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 Post subject: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:28 pm 
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Hi,

Since i had this breakthru of the fact that everything i have presented to the people around me my whole life is false ive been struggling.

ive pinpointed the coping process that i use when I am overstressed and cant fall asleep- i crawl into my head into this personality that I have created and I brood.

Now that ive shattered much of this perception im having trouble relaxing because i dont want to go back into that neg thought pattern.

what should i replace this with? i cant hide in myself if i dont know myself.

arg!


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:47 am 
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Congratulations on your Breakthrough!!

I'm not sure I know exactly what you are looking for, so I may be off base here:
Quote:
what should i replace this with? i cant hide in myself if i dont know myself.
And I not sure there are any "shoulds" that are very helpful in recovery, for me personally.

The advice I can offer....

When I was left without my negative coping mechanisms, I had to devolop positive ones. Part of this was learning to identify my twisted thinking and figuring out ways to untwist those thoughts. Those links can be found in the upper left of your screen if you have not already located them, along with other very useful tools.

A big step for me is learning what I do and do not consider 'okay' behaviour for me. That is not something any of us can tell you for you, IMO-- you have to figure it out. Sitting with your feelings, not judging them, can help you find out how you really feel about something. This tool is very helpful in sussing out what is what in feelings and moods, for me at least.

I hope that helps! I know this stage can be a bit intimidating, but perseverance is key. For me, in order to not fall back into that old pattern, I have to just keep trying new stuff over and over until I find what works and that new thing 'sticks'.

Good luck and best wishes to you!!!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 6:01 am 
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Thanks so much :)

I`ve working them- they are supposed to work and fix me (i feel) but my feelings/thoughts have been wrong for so long I`ll trust your advice.

Yesterday was a homecoming for me, my dad, where all this begins in my head for me, came over outta the blue and i let it out and told him how i feel and that i felt I needed his permission to be sick and he said I'm not perfect and that he does love me for who I am, admits his own demons..then my sis stopped over and I had been very hard and rigid in my thoughts/dealings with her which has caused trouble and I find that she struggles too and she needs acceptance from me all this time.

So its been nuts. Not a 'come to Jesus' but the start of something.

I did find my own voice, i just slowed down and looked. I was having trouble relating because of the teeth being pulled for a myriad of reasons. I found that my 'self talk' tone changed and then felt pretty strange. i can hear my old voice when I talk to myself now! And irregardless of the trouble i feel i`m having talking- it appears that its ok to others ears! Ha, need to radically accept that :)

Now I'm struggling still- i find myself analyzing everything i do and every thought process is under microscope in my head- slept very little again but I have the hope that today will be better!

thanks!
dd


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:21 am 
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Working all this out IS tough. I understand what you mean about not trusting your thoughts (every thought process under a microscope in your head). What I find is that with much time and practice (and mistakes!!) I am slowly learning to trust my head again.

However, that process, for me at least, is very slow. I did not get to this point (my BPD) overnight--it took years to twist up this way. It's only natural that the untwisting would take some time too. I can't expect myself to 'get better' overnight or right away.

Yea!, yea!, yea! about you and your Dad having such a good heart to heart. It does sound like that was 'nuts' for you, difficult-emotional, but you did it!! Sometimes the hard parts are where we learn the most, IMO.

The four agreements encourages impeccability with one's word, so telling him how you really feel I think is great. Also, I am so pleased that you are finding your own voice, changing your self-talk tone!!!! That is HUGE!! and you might just take a moment to celebrate that victory.

The small moments of positive along this journey are REALLY important to me. I have to focus on the positive because there are inevitably negative times too. By celebrating the positive, I have something to counter the negative in my own mind when things go awry. I can say 'yes, it's bad now, but look I did x and y well just last Thursday' or whatever. It helps, to me at least.

The positive is what sticks in my mind more now. The negative is what I try to change, but the positive is what I decide to hold onto. It makes me happier and healthier overall; the goal.

Good luck, what great progress you're making so far!! Keep up the fabulous work, I know it's hard, but you can do it!!! :D

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:50 am 
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Thanks so much! I`m working these- the best phrase I saw today for 'me' in these pages was "always do your best- your level of 'best' will change from moment to moment".

