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It seems to me there is a difference between accepting what I’m feeling and untwisting my thinking. Example. If I’m mad at someone for their actions I have the right to feel what I’m feeling. But when I consider that I’m mad because I’m taking things personally then I question my validity of my feeling mad because this is a non-healthy way of looking at this situation.

Solution: accept that I’m mad because that is the way I feel. Yet work towards realizing I’m mad because I’m taking this personally and it’s really not my stuff it’s theirs.

I would think applying the same basic process to all of the Four Agreements would be the right path to work towards making good improvements in my life. I also need to accept that it will be challenging and I need to be supportive of myself because I will make lots of mistakes while I work this process and also that I will make the commitment to always do my best.

I agree!

I've had both DBT, which is geared towards getting you to accept and cope with your feelings, and CBT, which is all about challenging thoughts (or changing behaviours) to change the way you feel. It can seem like a bit of a paradox sometimes.

The approach I take is that feelings are never wrong. Whatever happens, I have the right to feel the way I feel and that's OK.

Thoughts, on the other hand, can be wrong (for example if I make an assumption that's not correct), they can be biased or just not a helpful way of looking at the situation. Untwisting my thoughts can help me feel better but that doesn't mean the feelings were wrong in the first place - they were entirely appropriate for what I was thinking. It's the thoughts that were the problem!

We can accept feelings or we can try to change them but for me, it works best if I start by accepting the way I feel, then take action to improve my mood if I want to. Otherwise, I end up feeling invalidated and ashamed.

Just my two pence!

Lirael

Thanks Lirael,

I like the way you’ve broken this down. Feeling are never wrong. Thoughts can be wrong and can be adjusted. I’m sure I’ve been told this before but I just hadn’t seen it this clear. I think I can use this as feeling are about acceptance of who I am and what I feel at any moment, and thoughts are the area I can work on to make positive improvement. Cool.

Thanks.

I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but it's definitely an approach that works for me.

I think you guys are amazing!