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 Post subject: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:48 pm 
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From DBT lesson on Radical Acceptance:
Quote:
Radical Acceptance is the first step towards change. It is the letting go of fighting reality. Suffering is pain plus nonacceptance of the pain. Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE from deep within of what is. Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.

For quite some time now, I have been refusing to accept the reality of my relationship with my ex. I have been able to recognize that our relationship was unhealthy, but I have still allowed him back into my life time and time again. He has a son, who was conceived while he and I were seeing each other. I have suffered due to my nonacceptance of the pain this child's existence causes me. I obsess over the child, I wish for the demise of the child, I get envious of the attention given to the child. And this causes me great distress. So I try to turn my mind to acceptance. The child is here now and there is nothing that can be done to change that fact. My ex suffered the consequences of his actions. He did what he did and he has to live with the result. It causes me pain to think that he betrayed me and that he loves and is involved with this child. But I do not need to suffer. I can accept that this is a painful situation and remove myself from it. I do not have to allow this pain to turn into suffering and I do not have to welcome it into my life. I can recognize that my ex wanted one thing - the freedom to see other women and take risks and accept the consequences of his risks and I wanted another thing - a committed relationship with a man who was seeing only me. I do not have to hold out hope that he will one day become the man he claimed he wanted to be. Because that will only keep me trapped in the place of suffering. Because he will continue to be who he really is, not who I want him to be, and the child will continue to exist, and I will continue to be in distress. But if I accept that we did not have the relationship I hoped for, and he is not the man I wanted, and what happened is painful but still reality, then I can escape from the suffering and get on with my life. I feel myself at the verge of letting go of suffering and accepting the pain this relationship has caused me, but I beg for the strength to stay at this stage of mental clarity. I do not want to slip back into disorder and allow this man and all the mental and emotional garbage that comes with him back into my life.


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 Post subject: Re: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 7:33 am 
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It sounds like him cheating was unacceptable, and the issue with the child is simply that the existance of the child means you can't deny that he cheated. You can't forget and pretend it didn't happen. No child, and you could forget and see him as always faithful.

Separately, I like that idea suffering is the non-acceptance of pain. A good thing to keep in mind. It's true even when we can't step out of the situation that causes us pain. Accept that pain, and do what we can to alleviate it, which may or may not get rid of the pain. I can see with my own situation, that when I accept the pain, I suffer less. And when I accept the pain, I'm also better able to work through it, and see what I can do about it.

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 Post subject: Re: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:12 am 
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One of my tag lines is "pain is resistance to change". This is so very true for me in all aspects of my life. When I feel pain, emotional or otherwise, it lets me know something needs to change and I am somehow blocking or resisting that change. It means to me I'm not 'flowing'. Once I acknowledge and deal with the reality at hand (i.e. that I need to change something) the pain goes away and I begin to flow once again.

Just my 2 cents! :D

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 Post subject: Re: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:21 am 
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So much mental and emotional pain can be alleviated through the simple act of acceptance.

I'm glad you're able to see that place now, Chai. If there comes a time when you forget that you've reached this place of understanding, I hope you'll find your way back to it quickly. You shouldn't have to suffer for the sake of suffering.

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 Post subject: Re: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:32 pm 
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Thank you, Ash. That has been my problem in the past - "slipping" out of these states of mental clarity back into disorder. I read that radical acceptance is something you must practice over and over - you don't just do it once and you are done. So with this particular situation, I will have to keep reminding myself of what I have come to understand and accept and not allow the situation to overwhelm me again.


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 Post subject: Re: Suffering is the nonacceptance of pain
PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 4:13 pm 
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EllenKMR wrote:
It sounds like him cheating was unacceptable, and the issue with the child is simply that the existance of the child means you can't deny that he cheated. You can't forget and pretend it didn't happen. No child, and you could forget and see him as always faithful.


Being as this is the radical acceptance forum, I should reword that. Being with him after he cheated was unacceptable, and... (rest same as before.)

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