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 Post subject: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 5:31 pm 
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Basic Principles of Accepting Reality
Accepting reality does not mean you have to like the circumstances. Some tools to help you accept reality are breathing, half smile, awareness.
For Example: Radical Acceptance: I have suicidal thoughts all the time but it doesn't mean I like having them or will act on them.


I'm having thoughts about hurting myself right now but I'm not acting on them. I am doing the opposite action, getting it out and working through it. Breathing calms me down. I just need to breathe and be in the moment right now. I am at work. No one here wants to hurt me here. I am safe.

Quote:
WILLINGNESS
Cultivate a WILLING response to each situation
Willingness is doing just what is needed in each situation, in an unpretentious way. It is focusing on effectiveness.
Willingness is listening very carefully to your WISE MIND, acting from your inner self.
Willingness is becoming aware of your connection to the universe - to the earth, to the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to.
Ask yourself, in 5 years from now, will the situation that causes the distress matter?


I am accepting the situation for what it is. The way I can be most effective right now is to be accepting of my flaws and know that I am only human. My wise mind tells me that I am doing the best that I can. That I have done nothing wrong in some relationships that I am worrying about and that I am a good person despite my flaws. Right now I am sitting on my chair at work and breathing. I am okay. I am connected to the world. To my desk. To my work. I am not alone. In 5 years this situation will not feel as intense as it does now. I am really doing okay. I am aware that I am jumping to conclusions and catastrophizing. I am aware that my thoughts are not necessarily reflecting reality right now.

Quote:
WILLFULNESS
Willfulness is like sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make changes that are needed.
Willfulness causes you to fight any suggestions that will improve the distress and thus make it more tolerable.
Willfulness is giving up.
It is the opposite of doing what works, of being effective. Willfulness is trying to fix every situation or refusing to tolerate the distressful moment.


My upset right now is being triggered by need to fix and control. My upset is coming from me trying to hurt myself because I think that I should punish myself for not meeting my expectations. Hurting myself may make me feel better for a little while but in the long run all I will feel is shame. It will reinforce my negative oppinions of myself and will decrease my self esteem. In the past writing out my feelings and breathing has been tremendously helpful in calming me down. That is what I'm doing right now. I am being honest and not holding things in. I am tolerating these feelings and this moment. I know it will not last forever.

Quote:
TURNING THE MIND
Acceptance of reality requires an act of CHOICE. It is like coming to a fork in the road. You have to turn your mind towards the acceptance road and away form the rejecting reality road.
You have to make an inner COMMITMENT to accept. The commitment to accept does not itself equal acceptance. It just turns you toward the path. But it is the first step.
You have to turn your mind and commit to acceptance OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Sometimes, you have to make the commitment many times in the space of a few minutes.


Accepting reality, how this person is, is going to be easier then trying to live in fantasy land. I am thinking that worrying about it is going to make it better, but it only keeps me struggling. When I let go and accept reality for what it is, I don't have to hold on and be in misery. I am going to be okay. I am okay. I can accept this. I can accept reality. I can breathe and stay in the now. I cannot control people. I can control myself. I do not have to react. I can breathe and calm myself down. I am happier when I accept the situation for what it is.

Quote:
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE FROM DEEP WITHIN.
It is allowing yourself to go completely with whatever the situation is. Let go of fighting reality.
ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HELL WHICH MUST NOT BE INTERPRETED AS APPROVAL OF THE DISTRESSFUL SITUATION
Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE.
ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.
To accept something is not the same as judging it to be good.
By stopping your self from fighting, the rage or anger you feel will dissipate as long as you continue to accept your condition or your faulty perceptions to events or interpersonal communications difficulties. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you are able to accept.


I really like this. I am already calmer because I'm not fighting it. My pain is caused by me trying to control someone or something. I don't have to like what this person is doing. I don't have to like the situation, but I can be calm about it. When I accept how it is then I don't have to worry about controlling it. I don't have to put so much effort into it. I can relax and focus on myself and my own life. My past has proven that I often have faulty perceptions of things and interpersonal difficulties. Most of these difficulties come from me jumping to conclusions and catastrophizing. Also, from me being really harsh in my thinking about myself. I am aware of this. I am already feeling so much better because I do not have to get so worked up about this. It is okay. I am okay. Letting go feels really good. I am so much more peaceful when I let go.


