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 Post subject: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 1:00 am 
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I am having issues with assumptions and obsessive thoughts. This is about a resent breakup. I don’t seem to be able to stop thinking about why it ended and where she is. This or that, this or that; I just keep flopping. When she said she wanted it to end, I just said “OK” and walked away. I was going to lose it. I was too emotional to stay and find out what was going on. She was on a mission to end things. I seemed to have worked though a lot of my issues with this. Then I start it again. This looping is driving me nuts – I know I’ll be ok. I know that it really will be ok.
Then I get myself settled for a while and my mind starts shifting back “like I know I can handle this”, then whack I am putting myself back in the loop. “I wander if she’s ok”, “maybe she just needed some space”,” maybe I need to find out why it ended”, “wow I would be so much better next time”, “gee she doesn’t know how much I’ve learned I’d like to let her know”. Then I justify these thoughts by telling myself, that I would like to learn how to handle this and whack lets jump back in and find out what happened and where she is.
Please don’t laugh as much as I am. But come on. This is just self imposed torture.
She was the one who ended it, I thought I should just walk away and if she wanted anything to do with me she would let me know.
I send her a text on Saturday asking to speak to her, she responded maybe Sunday. Sunday morning I called saying I had a busy day and maybe we could do this some other time, she said ok. I thought screw this I don’t want to have her tell me she left me for someone else (this is just my well thought-out assumption). So I mailed her a letter on Monday, (see my letter post), then I wondered if it was a mistake. Then I sent her an e-mail today that said “I meant everything I wrote in the letter except that I would like to talk with you. But I’m not ready, I still have a few things I’m working on, so I’ll let you know and if you would like to speak with me we’ll talk. If not, that ok, I’ll just drop it”.
Can you say nut job! LOL – come on. The funny thing is I am laughing while I’m writing this. I know it’s not in my best interest, I know I’ll be ok without her. (I’m learned to be my own best friends so I’m not getting mad it myself), but come on – even nut jobs need to learn to stick with something.
I’ve used the five steps, but each time I’m in a different emotional state and come up with different answer.
1) Do I just tell myself it over and try to get on with my life?
2) Do I suck it up and talk with her and just find out what the deal is?
3) Or do I just keep looping and driving myself nuts?
The obvious choice is 3, it’s the one I’ve been working on for the last month.


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 Post subject: Re: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:43 am 
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Anchorage Bro,

FWIW, your response to your break-up seems pretty normal to me - particularly where you were not the one to end it. I speak as a non-BDP (or at least not that I know of :) ). It's early days and breaking up is harsh - especially as, from what I can see, you have not had 'the conversation' - you know, the one where you are completely convinced that it's over. Unfortunately, such a conversation rarely exists when we are in denial, as we will always seek to justify and excuse anothers behaviour.

I hear you say there are good days and bad - good moments and bad, that is the grieving process and you've just got to tough it out with as much integrity as you can muster. We cannot control other people, but during a break up there is a tremendous temptation to try to do just that - thoughts many of us have had like 'maybe she just needed space' (the implicit argument being that if I had done x then y would not have happened) are attempts to take responsibility for her behaviour. If that's what she wanted then, as a mature grown up (I'm assuming that last bit) she had every right to ask for it.

The best advice that I ever had, and the toughest to follow through, was to break contact entirely, give myself permission to grieve, but to start living a single life as quickly as possible. If the party that broke up with you wants to get in touch, if they have doubts about their decision, they WILL contact you. If you start chasing, which I sense you might do, you disrespect their decision and risk driving a wedge further between you - making even being friends later on less likely.

Oh and of the 5 steps solutions that you describe 1 or 2 would be pretty good options. 3 is a rocky road to torture and suffering I'm afraid.

I feel your pain and confusion however 'that too will pass'.

Good luck

P.


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 Post subject: Re: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 6:44 pm 
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Thanks for your input and you are right. I did send her an e-mail just asking for someone to drop off my personal items and said maybe we can be friends someday, but not today. She requested last week that she wanted to be friends. nope - I'm done for know.


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 Post subject: Re: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:04 pm 
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Hi Anchorage,

Well, there is an unfortunate thing to deal with, the "maybes", the maybes that try and keep the connection alive. I sort of developed a complex after someone once told me that I wasn't supposed to leave them when they asked me to. Well hell, how did I know? I'm not a mind reader. So I became obsessed with looking for the underlying. Reasoning with myself that maybe they just needed time, they were angry, blowing off steam, etc. That is one seriously dangerous assumption to make - Talk about feeling abandoned when someone actually MEANS that, and your attempts are completely fruitless.

That's why being impeccable with your word is so important. I know myself - I was very prone to what I like to call temper tantrums, and I would say a LOT of shit I didn't mean. So I took that one little experience with someone else, coupled it with the fact that I said stuff I didn't mean, and assumed everyone else did the same. After knocking into the same wall over and over, I got tired of feeling so rejected and abandoned, and realized I was actually doing it to myself. I was putting myself in the line of fire over and over to save the connection and spare myself the abandonment and I was feeling it anyway, far worse than I would have if I just left well enough alone.

So I learned...Just because one person says it, doesn't make it the rule. And even if I am impeccable with my word, other people still may not be. They might have not meant what they said - But it isn't my job to know that or assume that. I simply need to take them at face value, because that is what I want - I want to be taken for my word. And I stay away from messy situations where the lines are always blurred and too many things are said in regret, too often. It really relieves a big stress - To take the time before you speak, and to trust in your word and know you speak with what you really feel, not from any old stuff.

What is it you want to know from her? Do you want to know why it went wrong, if she's with someone else? Do you think the answers to these questions will really aid you in any way? You sound like you are doing a GOOD job of realizing your mistakes, and also coming to an understanding that sometimes, it 'just is', and understanding that beating yourself up will do nothing to further you along. Trust yourself. Trust that you are doing right by you. Stay on that path of learning about yourself and being your own best friend.

_________________
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.


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 Post subject: Re: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:36 am 
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Thanks Miyasa,

It’s all good from this side. I put a stop to all contact; this is my time for me. I really don’t want to be friends. In fact I called a mutual friend to pick up my stuff. Screw it; this is my time to work on my future. No one was right, no one was wrong it just didn’t work.


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 Post subject: Re: Assumptions and obsession
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:58 am 
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Quote:
No one was right, no one was wrong it just didn’t work


Amen to that!

:D

P.


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