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 Post subject: radically accepting today
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 3:37 pm 
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Radical acceptance is an incredibly difficult concept for me and so here I am again, trying to radically accept.

I feel sad. I'n not really sure why. I accept that I feel sad and I accept that I don't have to like the fact I feel sad. There's been a lot going on in my life. Chris has been e-mailing me and texting me and IMing me again. I radically accept that when he does that I feel discombulated. I radically accept that Chris and I are not going to work out and I radically accept that I want us to work out so much it physically hurts. I accept that he is different than me. Although he admits he made a huge mistake cheating on me and breaking up with me, I also accept that he hasn't stepped up to the plate to resolve his underlying issue so we can be together. I accept that he is in perpetual victim mode and there is nothing I can do or say that is going to change that. I accept that I am so incredibly unhappy about that. I accept that my dream of us getting married and having a family is dead and I accept that I would give anything for that dream not to be over, but that it is.

I accept that once again I am alone, trying to forge towards the future and trying to make my life better. I accept that I am impatient about that, and that I am terrified. I accept that I am frustrated that I don't feel like I am where I should be in life and I accept that the words "should be in life" is probably a wacked perception.

With my friend Jeff - I accept the fact that he likes me and I unintentionally hurt him. I accept that there was some denial and selfishness on my part - wanting him to just be my friend but also kind of liking the snuggling even though I knew it was the act of snuggling and not the person that I liked.

I accept this moment, that I am eating lunch at my desk while I type this. I accept that I should actually be working in this moment.

I also accept that although my job pays my bills, which I am incredibly grateful for, it doesn't feed my soul. I accept that I don't want to stay here, in this town, or in this job forever.

I accept I scheduled the GRE, the extrance exam to grad school ,and I accept that I am terrified about that. I accept it is a step forward and I accept that means I have to let go of the past, even though I really don't want to.

I radically accept that I feel awful in this moment and I accept and know that feelings are temporary and this will pass.

Today, I accept, not because I want to, but because I understand that acceptance is the only way out of hell.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: radically accepting today
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:28 pm 
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Hiya Pip!!! Good to "see" you again!
Wow, geez... you have a lot going on right now, huh?
I think it is great that you are able to sit back and try to radically accept all these difficult emotions and situations in your life. Can I also suggest that you read Trinity's sticky at the top of this forum called "The Radical Acceptance of Everything" and some of the links there - such as this one from DBT Self Help: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/part_14.html
Radical acceptance is hard, and I think a lot of the time we feel we have accepted something because we convince ourselves that we are okay with whatever is causing us stress, but to radically accept it goes beyond just feeling at ease with something - it means not trying to change it at all and letting go of any hope that the situation can or will change. Kind of scary stuff if you ask me! ;)
A few things from your post:

BPDpip5 wrote:
Radical acceptance is an incredibly difficult concept for me and so here I am again, trying to radically accept.

I feel sad. I'n not really sure why. I accept that I feel sad and I accept that I don't have to like the fact I feel sad. There's been a lot going on in my life. Chris has been e-mailing me and texting me and IMing me again. I radically accept that when he does that I feel discombulated. I radically accept that Chris and I are not going to work out and I radically accept that I want us to work out so much it physically hurts. I accept that he is different than me. Although he admits he made a huge mistake cheating on me and breaking up with me, I also accept that he hasn't stepped up to the plate to resolve his underlying issue so we can be together. I accept that he is in perpetual victim mode and there is nothing I can do or say that is going to change that. I accept that I am so incredibly unhappy about that.


First of all, have you tried telling Chris not to contact you? If it makes you sad to hear from him and sets you back in your efforts to move on with your life, perhaps it is better to not have any contact with him at all. Right?

Quote:
I accept that my dream of us getting married and having a family is dead and I accept that I would give anything for that dream not to be over, but that it is.


If you would "give anything for that dream not to be over," you are not radically accepting that it is over :(

Quote:
I accept that once again I am alone, trying to forge towards the future and trying to make my life better. I accept that I am impatient about that, and that I am terrified. I accept that I am frustrated that I don't feel like I am where I should be in life and I accept that the words "should be in life" is probably a wacked perception.

Good realizations! So what can you do to make yourself feel better about being alone? Can you accept that you are exactly where you should be right now and that as long as you keep working toward a goal, your life will become whatever you want it to be?

Quote:
With my friend Jeff - I accept the fact that he likes me and I unintentionally hurt him. I accept that there was some denial and selfishness on my part - wanting him to just be my friend but also kind of liking the snuggling even though I knew it was the act of snuggling and not the person that I liked.

Wow another great realization! That it was more the snuggling that you liked and not so much the person. You need to be honest with him. Are you planning on telling him your real feelings? Are you prepared to lose the snuggling partner for the sake of not hurting his feelings anymore?

Quote:
I radically accept that I feel awful in this moment and I accept and know that feelings are temporary and this will pass.

