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 Post subject: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:15 pm 
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Ever since I posted about taking reasonability for most, really all, of the reasons a former relationship did not work I’ve been contemplating writing a letter of apology. I’ve tried several drafts, each time I finished a draft I would save it, allow some time to pass and then see how it made me feel. Then I’d work the 5 steps and conclude it’s not a good idea to send it. I just didn’t like the way it made me vulnerable and I questioned whether it was the truth.

Time would pass and I’d get back to work on the letter, formulating what I wanted to say. Then I’d sit on it for awhile before working the 5 steps where I would come to the same conclusion – not a good idea to send it. I must have gone through 6 or 7 drafts and it’s still not what I want to say. The interesting part of this is almost every time I would work the 5 steps I’d find new things I hadn’t dealt with, which allowed me to just sit with it and allow the issues to pass. When my anxiety, about sending the letter would rise to where it was really uncomfortable, the decision to not send the letter would elevate any concern.

My reason for writing the letter – honestly, I was trying to get her to see me in a new light. Background: about two months ago - I wrote her a really nice letter and sent her some pictures. Then a week went by, were she had not returned some of my things I had requested, and I lost it and sent some angry assumption riddled e-mails while trying to tell her the truth about me, nothing like scarring the Sh*t out of someone. In the last one, over a month ago, I said if she didn’t contact me I would not try to contact her again. Well – it’s been quite.

My conclusion on the letter: it needs to be for me, so I might keep working on it from time to time to see what I haven’t learned yet, but I am not ready to send it and I won’t be until I am ok with whatever if any response it generates.

What I’ve learned from this experience:

When I just relax and work the 5 steps the results can be amazing, sometime it’s more difficult than others, but when the answer comes as to what’s really bothering me – it almost feels like magic.

Understanding the concept of patients: Many responses to my post have included a comment about being patient; as these things take time. I don’t think I really understood the concept until last night. I got back to reading the book Full Catastrophe Living. On page 34 the author writes about patients as a form of wisdom. And I quote “it demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact the sometimes things must unfold in their own time. As a child may try to help a butterfly to emerge by breaking open its chrysalis, any adult knows that the butterfly can only emerge in its own time, that the process cannot be hurried”. This understanding gives my comfort in knowing answers will come when the time is right.

Radical Acceptance: I haven’t Radically Accepted this relationship is over, I know it done, but I haven’t radically accepted it. My mind would not keep coming back to these issues and I would be a peace with it, if I had. (To be honest – I am just scared to see her. I just don’t know how I would react. I’m not sure what to do with this one. And I don’t really understand what it means.) But I’m committed to getting there and I will find a way.
If I need to keep digging for my own truth and accept things I haven’t realized I need to, ok.
If I need to work with the meditation as to letting go, ok.
I will spend effort at being better to myself by eating healthier, working out, getting out more, and quite smoking (started again three months ago when things went south – not my best move).
I will work toward developing my future and finding the life I want.
I’ll work at the prospect of getting there with the understanding that these answers will come in their own time.

If someone sees a kink in my logic please feel free to point it out. If I’m not seeing something I would like to know.

I do have one question. Since I started taking Citalopram much of my altering self image has stabilized, but I can see that changes to my state of mind affect the level of unhealthy thinking. It seems to me as one move towards recovery their self image is further stabilized.


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 Post subject: Re: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 9:04 am 
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My thinking after reading the first paragraph was, the time to stop rewriting that letter, would be if the decision not to send it or not was about her rather than you. Or, rather, even, including considering what's best for her.

And, reading on, it sounds like writing them is a good exercise for you. Which is true whether or not you ultimately come up with a version you send.

I think these are good thoughts in your post. My sense is you are in a good spot. Not an endpoint, but a good spot for moving forward on the journey.

Also, at the end of your post you say "I do have one question.", and then didn't ask a question, and I can't figure out what the question you have related to what you said is. What's the question?

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 Post subject: Re: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 10:43 am 
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EllenKMR,

Thanks for you comments. I reread my post and I can see where I was not clear with a question.

So

Will my altering self image dissipate as I get better? I think I understand the answer, because is it getting better.


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 Post subject: Re: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 10:31 am 
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As to my take on the writing the letter, [

quote="EllenKMR"]My thinking after reading the first paragraph was, the time to stop rewriting that letter, would be if the decision not to send it or not was about her rather than you. Or, rather, even, including considering what's best for her. [/quote]

I think writing and rewriting the letter was a good exercise, but my intent wasn’t good for me. I worked the five steps and it’s clear to me I wanted her to know that since I’ve made all these positive changes in my life - that “NOW” we could be great together. This is silly; it’s been over for 3 months. I’m going with my third option, where I commit myself to lettingn go and moving on with my life. Maybe someday I’ll apologize, but for now it needs to be all about me.


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 Post subject: Re: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:19 pm 
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Can anyone explain to me the attachment between a person with BPD and a non BPD SO


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 Post subject: Re: A statement of findings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:56 pm 
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I can’t say this is what everyone with BPD goes through but I will share what I understand about myself. I’ve realized my inability to letting go was caused by;

1) My inability to envision a good life without this person in it.
2) My mind would establish myself worth to this person’s view of me. Since she left me I wasn’t worth anything.
3) I didn’t understand the mental mechanics of letting go. In my option, let go of the past is a decision and I needed to learn how to properly train my mind so I could let go of the past.
4) I didn’t understand how to accept things for what they are. If I didn’t like something, i.e. she left me, my thoughts would fight the reality and I would look for things I did wrong (in the past) and try to find solutions, than impose those solutions in to the present and see (in my head) that things should really be find – let’s get back together.
5) My inability to understand the concept of separation of stuff: In my boarder line head, anything she did was the direct result of me. She was not allowed to have an opinion, wasn’t allowed to do anything that wasn’t based on something I did or what I wanted. Nor did I understand that I could do what I needed to do for me, I thought everything I did needed to be based on what her reaction would be.

I think this experience is different for each person facing the challenge of BPD and there are many other factors that come into play. These are just the things I’m working on and I hope it give you and basic understand of some of the issues.


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