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 Post subject: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:29 pm 
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I’ve read a little about the grief process but I guess I’m unclear about a few things. First, this process must not be the same experience to each of us. I look at the different stages and it’s seems to me I’ve worked through them (just thinking back) in different order and jumping back a forth between them. Now there are still little bits of each stage that wants to run back through my mind.
1) I know it’s over, but I would still like to negotiate and fix things.
2) I’m still a little mad about it. (at me and her).
3) I never got the why – but I understand that is not mine to give, I don’t like it, I just understand that it’s not under my control. (although I did asked for the why – that was hard for me to do but I think it was important for me to learn to mover past making assumptions, and just ask for the truth)
4) I’m still a little depressed that it’s over but I know I will find someone else.
5) I accept that it’s over, (I think) but I just don’t like that it’s over.

It’s a little strange because I know all this stuff at the same time and none of them are as extreme as they use to be. I don’t like where I’m at right now but I am accepting it and I know it will pass and I hope I have learned good long term lessons that will help me move on to a better life.

My mind I just coming back from a few bad days, I crossing meds that made my mind go off kilter and my emotions spike at the smallest of events or memories. It’s been a hard few days but I’m getting back on track and the extreme emotions I’ve felt over this time have allowed me to see just how volatile I’ve been and although emotions can be powerful , they can’t hurt us, but our reactions to our feelings can be destructive if we respond in a negative manner. Maybe I needed these hard days to teach me to see clearly that it’s not what we feel but how we handle those feelings that makes the difference in our journey. I know I’ve been told this several times at this site. Maybe I just needed to really feel it to make me understand it.

“Nothing just happens – it’s all there for a reason” (this one is hard one to accept – or maybe better put I just don’t like it).


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 Post subject: Re: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 5:45 pm 
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I read somewhere that those stages of grief, that we don't actually all go through them nicely and order. That, just as you are finding, we jump around. So I'm thinking you're pretty normal in that.

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 Post subject: Re: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:26 am 
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I agree that while we all probably hit all of the stages, I don't think we all go through them in the same order. I also think that some of the stages are easier or harder, depending on the individual and the circumstances that cause the grieving in the first place. I'm trying to say that I believe these stages are good guidelines, but we are all unique (especially in our processing styles!).
Quote:
Maybe I needed these hard days to teach me to see clearly that it’s not what we feel but how we handle those feelings that makes the difference in our journey.

I LOVE this statement. So true....at least for me. One of my favorite saying is:
It's not what happens to us, it's what we continue to tell ourselves about the event that makes the difference. (or something like that!-- and I forgot who said it)

This part is concerning to me:
Quote:
I know it’s over, but I would still like to negotiate and fix things.

Isn't that just setting yourself up for more heart-ache? You state you 'know' it's over.......but if your still trying or wanting to 'negotiate and fix things'.......well, then your actions are not showing that you 'know' it's over. Just seems like a self-defeating way to look at it. Like setting yourself up to a goal that is totally unachievable, ya know?

Remember, you do not have to like what happened, how it happened, how you or the other party reacted, etc........but for me, in order to really Accept something, I do have to acknowledged to myself that it DID happen and there is nothing I can do about it now except learn from it. Learning from it and learning how to handle a similar situation differently in the future is how I "fix" a past situation!

You really are doing great with all of this, Anchorage. This stuff is really tough to get through-- especially if we have lingering feelings of what we would have liked to have done. Some people say time heals all wounds......I think there is some truth to that.

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"Pain is resistance to change."
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BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:31 pm 
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Harmonium wrote:
This part is concerning to me:
Quote:
I know it’s over, but I would still like to negotiate and fix things.

Isn't that just setting yourself up for more heart-ache? You state you 'know' it's over.......but if your still trying or wanting to 'negotiate and fix things'.......well, then your actions are not showing that you 'know' it's over. Just seems like a self-defeating way to look at it. Like setting yourself up to a goal that is totally unachievable, ya know?


I agree with you, it's concerns me too. This why I've written this post. I know it's over, but my mind just doesn't like that fact and it's keep fighting to keep it alive. I've learned so much over the last few months and I know I'll be better off because of this experience but it's like I can't let the final part go. I feel like I am so close to being done with this, so close to letting it go. Last week I sent her an e-mail asking for the why, (no response) I thought it might help with closure. I've asked a mutual friend, (he is a newbie shrink) to tell me what I need to know to get over this, he said he will remain neutral. I'm not sure what to do next. But this is my plan – cut off all contact even with mutual friends (unless it’s business related) and just accept that it will take what it will take. I’m considering selling my house and renting down town for awhile. There are a lot of things I don’t like about my place and I would like a view. I just want some good fun changes in my life.

As I'm writing this I can see other thing I have not done. I tell myself that I can have an improved life. I can have healthy relationships. But I'm haven't really done it. I have just started to step up the work effort. I've just started to step up the relationship effort. Maybe in time as I start putting good things in my life it will be easier to let go of the past. I tell myself I can have a better life, yet nothing in my past has validated these thoughts. I’ve had very limited successes in my life. So maybe it’s just time to start living and allow new successes to give me the faith to get go of the past.

Thanks again for your support 


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 Post subject: Re: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:27 pm 
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I think this is a better explanation and question as to my current state of mind. The issues as I see it, is that I’m fluctuating (my prospective changes) with my acceptance that it’s over and my feeling towards everything. I think this is due to the amount of new skills I’m working at learning, the skills I need to improve me life: at times it’s hard to inject all this new understanding and acceptance into the process of living.

I must say it’s getting better. I do get confused at times as to why I’m thinking the way I am and finding the right tool or understanding I need to work towards my goal of becoming a better person. But the whole process seems to get a little less painful every few days.

Although this is hard, I think I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m not sure why I’m here, but I’m hopeful this is the right track for me.

Why am I stuck on this. I know I could never have worked with the way I was, (ok I accept that – although I don’t like it). But even with my limited learning I am no longer the same person (so I would have liked to try again). But I can see, at this moment, that I have tried, I have communicated were I was, what I’ve learning, and who I hope to become, yet she has chosen to go in her own direction. I guess I already had the answer I was looking for. Sometimes it takes me an enormous amount of work to get a clear understanding of one thing.

I don’t have to like this, but I think it’s time I just accept that it is over. This whole thing is hard for me, but I’ll get past it. I guess now I just need to stay away from judgments, making assumptions, and work towards being impeccable with my words, while accepting things just are what they are. In fact, I wonder if letting go of the past has less to do with the past and more to do with a working understanding and acceptance of the 4 agreements.

I just hope my prospective will stop fluctuating as much as I get a better working understanding of the tools I need.

Thanks for helping me see this.


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 Post subject: Re: Questions about the grief process.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 7:30 pm 
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OK – I’m ready to re-write this post.
Yes there are still bits of this past relationship running in my head that I’m not happy about, but it’s getting better and I’m getting over it.
I know that:
1) It’s over. I don’t have to like it all the time but I accept that it’s over.
2) I accept that I might be a little mad about this from time to time – but this shall pass and I’ll be a better person for having this experience.
3) The only why I need is to understand what it is I can improve upon to make myself a better person.
4) I accept that I might find myself sad about this from time to time but shall pass.


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