Thanks for your own insight on your self talk and how you deal with it and that your learning to trust your voice. I gather you have had trouble with your own 'tone' of your self talk in your head? Recommended information on the net I can read?

Focusing on the good things this has brought about and some moments that I was mindful and at ease the other day- savoring the feeling to replace the neg one.

I bet I have had a nervous breakdown. I`ve been back on my lithium and abilify for a couple days now- voluntary! Couldn't get the klonopin..did get miffed for a hot min that they never called me back from the docs office. But its OK because it was a Friday and I don't 'know' the circumstance.

thanks,
dd


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:22 am 
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Quote:
"always do your best- your level of 'best' will change from moment to moment

Soooooo true!!! Great quote, great motto, IMO.

Quote:
I gather you have had trouble with your own 'tone' of your self talk in your head? Recommended information on the net I can read?

Yes, very much so. I had my own kind of nervous breakdown that included a near-death (actually, I did die for 4 min, lol) suicide attempt in August 2007. Because my self-talk until that point told me that I was so awful that I needed to remove myself from the world, I no longer trusted any of my own decisions at all, for a long time. I questioned all of my thoughts because of this and other twisted thinking. It's still hard. I've had a recent break-through on the self-esteem front, helping me to see my own worth and not live in the past view of my own idea of who I am but in the present of who I am today. It's big for me, it changes everything. For me, a lot of the self-talk revolved around a negative self-image that may or may not have been founded in reality. As I am growing in my recovery, I am learning to deal in the reality of the NOW and not judge myself so harshly for the past. All I can do is my best, and that changes with me--like you say.

As for help on the web, it varies for me. Some I trust some I take just in bits and pieces. I like Wikipedia.org for general info, and I can use it to spawn further research on a topic. My favorite self-help website is this one. However, it lists many 'lists' of things to do or 'get' out of life and I believe some of that is vitally important not to get from anyone else, but to figure out on one's own, even if the suggestions help to formulate that opinion. On that website, there are many links to other websites that I have found useful as well. There is a current thread on the board here about 'living out of one's imagination not one's history' that has been very insightful for me in thinking, being mindful, about my future goals. There are also many web links on the forum page of the BPDR website. But in all of this---it's really important in my opinion for you and everyone else to figure out who you are for yourself. It's a big part of all of this. We can't tell you that, neither can the 'experts' or a website.

Great job realizing that about the doc's office. Again, another positive!! And voluntarily taking meds you believe you need, not just what they tell you, good stuff. You seem to be on a roll!!!! :woohoo

Stay Mindful, aware--that technique is central to my recovery. Best wishes!!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 7:03 pm 
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You have been so helpful to me in this time of my need- I thank you so much!
I feel very safe posting here, giving me a sense of security when things are so nutz.
Quote:
'As I am growing in my recovery, I am learning to deal in the reality of the NOW and not judge myself so harshly for the past. All I can do is my best, and that changes with me--like you say.'


Thats what Im trying to do. experience life now with compassion and an open mid and I`m watching myself before I speak because I`m seeing the patterns.

My inner voice is strong now and the self talk/constant over analyzing is subsiding- maybe the meds are finally kickin in, maybe when ya work on yourself positive you are actually building a new foundation to live on- go figure :)

Talked to my mom today about it all and spent the five hours i would have been alone shopping with them. I feel their house (the pain bubble i grew up in) is SAFE now. My home is safe now.

I cant believe i created an intervention for myself. This is been so rewarding for me.

bless ya, thanks again and Ill check in tomorrow..
Brian


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:47 am 
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I finally got some sleep and i do feel much better. The constant analyzing has subsided. I believe I`m going to try and go to church with my parents today since my wife is gone until 6pm at work.

Thanks!
brian


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 Post subject: Re: please point me in the right direction
PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:46 am 
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:hobbes

Great work Brian, keep it up--it's easy to fall back into that 'old' place. This new clarity is fantastic, but be sure to put things into place to keep it there so that you are not caught off guard when life hands you lemons. I know you can do it!!!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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