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 Post subject: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 2:35 pm 
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I spent some time reading all my post and the corresponding responses in an attempt to build a tool box from the lessons I’ve learned and the tools provided on this site. While working through the posts, which I’ve found very helpful, I came to understand what I’ve been doing in my mind. I think I can see better today that each of us must find our own tools and understand to grow in a direction that is right for us. Since I strive for understanding the mechanics of each tool, I find this helpful of me, I wanted to share what I see as a major trap I continually used to hurt myself and the understanding that I’ve realized that I hope will lead the way to a better direction with my life.

(My True Self)

(My Relationships) (My business) (My Family) (My Friends) (My Past) (My Future) (My failures) (My successes)

My True Self is who I am in my heart and soul. The fragments of my life (the small bolded items listed above) are these thoughts, feelings, interactions, and perceptions I have with others. While important to me, as they have provided the building blocks to shape my true self and are around me in the real the world I live in, they are by themselves but small pieces of the whole experience of life and therefore shall not by themselves be allowed to define the whole of my being. I can see that is what I’ve been doing when in the moments of crisis or emotional turmoil, (and maybe my whole life) allowing these smaller parts to overwhelm and consume me and thereby injecting a minor fragment as my only understanding of my true self in that particular moment. I see these fragments as elements that I used to define my value and their by establish my worth. I’m hopeful that understand and being aware of this tendency will enable me to accept these fragments for what they are, small portions of the world around me, yet not be the defining judgments of how I am. With that understand it’s also important for me to accept that each of these fragments will have things that are good and bad and watch to make sure I’m not seeing them as black and white yet a blend of life or grey.

If someone has experience a similar understanding that they find useful and maybe have ideas how else to inject this into a positive understanding in their life, or if I’m missing something, I would appreciate it if you would point it out.


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 Post subject: Re: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 6:28 pm 
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I like what you wrote here. :)

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 Post subject: Re: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2009 9:31 am 
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I do too! Good work, anchorage!

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I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:08 pm 
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Thanks for your comments :)

While it’s only been a few days since I realized this understanding, it seems to me that these fragments are the battle ground to my recovery. As when I live in the present and accept life for what it is things are going very well. But as I compartmentalize events or scenarios I start make assumptions, take things personally, and twist my thinking.

When this starts to happen, I find it useful to stop and step back and realize these fragments for what they are, just little parts of my life, but not the definition of who I am. I take a few moments and feel the real me and then I’m able to slow things down and make good choices. Being aware of these fragments and working to see what parts are real and what parts are assumptions or fantasies is trying but doable.

At times I’ve asked myself if I working too much at recovery, but as I see the need to be constantly aware of what my mind is doing I’m starting to accept I can’t work at this too much but need to be aware of what I’m doing all the time or I’m not really working towards getting better.

Just my two cents


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 Post subject: Re: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 4:32 pm 
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Wow, Anchorage, this whole thread is chock-full of really, really powerful insights. Way to go!

I especially like this part:
Quote:
As when I live in the present and accept life for what it is things are going very well. But as I compartmentalize events or scenarios I start make assumptions, take things personally, and twist my thinking.

So, what I'm hearing is that by living more in the present (the Now, as I call it), it will help you with twisted thinking, keeping the 4 agreements and even the overwhelming nature of all this. How can you achieve that goal (to live in the present)? Great job recognizing the 'good' or positive side of things going on in the moment!
And this:
Quote:
I find it useful to stop and step back and realize these fragments for what they are, just little parts of my life, but not the definition of who I am.

What I'm hearing from this is that maybe you are feeling You--the essence of what makes you You-- are more than the sum of all your parts. Is that correct? That maybe you are 'worth' more than just one of these fragments? That maybe even if one fragment, say your work, crashed down-- you could still go on knowing that who you are is not made up in the success or loss in this one area?
Quote:
At times I’ve asked myself if I working too much at recovery, but as I see the need to be constantly aware of what my mind is doing I’m starting to accept I can’t work at this too much but need to be aware of what I’m doing all the time or I’m not really working towards getting better.

IMO, it's all about balance. If I work too hard at all of this......well, my productivity slows and I get nowhere. By the same token, if I'm not working actively towards recovery, I fall backwards or I'm stuck in my dreary same-ol-same-ol'. Balance. I think of it as living life in the Flow-- not fighting the current but not getting smashed against the rocks either. Actually enjoying the trip. I try to be aware, like you say, but not think it to death. It works pretty well for me and I hope it does for you too!

I think you may have just rung that bell that you can't unring. Draw strength from these thoughts in times of need, for they will be there-- but you are doing so very well. Bravo! :woohoo

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 Post subject: Re: The matrix of my mind:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 7:10 pm 
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Harmonium,

Harmonium wrote:
So, what I'm hearing is that by living more in the present (the Now, as I call it), it will help you with twisted thinking, keeping the 4 agreements and even the overwhelming nature of all this. How can you achieve that goal (to live in the present)?



Yes – by living in “The Now” I keep myself from sliding into areas of unhealthy thinking. In a way it forces me to ask the questions instead of making assumptions etc, because I’m in the moment. Which is the answer to the how to make this work – by staying in the moment. When my mind drifts – I ask myself where I am. It’s a little harder then it appears as I write this, but it’s doable.


Harmonium wrote:
What I'm hearing from this is that maybe you are feeling You--the essence of what makes you You-- are more than the sum of all your parts. Is that correct? That maybe you are 'worth' more than just one of these fragments?



Yes - IMO - I am worth more than the fragments. First, because I am who I am, the fragments are only what I interact with. Second, it’s will take time, but I see that a large portion of these fragments are not my stuff. As I get better at recognizing the negative aspects of these fragments I think I’ll be better at learning how to think for myself.



Harmonium wrote:
IMO, it's all about balance. If I work too hard at all of this......well, my productivity slows and I get nowhere.



I agree that life takes balance, but at least for me, if I’m not aware of what my mind is doing I tend to fall back into a bad habits of negative or even being too happy about a fragment, these tend to overwhelm me and therefore define me in that moment. So when I wrote about always working on recovery in part it’s about always being aware of when my mind is slipping into unhealthy areas. It still happens a lot, but I’m hopeful that with time and persistent awareness I can change my old habits and create new healthy ones.

BTW – thanks for your support and insight – it’s has meant a great deal to me :)


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