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 Post subject: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 11:44 am 
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I am at home today when I should be performing in this local theatre thing my boyfriend is a part of. He asked me to b a part of it, and because I failed miserably at dealing with my own feelings yesterday, he took back the offer. He didn't even sleep in the same bed with me last night he was so infuriated with me. I'm used to that now, I've accepted that. Well, no, wait, I haven't as much accepted it as hardened myself to it. i understand why he does it, but I don't beg him to come back to bed anymore because it's useless. I guess you could say it's a bit of both.

But when he left without speaking to me, or anything, I broke down into tears and called him blabbering about how he hates me and how embarrassing it is to have all your friends know your nuts, and that's why you didn't make it to the performance. He said that I created the mess I'm in. He said that my actions towards him did not allow for me to be a part of something I care about. and now I have to sit at home and think about it. It feels very strange to sit here and face my own self.

The other things is, ok, I've accepted my self and the predicament I'm in. How am I supposed to interact with him whenever he comes home? Do I act like nothing happened, do I steer clear, do I leave and not come back till i know he's gone a gain? How am I supposed to feel about myself, and treat myself? I know that none of you can really answer that question in particular, but I do know that I have a hard time dealing with the aftermath of my own outwardly inflicted turmoil.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:18 pm 
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OK I am a tad confused and I am not sure I appreciate the way your bf deals wth things.... but I can only base it on what you say here.

But I am not sure I get this bit at all?

Quote:
now I have to sit at home and think about it


I mean sure I might radically accept my situ ie... I don't get to take part in the performance.

But sitting and ruminating on how I messed up would probably take me into a self loathing self hating trap? There is only so much you can do after something has occured imo.

Such as try and suss what set me off, try and work out what I could do if I was faced with that sort of situation again, work out what I was responsible for. Take responsibility for it and well, pick myself up and carry on. What is done is done. I can only work on earnestly changing the future.

I don't think sitting worrying about how to treat your bf when he gets home helps. I would honestly and earnestly apologise for something I did to hurt another. After that I would have to for my own sanity, go and do something else, carry on about my day, get a shower, take a walk, listen to music etc....

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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 2:47 pm 
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I totally am grasping what you are saying. Getting up and working on myself is the hardest part. I took a two hour nap, and he came home, saying nothing. So, I took a shower and I'm here now, soon to go out of the house to further meditate on how I can not let the situation that led to this point happen less and less frequently. thank you so much.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2008 10:34 am 
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I ditto Tracy, especially the 6th paragraph (starting with "such as try..."). That's what's really helped me in similar situations: looking at all aspects, all sides, not blaming the other person totally but not taking all the fault. Accepting responsibility for my actions, without ascribing those actions to me as a person. Looking at our behavior and saying about it: "that wasn't the most productive way I could have handled that situation and I'd like to do something more healthy in future similar situations. I am not perfect and I don't have to be perfect to be loved, but I do want to treat others well", and then let it go and not dwell on how we think it means we're horrible people or whatever.

But yes, there is a point where too much thinking turns to rumination, as Tracy mentioned. There is a time when action is much better than just thinking. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you've told us. Communication is difficult for me sometimes, but I find that when I reach out to those who love me and make a great effort to be impeccable in my words and to also LISTEN truly to the other person, the difficulties get ironed out much sooner and don't build into dramas that spiral out of control. I imagine some sort of self-isolating behavior might not be productive right now? It's rather an ambiguous statement (we all try to guess what others are thinking by their actions and it might send a signal you're not intending to your bf), so what would happen if you tried clarifying what you're feeling, even tho it may be scary/hard?

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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:52 am 
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Hi Candice :-) I'm sorry your'e going through a tough time with your bf. I've had similar situations with mine and I totally have been down the same road.

I think I agree with Tracy and oceanheart too, on this. Sometimes when my bf and I have a disagreement..mostly because I feel controlled and then I snap and then he gives me the silent treatment and then I manipulate by begging for forgiveness or trying whatever I can do to get him to talk. And that's our cycle. I've found that things are better when I let him feel what he's going to feel and then talking about it when we are both calm. If he's going to act like a child, then I try not to get involved in his drama, which means turning off that part of me that wants to fix everything right away.

