilst I am trying to be effective. Its amazing what can happen if we sit back accept something as it is. There is an inner peace to it. Observing from this vantage point really helps me see exactly what is going on and how to proceed, with my own stuff.

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i wont beat my head against a brick wall trying to get someone to see and do what i want.


This is something I have also come to acknowledge myself. Good stuff!

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:41 am 
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when one learns this, and practices it, it can become funny. i can sit back and watch as my H says his usual exactly the same shit, expecting me to react in my past usual way of owning his stuff and feeling it for him.

when i dont, he has this look on his face like-- what? it doesnt stop him, what it does is FOR ME. since i am all i can control , that is the deal.

i noted in your other thread, tracy, your questions. yes, boundaries are hard. if you find they arent working for you, then i would suggest revisit your consequence choices with these people. they may never get your point. they may never come around to what you wish. it doesnt matter! you can protect YOU. that is what boundaries are for.

and once we can observe, and not "participate" ie own their stuff and feel their feelings for them, we will always be ok/ we know where we stop and they begin. it can be time consuming and tough, yes. consistency is the key.

then you can step back and not be feeling their shit...but just "see" them doing it. much easier and less draining when you FEEL those boundaries and know whose shit is whose.

the emotions you feel are yours. a big difference between feeling THEIRS and the helplessness that comes with it and lack of power. people want us to feel their feelings for them so they dont have to face them or feel them.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:15 pm 
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I just realized that I think I have been doing this. Lately, sometimes, when my H gets mad at me for something, instead of reacting, I just sit there and smile. I don't "own" his shit, I just let him say what he wants and get it over with. I don't get angry like I used to do. I tell him he can be mad at me but I'm not fighting with him or getting angry at him. It really can diffuse a situation. I like this!

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:08 pm 
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Yeah Jody it sure does help! Perhaps I need to accept tho more I am human and just sometimes, like when there is a lot on my plate. I am too tired to go there lol. Meaning my stress is up right now, I myself am going through some hard stuff. Dealing with my stuff has to take precedence. So yes I agre this buys you freedom, perhaps it is just my current situation that leaves me short on resources and struggling I guess. When myself is crying for care, it is all I can do to care for myself, at the very least!

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:20 pm 
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Sometimes I feel guilty taking care of myself. You know - I "should" be doing this or that in the house, instead of resting when I need to rest. But if we don't take care of ourselves, we run on short supply. I am really learning this with having fibromyalgia. There are just some things I cannot do. I have to accept that. It's taking me years to learn that, but I think I'm getting closer. I used to think it was being lazy, but I'm not lazy. I just have limitations. It's just the way it is. I'm not asking anyone for sympathy or anything like that. I just realize what I can and cannot do. Ang taking care of myself needs to be a priority.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:17 pm 
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tracy, when you are a mom, or someday God willing a granma, we have to make priorities. us, then kids, then grands. food, shelter, love, clothing, etc.

many times we do not have enough to help jane or john. sometimes we dont have enough for US! right?

so we have to go back, rethink it all, and see what is important. and to hell with the others for the moment. stop. see what tracy needs. explain to others im sorry, but right now i just have no resources to listen. lets try it another day. if they dont respect that,,then screw em. your present issues, slow down. think. whatever works for you. and then begin again with who needs something most...you, your kids, your dog, then others can be added when you are up to it.

some will just "need" so bad,,,so much, they drain ya. (i have been that way and needed good boundaries from others) we have to learn to not allow it. when to say whoa, so to speak. it feels nice to be needed, doesnt it? feels good...someone thinks you have the answers and NEEDS YOU. but...at what cost?

BG!!! cool beans!! you got it!!! that is not feeling or owning his stuff!!!

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 7:07 pm 
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I'm a lot like BG, I feel guilty when i feel like I need to take care of myself. I hate asking anyone to watch my 2 yr old, i am afraid that i will be considered a bad mom and that if i can't take care of him i shouldn't have had him. I have been so overwhelmed lately and am not really sure how to stick with any type of bounderies, it's like i can't ask for help with my son, but i can say yes to people when they need help even when i know i'm not up to it. I know where the fear od being considered being a bad mom comes from but i don't know how to even begin to fix it, it is soo deep inside that no matter what anyone says wether i believe them or not in the end thats how i feel deep down.



