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 Post subject: My truth
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 7:18 pm 
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I read somewhere that everything is about perception and the truth is what you want it to be. So I’m writing this to clear the air about the end of this relationship and what I see, (in a calm state) as the truth.

The fact is I don’t know why she ended things other than what she told me (she did not miss me and this is not what she wanted). Yet at the time I could not respect her choice.
I made the assumptions that she left me for someone else give bits of information from mutual friends, and even if she did it was still her right to choose. I didn’t ask the questions when she offered to talk because I was too afraid I would fail apart. I was too lost in my own self pity.
I sent her e-mails trying to explain what I had learned about myself and made mean accusations about why she ended things. I was angry and didn’t yet understand that anger is just about placing blame.

I know at the time I was not able to have a healthy relationship, given that the last 7 or so have ended in the same way. Yet each time I would hear that both people had their faults in the way things ended I would find a way to blame her.

Each time I would work through another emotion (prior to the meds I’ve never been able to have healthy emotions) I would find new energy to go back and try to fix things again. That usually meant writing another e-mails to spew more poison. Then something new would come up that I needed to work through and back to trying again.

I know I’ve gained a lot from working through this and at least in part, I was not willing to let this go because there was still something unresolved. But what remained hidden was not really about the relationship, it was me fighting to understand what I needed to learn about myself in order to let things go in a healthy manner, it was what I needed to learn to become a healthier person. I needed to work through each of the emotions and gain a working understanding of them; I needed to be angry until I understood the reason for anger.

I’m not sure where I am with this thing today. That might sound silly after reading this, but I am just letting things settle and paying attention to my thoughts and negative tendencies towards others. I’m not going to apologize for the things I’ve done, as this was just where I was and what I needed to do to get me to where I am today. But I will work to learn from them and work towards being a better person.


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 Post subject: Re: My truth
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 8:58 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 10:37 am
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Location: BC, Canada
Anchorage,

I read this and it was like hearing myself. I'm in very nearly the same place as you, have done some of the same things lately, and am trying so hard to figure it all out.

Thank you for sharing your well-articulated truth. It has helped me see into my own in a new way.

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kTkabOOm


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 Post subject: Re: My truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 3:47 am 
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Quote:
I know I’ve gained a lot from working through this and at least in part, I was not willing to let this go because there was still something unresolved. But what remained hidden was not really about the relationship, it was me fighting to understand what I needed to learn about myself in order to let things go in a healthy manner, it was what I needed to learn to become a healthier person. I needed to work through each of the emotions and gain a working understanding of them; I needed to be angry until I understood the reason for anger.

So, how do you feel now, Anchorage? Do you feel more at ease? Are "things" more resolved for you now? I noticed that you are posting a lot in the Radical Acceptance forum... do you feel that you have radically accepted that the relationship has ended and that it is a truth you can live with and move on from?
I can relate to your situation. If you look at my old user name here, you will see that about 99% of my threads were about my now ex-boyfriend and my struggles with our relationship and the multiple break ups. So I know that it is difficult when things still seem unsettled or you still have those looming "whys" and "what ifs" but in the end, the only thing that really helped me was to just let it be. Accept that where I am in my life right now is exactly where I am meant to be. And where he is right now is exactly where he was meant to be. And we, as a couple, do not work. And that relationship was a big part of my life for a long time, but it was not everything in my life. There are so many other important things in my life for me to focus on. Someone who used to post here gave me some great advice but I could not see the importance at the time (I do now). She said:
Quote:
relationships are gravy to life and to ourselves. they are not to raise us or parent us. they are not to work out our inner issues with another. each will have those issues. they are ours...each of us. not the others. they are not to complete us. "make" us happy. that is our work. they are the extra...the dessert to the main course of us in life.
if we can see it this way, a lot of burdens fall away. a lot of owning things not ours fall off. a lot of owning our own stuff happens. they are not there to stop us from being bored or unhappy. they are there as extra gifts in life.

I hope some of this helps you. I know that it is difficult to accept when you are still caught up in the whirlwind of emotions, but in time the emotions will settle and radical acceptance will follow. Good luck!
Chai


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 Post subject: Re: My truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 2:50 pm 
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Chai wrote:
So, how do you feel now, Anchorage? Do you feel more at ease? Are "things" more resolved for you now? I noticed that you are posting a lot in the Radical Acceptance forum... do you feel that you have radically accepted that the relationship has ended and that it is a truth you can live with and move on from?


That’s good question. I don’t like what’s happened or what I’ve gone through but I’m getting to where I needed to be. There is still some unsettledness within me, a conflict that still simmers. While I know this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be and I can see a future where I can have a great relationship with someone that is right for me. It’s has cost me, this has taken a lot of work and I’ve endured a great deal of pain and I accept that I still have a ways to go. While I accept all of this for what it’s and really like the direction my life is taking, I’m still aware of where I’ve been and wouldn’t say I’m happy about it, but I do accept it. In time I feel I will be clear of the unfriendly feelings as they relate to said events but for now I need to be aware of my mind to guard from unhealthy thoughts and therefore behaviors.
Where am I? I’m letting things settle from my past and working on living healthy today, working towards what I now know is possible.


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