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 5:52 pm 
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You did a great job!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 5:59 pm 
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Thanks, bordergirl! I'm already feeling a lot better. I was talking to a friend the other day about my self hatred and she said that me hurting myself is my way of trying to control something and thinking about radical acceptance is already calming me down considerably. Letting go is really cool. :-)

I appreciate your comment :-)


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:09 pm 
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I self-harm and I don't know how to stop. It's actually a self-soothing thing for me - it calms me down and makes me feel better. But my T said there is a lot of shame and hatred involved. I am embarrassed but I cover up the marks I make. I really enjoy doing it. I don't know how to stop.

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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:49 pm 
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I do, too. It calms me down. I think its a way of punishing myself for not meeting my expectations. I cover up the marks, too. Today I had such a strong urge but I guess I was just to a point where I was so worked up that I absolutely had to find something to calm myself down. I think, because I hold things in so much, that it helps tremendously to have this board and get it all out. Nobody except you guys on this board know that I self harm. It feels so good to let it out and to realize that it's my way of trying to control. That's why I like radical acceptance because it helps me let go and then I don't have to put so much effort into worrying.


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:53 pm 
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I don't think I do it to actually punish myself. Well, sometimes I do, but I think it's mostly to deal with my anxiety. It just soothes me so much! My H is very upset that I do it - I try to hide it from him. The bad thing is that I don't even think I want to stop! I know I should. I just don't know how! It does make me feel like a bad person. I've been doing it since I was 4 years old.

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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:26 am 
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I feel ya, there. It helps my anxiety, too. I've been trying to really apply this radical acceptance, because I think my major problem is my not being able to let go. I hide it from my fiance, too.

Hope everything's going good for ya this week so far!


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:52 am 
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I have to do this again because it's been one of those days, and I found that this helped me calm down immensely last time.

Quote:
Basic Principles of Accepting Reality
Accepting reality does not mean you have to like the circumstances. Some tools to help you accept reality are breathing, half smile, awareness.
For Example: Radical Acceptance: I have suicidal thoughts all the time but it doesn't mean I like having them or will act on them.


I do not like how I feel when I'm around this person, but I did try breathing and soothing myself when I felt my anxiety getting high. Even if it was not completely successful, at least I tried. I was anxious around this person tonight, but I'm not always that way. I was insecure but I did not act on it.

Quote:
WILLINGNESS
Cultivate a WILLING response to each situation
Willingness is doing just what is needed in each situation, in an unpretentious way. It is focusing on effectiveness.
Willingness is listening very carefully to your WISE MIND, acting from your inner self.
Willingness is becoming aware of your connection to the universe - to the earth, to the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to.
Ask yourself, in 5 years from now, will the situation that causes the distress matter?


I am proud of myself because I did what I needed to do. I was feeling anxious and a little overwhelmed and I left the situation. My wise mind tells me that I am going to be okay, that I did what I needed for myself and that I do not have to explain myself to anybody. I am aware that I am connected to all the people who were involved in the situation. That my leaving did not stop my relationship with them. I know that I am connected to my chair, to my keyboard, to my desk. I am connected to my coworkers, the the world. I am not separate. I am a part of.

Quote:
WILLFULNESS
Willfulness is like sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make changes that are needed.
Willfulness causes you to fight any suggestions that will improve the distress and thus make it more tolerable.
Willfulness is giving up.
It is the opposite of doing what works, of being effective. Willfulness is trying to fix every situation or refusing to tolerate the distressful moment.


I am letting go right now. What works is breathing and realizing that everything is going to be okay. I am tolerating the feelings right now. The fear is going through my body and going right out. It is coming in waves. The fear is not who I am. I can tolerate these feelings. They are not me, they are just feelings.