I so hope i didn't hyjack the thread..to be honest i don't know if discussing me in anothers thread is bad or not if it is i am sorry :sadshake


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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 7:19 pm 
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I dont' think you're hijacking the thread Rainbow. You have legitimate concerns, ones that I think a lot of new mothers have. But you know, sometimes we need to know when to ask for help. Are you doing your child any good if you're overwhelmed and exhausted? Isn't it in both of your best interests to take an hour or two away, and leave him with a trusted friend or family member? Leaving your child with someone to take a break is not like you're abandoning him. Who would fault you for that? It seems to me (and I may be wrong) that you have set up arbitrary rules for how things "should" be done. "Good mothers never leave their children with anyone." That's not true. It's good for you both to get a break now and again.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 8:10 pm 
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no worries, rainbow. i love to see where my threads go and who can relate or share or learn something --besides me!

my youngest grand is now 2. wow, can she use up my energy! and talking, altho half the time only she knows what she is saying.

you wanna know the secret of good parenting? love, and humor. feed em, bathe em, get em to sleep, make sure they dont swallow something...consistency in saying no, letting them have a tantrum. pick the power struggles and only go for the most important. mainly its love and humor.

i was always told i was a bad mother when i had my kids. esp my son. i used to believe it. then i decided, how would they know? screw that!

i also suggest parenting classes, they are free here at the family services and i learned a TON from them. and jo frosts book, nanny 911.

no one can handle a 2 yr old all the time by themselves. oh hell no. bring yours over and my granddaughter and yours can play and tear up the house! we are into potty training now, so sometimes she has no pull ups on..lol...and yes, she still eats sand....and dirt...and ants....

your right, its how YOU feel inside. when you like yourself, and allow yourself some slack , you will begin to like you. it really takes daily talking to yourself to learn, "i am lovable. i am worth something, i am a good mom". i mean do this! at first it feels weird, but soon enough it will come easier and easier. and one day, you begin to believe it and feel its true.

what is a good mom? someone who has a safe, healthy, well fed kid who is happy most of the time and knows they are loved. that is a good mom.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:15 pm 
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Thanks BG and jody....I suck at asking for help...somewhere in my life i guess i learned that asking for help or talking about things that are bothering me is looking for attention..i know that is twisted thinking, but to me it is bad, but when i do keep things to myself and avoid people i think they believe i'm seeking attention so it is a no win situation. When my daughter was 2 she was removed from my care because i was unable to care for her to mental illness, so now if i'm afraid that if people think i'm overwhelmed same thing will happen even though i'm not the same person i was back then. I am doing the best i can, i show him all my love, i keep him safe, feed him, bathe him, entertain him, but when i can't even pee in private it gets overwhelming. I wish i could ask for help as easy as i can help someone else. I'm at the point of just not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to talk to anyone, I have been avoiding my T, my pdoc and anyone else who "claims" to care because ya know what in the long run they really don't care and i'll be alone with my problems anyway...i guess you can say i'm at the why bother doing much of anything i'm just gonna die anyway and leave people i love. I will never get over losing my parents, especially my mom. Ok i better stop cause i am way off topic and even though i know i should just delete this i will post it cause maybe..just maybe getting it off my chest will help me sleep even for a little while.


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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:36 pm 
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hey if it helps, post it.

i think a lot of your feeling is quite normal. at this age, you wont pee alone, poop alone or do much of anything alone. :) my daughter says the same thing. i can tell you this will pass, and kids do grow up very fast. it isnt forever. maybe that helps?

you will clean up endless spills or pour it out in the floor stuff. you will hear screaming when the word no is said out loud. yep, thats a 2 yr olds job. the other day my daughter fixed the little ones lunch, and the baby promptly dumped it in the floor and pooped in the plate. lmao...ok my daughter didnt see the humor..that is why i say humor, above all else.

can you maybe find some mom day out things? or play groups? our family services has those also. all free. every little bit helps...

i hope you feel a bit better now....((rainbow))

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 12:26 am 
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I agree with Jody. And also, asking someone to watch your son for an hour or two is not the same as being unable to care for him due to mental illness. And you know what? You can look at it like asking for some help is to help keep your sanity! No one lives in a vacuum. We all need support along the way. Sure, we all lose people. I lost my mother 2 years ago - I'm still not over it. But you are here and you have a child who you take care of. You want to do the best you can for him. Part of doing the best for him is taking care of yourself. What you are doing seems like black-and-white thinking. "Either I do it all or they'll take him away from me." Not so. Try using the Tools on the left to work this out. Put it down on a piece of paper so you can see it.

You sound like an excellent mother! Don't let twisted thinking get in the way.

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 Post subject: Re: real acceptance/cont. minx words
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:50 am 
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I thought I would add I see definate positives to leaving your son with some one else and getting you a break at the same time. It teaches kids that when you leave you will return. Helps them combat this fear. The more you can do this when they are younger the easier they find it when it comes to school etc.

I used to leave mine in a creche a couple of times a week at 2. 2 year olds are hard work, parenting is hard work. I used to take that time and put my feet up with a cup of coffee, whilst my two year old worked on her social skills with the other kids.

I like Jody's suggestions about joining a group where there are other mums. That way you will probably find you arent so alone in your two year old stresses.

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