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 Post subject: It was my fault
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:10 pm 
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Well – I can see that a life with her was the life I wanted. It was everything I was looking for. There really wasn’t anything I didn’t like about it, other than myself. The only problem was me. I wasn’t capable of being worthy of the relationship. I was a train wreck.

I was always scared with anxiety, self doubt, assumptions, taking things personally, fortune telling, and twisted thinking; need I go on. I don’t think I’m over stating things this way. I know I can’t do anything about the past and it’s over. But maybe it’s time to accept that it was my entire fault.

I think I’ve been making up the things I didn’t like about her. When there were issues it was the Sh*t in my head. Everyone keep saying that it takes two and no one is right or wrong, but I don’t think that is the case. It was me.

So maybe my inability to move on has been my unwillingness to accept it was all about me. I have only been dump by amazing women 7 or 8 time before, so you think I could find away to accept it’s my fault.

To be honest I really don’t feel bad about it, sad yes, but in fact I’m calm at this moment. I don’t know what it will feel like in an hour or so, but then again I never do.


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 Post subject: Re: It was my fault
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:23 am 
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The confusion I’ve felt throughout the last few days seems to be settling itself out. I think this started with my T on Wednesday talking about “The Shadow Self”, if I understood him correctly; it’s a part of your subconscious self that you keep from everyone including yourself. He felt if one could accept all parts of themselves (by digging into their true self) they would become free to radically acceptance that is for what it is.

I’m not sure it was this meeting with my T, a friend who called me three times yesterday to tell me Tony Robin’s was the answer to my issues (my friend just returned from a week long seminar and was wired tight with Mr. Robin’s solutions, or a mutual friend of my ex calling to check in and quiz me to see how I was doing, (he’s new to the shrink profession).

I’m not sure what triggered things, maybe all the above or maybe it was just time, but I think some of the reasons I’ve been having such a hard time letting this go is because I haven’t been honest with myself. What I wrote “above” that it was entirely my fault, well – that is what I believe. At the time of our relationship I was a train wreck, I wasn’t able to have a healthy relationship. I’ve been told by everyone under the sun that it’s not all my fault, that she was also at fault, and I tried to force this idea in my head. But that idea is not true to me. I think the only way to get past this is to accept what I believe is the truth, feel the pain for what I feel I have done, find a way to forgive myself, and then and only then I can let it go.

What I’ve written above might seem like Black & White thinking but the only things I disliked about her while we were together were due to the issues I was having. I still care for her and I also realize that it’s over. That’s my truth and I can see now that no matter what others think I need to be true to what I believe. I don’t know what this will feel like tomorrow and guess I need to wait and see, but it feel right at this time.


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 Post subject: Re: It was my fault
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:35 pm 
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You can all disregard this post. The last few days have been hard, (self imposed), I’ve been working so hard and digging so deep to fix myself that I forgot to just accept myself. I don’t remember how it started but I fell back into needing answers as to why things ended and what is wrong with me, and that spun into the type of negative thinking I haven’t experienced in weeks or even a month.

I know what the next step is for me and I am just afraid to get started. I need to get out there and start living. I haven’t been very good at relationship or, better put, stable enough to develop lasting ones. But if I use the 5 steps I can 1) continue pining for something that is over, 2) sit around and wait for someone to help me, or 3) just get out there and start living. I really like the idea of number 2 – lol, but given that no one has knocked on my door for quite some time, I guess it’s gotta be door number 3.


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 Post subject: Re: It was my fault
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:02 am 
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I haven't been on the board for a couple of days, but I wanted you to know that I'm here now. I like your choice #3. Now, the hard part is to just do it!

Good luck-- I'm wishing you well! :biggrin

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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