I'm a big fan of ruminating and I've found that it makes almost every situation worse. It's hard for me, too, when I've done something to upset someone or done something that doesn't meet my expectations for how I should act or feel or behave, it's hard for me to be nice to myself and let myself make mistakes. Like the others here said, I think you can only take what information you have and try to apply it to future situations in a way that doesn't damage your worth as a person. That's just my oppinion, though.

My thoughts are with you. You are not alone!


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:41 pm 
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I haven't been on here in a while, but I just wanted to say that I thank you for your input. I just experienced another episode. And I realized that the only way I feel like I can get better within my relationship is if he works with me. I know that I can work on trying to fix things right away, and I can work on my initial responses. I know that I should practice more on walking away and working with my new coping skills. However, I find it difficult when he responds the way that he does. We've tried trigger words and phrases, but sometimes they come too late for he or I. We are hopefully trying a new approach with the SET System. Have you heard of this? It's different than some of the other things I have read.

But, I think that radical acceptace is probably one of the things that seems to be the hardest for me. Much of the time, I am able to rethink my emotions, and re-direct my enery these days. But I still have that one moment of explosion. And then i'm right back to square one. And I have a hard time accepting my final mistake, especially when he doesn't accept the mistake. This new experience of trying to be be autonomous in a relationship is quite daunting at times. However, I know that autonomy is supposed to be positive. Why doesn't it feel that way?


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:59 pm 
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Quote:
However, I know that autonomy is supposed to be positive. Why doesn't it feel that way?

IMO? Because it is new to you, and it takes time to acclimate ourselves to new situations and ways of doing things. It will take time, but at some point if you continue to be autonomous in your relationship, that will feel positive to you--when you see the evidence that it works. Separation of stuff can be quite liberating....I no longer "have" to take on others emotional turmoil, unless I choose to do so. My choice nowadays, whereas before Everyone's trouble became my own.

Quote:
And I realized that the only way I feel like I can get better within my relationship is if he works with me. I know that I can work on trying to fix things right away, and I can work on my initial responses. I know that I should practice more on walking away and working with my new coping skills. However, I find it difficult when he responds the way that he does.

It can be a chicken and egg thing...you need him to do one thing, he needs you to do another. Who goes first? In my experience, I can achieve results with my H working with me only by having the 'higher ground' to stand on. When I am doing what I know to be best for both of us.....what excuse does he have not to do the same, assuming we are in this relationship together?

It takes two in relationships, but you only have control over yourself and your response to things. Do what you think is the best to do in all situations, no excuses, and see if that helps. I know it's difficult to respond in a healthy way to some of what others offer us, but there is where the recovery comes in. It's up to us to control our behaviour regardless of what other's do to incite drama or turmoil. It's up to you.

I don't know anything about the SET System. What is it and how does it work?

RA only happens when we accept something body, mind and soul, IMO. It sounds to me like you are doing the healthy things, but not really believing that it is the healthy way. How can you rectify these opposing views? If something isn't working for you in your life, it is my belief that it's best to look within for the solution, not to others to behave one way or another in order for you to do what's healthy for YOU. When that one moment of explosion comes....it's still up to you how you choose to act and react, after mistakes have been made. Where you go from there is what counts, IMO, not dwelling on the past or becoming a victim to your own emotions. If an explosion occurs....it's how you handle the aftermath that will count.

This stuff isn't easy!! No one can expect perfection....just do the best you can....and always strive to do better when you find yourself making the inevitable mistakes. Good luck, it sounds like you are on your way! :)

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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance is not fun or easy
PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:48 pm 
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I know you started this thread in "Totally Radical" but it's sounding as though you might benefit from The Five Steps right now. That moment of explosion has happened and you can't go back in time to undo it. What's done is done. But now that some time has passed and you've gained some perspective, I think this is a great time to do The Five Steps, in retrospect. It won't change anything that already happened but you'll essentially be training your brain to stop & think, explore your options, see things in different ways and practice the skill of separating black from white and finding the grey middle ground.

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