That is great - you don't always have to act on your emotions or judge them. Just observe them.

Good luck, Pip. I think it is great that you are trying out the tools!
-NAM

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"If you can forgive the person you were, Accept the person you are, and Believe in the person you will become, You are headed for joy."


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 Post subject: Re: radically accepting today
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:17 pm 
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Hey NaM, good to see you! Thanks for the reply. I have told Chris not to contact me, and I've broken the rule myself by e-mailing him. The no contact thing was working for the most part except that 2 weeks ago he IMs me and tells me he loves me and that a big part of him wants me back but at the same time, he doesn't think we should be together because he is depressed and he feels he would be bringing too much bs to the table. Typical Chris. So, he loves me, a big part of him wants me back BUT he wants to just be friends. At this point I have realized there is a very minimal chance we will ever work out. I intellectually and even emotionally am starting to accept that. Of course, there is that small part of me (now 10 % instead of 90%) which hopes he will get his act together so we can be together. So for me, the 10% hope as opposed to 90% is progress.

I thought radical acceptance was accepting everything, not only the reality of the moment but also how you feel about the moment, without judging those emotions or condemning myself for having them. So, I accept the feeling that I don't want that dream of getting married and starting a family to be over but I also do accept it pretty much is. Does that make sense? Maybe I should say I'm accepting that I'm having a hard time accepting letting go?

As for Jeff, I have told him and told him and told him what page I was on from day one. I already told him that the snuggling was comforting but that neither one of us are in a place where a relationship would work. He also recently broke up with someone. Ive also told him that we are WAY too different for anything to ever work between us. He is incredibly clingy and codependent. He needs someone who is at the same level of wanting to hang out all the time, every day, and that is definitely not me. He knows, he is just choosing to not HEAR me. So although I feel bad he likes me, I'm also angry he couldn't handle the boundaries set, or at least should have communicated that he needed no snuggling because it was blurring the boundaries for him.

Well that was long-winded of me. lol. Thanks for listening.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: radically accepting today
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:48 pm 
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I think it's good to *see* you too, Pip! :biggrin

Quote:
I thought radical acceptance was accepting everything, not only the reality of the moment but also how you feel about the moment, without judging those emotions or condemning myself for having them. So, I accept the feeling that I don't want that dream of getting married and starting a family to be over but I also do accept it pretty much is. Does that make sense? Maybe I should say I'm accepting that I'm having a hard time accepting letting go?

Yes, that RA is accepting everything, not only the reality of the moment but also how you feel about it, without judging those emotions or condemming yourself for having them. But.....it's the 'feel' part of this I think is not truly hitting home for you right now. It does mean feel in the sense of what are your emotions surrounding this issue and accepting that........but also and maybe even more so (for me at least) it's how these issues lend you to feel on a physical level. As in-- when you think about letting the relationship go, does it hurt in your stomach? Maybe your breathing becomes more shallow? Etc, etc. Figure out your physical sensations and you will be closer to RA, I think.

Also, you state that you have accepted the feeling that "I don't want the dream of getting married and starting a family to be over but I also do accept it pretty much is.". Right? But.....it might (probably is) over for you and C, but what about all those other fish in the sea? Is there not a way you could re-frame this in your mind to something more like: "I accept that the dream I once had of having a family and getting married is over for me and C. I accept that I am even having a hard time accepting that because I really thought it would happen/I wanted it. I further accept there is a possibility out there that I will one day wed and begin a family with someone who is more kind to me and does not treat me poorly. I accept that the future is unpredictable; that anything could happen. I accept that I would still like to have a family and be married....even if it's not with C. " Something like that maybe? Can you see how that changes things? Can you physically feel how that changes things?

Quote:
He is incredibly clingy and codependent. He needs someone who is at the same level of wanting to hang out all the time, every day, and that is definitely not me. He knows, he is just choosing to not HEAR me. So although I feel bad he likes me, I'm also angry he couldn't handle the boundaries set, or at least should have communicated that he needed no snuggling because it was blurring the boundaries for him.

From the sounds of it, the boundaries you have communicated aren't really boundaries. They involve HIM doing or not doing something for your (and his) emotional protection. But...boundaries are more for just your benefit. Why not set a boundary that you will refuse to cuddle with him because you know it will lead to him falling for you and you don't want to lead him on? If______, then________ is the way it goes. "If I cuddle with J, then he falls for me. I don't want that, it makes me feel bad and angry. So I'm going to stop doing anything that leads him on in any way. I need to be clear with not only my words, but my actions too. " You will have to find another way to meet that need, however, and I recommend you have some idea in place before you take away the security of a real body next to your. I recognize how hard this one is (been there myself, actually), but it is you, not him, that needs to set proper boundaries. You are not responsible for his feelings.....but....you are responsible for your own actions. And round and round we go--wheee!! :bored :omg :hitfan

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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