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 Post subject: Just irritated this morning
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 11:29 am 
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This is hard stuff and I tiered of it. I’ve been working so hard at getting better and I know I’ve made some good progress but at times I just get sick of it.

Yesterday I wanted to work on fortune telling and dwelling on the past, things that I do way too much and need to change. I can up with a plan were I would just stop these thoughts by stern focus and it worked for a while. But as the wheels came off I found myself back in a mindset I had several week ago. I worked the five steps (through several layers) and found I was trying to cure myself with one bold move. LOL – it’s almost funny when I consider the big picture. Patience is not something that radiates naturally from me.

The issues within the dwelling and fortune telling are no longer relevant to my life. It’s over – in the past and therefore can’t be changed. Yet I just continue to torture myself. I just want to slap myself in the face and say “it’s been over three months – get over it – it’s time to grow up”. I honestly don’t know if there is some feeling or thought that I need to deal with from my past. I have a hard time believing that after reliving or manifesting fantasies about the past or future events ten times over, that I haven’t covered every possible scenario. The bottom line is I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I want to work on me and what’s next in my life.

At times I feel like an attack dog that I’m trying to change into the family pet. This is just hard and I understand the first step is just to accept this is where I am today and be ok with that, and then I need to be mindful as to my thought and just work on what comes next.

I’m fine, even with this days issues I’m still much better than I was two weeks ago, I’m just venting because I don’t have anyone that has a clue as to what I am talking about - so I’ve just stopped talking to them about my issues.


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 Post subject: Re: Just irritated this morning
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:46 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
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This is how recovery is sometimes -- you try to make changes, your well-worn thought patters seem to win out, you feel frustrated and wonder if it you will ever change.

I hope you can just accept your feelings about it all, just let yourself feel them. I find that when I do that, when the feelings are over (they always, always pass), that my old ways have a little less of a grip on me than they did before!

Peace,
jim

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Live each day as if an insane theocratic regime had issued a fatwa against you.


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 Post subject: Re: Just irritated this morning
PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:12 pm 
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Thanks Jim,

I think you're right. I also think I've been trying so hard that I've missed the fact that I just need to stop and accept this is just where I am in my life. I don't like it, but it's what it is.


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