Quote:
TURNING THE MIND
Acceptance of reality requires an act of CHOICE. It is like coming to a fork in the road. You have to turn your mind towards the acceptance road and away form the rejecting reality road.
You have to make an inner COMMITMENT to accept. The commitment to accept does not itself equal acceptance. It just turns you toward the path. But it is the first step.
You have to turn your mind and commit to acceptance OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Sometimes, you have to make the commitment many times in the space of a few minutes.


I know that I catastrophize quite a bit. I also sometimes think in black or white and all or nothing categories. I assume that because someone doesn't react to me how I want them to, that they're mad. I assume that because I'm not the center of attention, that I've been excluded. Reality tells me that my friends have other obligations. Reality tells me that I am not the center of the universe. Reality tells me that just because someone doesn't give me the attention I want, that it doesn't mean that they are mad or upset with me. I cannot control another person. I do not have to work so hard when I understand this. When I let them be who they are, I can be me. I don't have to obsess about them talking to me. I don't have to give them all of my power. I let them be human beings and I let myself be a human being. I accept that this is how things are. It doesn't feel good but there is some peace knowing that I can let go of that need to get really worked up. I don't have to freak out. I don't have to live in so much fear. When I accept the situation and person from what they are, I can feel peace. I can choose to worry or I can choose to let go. Choosing to let go is already giving me some peace. It's a big load off of my shoulders not to be the one in charge controlling everything. It's a big load off my shoulders to not have to work so hard to get people's approval.

Quote:
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE FROM DEEP WITHIN.
It is allowing yourself to go completely with whatever the situation is. Let go of fighting reality.
ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HELL WHICH MUST NOT BE INTERPRETED AS APPROVAL OF THE DISTRESSFUL SITUATION
Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE.
ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.
To accept something is not the same as judging it to be good.
By stopping your self from fighting, the rage or anger you feel will dissipate as long as you continue to accept your condition or your faulty perceptions to events or interpersonal communications difficulties. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you are able to accept.


I accept this person and this situation for what it is. Deep within myself I know that I am going to be okay. That I am lovable and a good person. I love letting go because it takes away the worry. It takes away the illusion that my worrying and obsessing is going to change the situation. The huge weight is gone. I'm letting go of trying to control someone. I'm letting go of getting approval. I'm letting go of getting their attention. Yes, their reaction to me did hurt, but that was because I was putting my expectations on them. If I have no expectations of them, I will feel better. If I let go of the need to control them by trying to get their approval, I will feel better. I'm feeling the fear right now. I'm feeling the hurt. They are waves, they are not who I am. I can feel fear. It will not kill me. I accept that I often twist things. I accept that I think that I can read people's minds. My past have proved that most people whom I think are mad at me rarely are. My past has shown me that I worry needlessly. My past has shown me that I often make things a lot worse and more intense then they are. I accept that about myself. It is okay that I am human and need to work on my beliefs. I am doing the best I can right now. Instead of spending days being upset about this, I am typing it out on here and working through it. I am already feeling a lot more peace. It feels really really good to let go. It feels really good to understand my connection to the universe, to God and to my friends and acquaintances. It feels good to know today I can be peaceful. Today I can feel my feelings and let go.


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:37 am 
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Great work, Ibcgal!

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:20 pm 
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Thanks, Harmonium! I think I'm in love with Radical Acceptance. It has been such a great tool in helping me this week. Last Friday my head was spinning out of control and as soon as I wrote it all down I felt immense relief. :-) Hope you have a great day today! :-)


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 5:57 pm 
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Quote:
I think I'm in love with Radical Acceptance

Me too!! :D

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:33 am 
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Quote:
Basic Principles of Accepting Reality
Accepting reality does not mean you have to like the circumstances. Some tools to help you accept reality are breathing, half smile, awareness.
For Example: Radical Acceptance: I have suicidal thoughts all the time but it doesn't mean I like having them or will act on them.


I do not like that I asked for help last night. I felt like my texting my friend was attention seeking behavior. I don't like that I did it, but I didn't do anything drastic like calling her 10 times. Plus, I was having a hard time. It was New Years Eve and I wanted to drink. I called 3 other people besides her. She just happened to be the one I chose to text message.

Quote:
WILLINGNESS
Cultivate a WILLING response to each situation
Willingness is doing just what is needed in each situation, in an unpretentious way. It is focusing on effectiveness.
Willingness is listening very carefully to your WISE MIND, acting from your inner self.
Willingness is becoming aware of your connection to the universe - to the earth, to the floor you are standing on, to the chair you are sitting on, to the person you are talking to.
Ask yourself, in 5 years from now, will the situation that causes the distress matter?


Now that I think about it, asking for help is not bad. It's okay if you're having a bad night to call a friend in AA. They understand how holidays can be. That's what the phone lists are for. My Wise Mind tells me that I don't have to beat myself up today. I can be human. I can make mistakes and I can ask people for help. It's okay if they say no. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't have asked. I'm safe right now. I didn't ruin any friendships. My fiance didn't leave me. I didn't yell at anyone. I didn't self harm. In 5 years, this little night will not matter.

Quote:
WILLFULNESS
Willfulness is like sitting on your hands when action is needed, refusing to make changes that are needed.
Willfulness causes you to fight any suggestions that will improve the distress and thus make it more tolerable.
Willfulness is giving up.
It is the opposite of doing what works, of being effective. Willfulness is trying to fix every situation or refusing to tolerate the distressful moment.


I think I handled the situation effectively last nigt because I was feeling really uncomfortable at the party and so I left. Yes, I was upset when I got home, but I got through it. I can tolerate asking people for help and them accepting or not accepting to help me. Right now I am seeing myself as unworthy to receive help. I am also thinking that I am being overbearing on someone else when I'm not. My pattern is that I hold things in and lie so that I can get approval. This just makes me more needy and more manipulative. I can tolerate how uncomfortable I feel right now.

Quote:
TURNING THE MIND
Acceptance of reality requires an act of CHOICE. It is like coming to a fork in the road. You have to turn your mind towards the acceptance road and away form the rejecting reality road.
You have to make an inner COMMITMENT to accept. The commitment to accept does not itself equal acceptance. It just turns you toward the path. But it is the first step.
You have to turn your mind and commit to acceptance OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Sometimes, you have to make the commitment many times in the space of a few minutes.


I can accept that I had a bad time at the party last night. I can accept that I need to let go of certain people. I can accept that certain situations may not be in my best interest. Rejecting reality means that I continue to participate with these kinds of people and think that I won't be bothered. The reality is that I am bothered. The reality is that I have to detach. It feels like a lot to take on, but I'm an adult, and I can let go.

Quote:
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE FROM DEEP WITHIN.
It is allowing yourself to go completely with whatever the situation is. Let go of fighting reality.
ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HELL WHICH MUST NOT BE INTERPRETED AS APPROVAL OF THE DISTRESSFUL SITUATION
Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.
Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE.
ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.
To accept something is not the same as judging it to be good.
By stopping your self from fighting, the rage or anger you feel will dissipate as long as you continue to accept your condition or your faulty perceptions to events or interpersonal communications difficulties. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you are able to accept.


I definately struggle with interpersonal difficulties. I struggle with not reacting. I struggle with feeling inferior and very self aware. I don't know. I think I have to accept that this person is how they are and I am how I am. Certain events trigger me. Maybe I need to avoid those events. Even though it seems hard, they always upset me. My continuing to go to these events keeps getting me upset. Letting go is stopping myself from fighting it. Being okay with my imperfections is me stopping fighting it. The reality is that 1 + 1 = 2 and X and Y lead me to the results of X and Y. I'm not bad for having feelings. I'm still a good person. I can have weaknesses and still like myself. I can let go of this person. I can let go of this situation.

I feel a little better. I'm still having a hard time letting go of this, but at least I got it out of my head.


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 Post subject: Re: Working through accepting reality
PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 2:32 pm 
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Wow! Thank you. Your post really helped me see how one can use the tools. I am in awe of your ability to do this and can only hope to accomplish the same.

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