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 Post subject: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 10:23 am 
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It seems to me I can’t commit to writing a letter of apology because I can’t stay with the same opinion as what I want to say. One of my reasons for writing it was to find other issues that I had not resolved. After completing that exercise I just want to finish it, but I haven’t been able to because each time I came back to it my opinion of how I viewed the past or what I want from the letter has changed.

I think this process is keeping me tied to her. Maybe in some sick way that is what I wanted. I’ve committed myself to moving on, but I think I am being cleaver with myself in finding ways to hang on.

The other part of this that bothers me is the altered thoughts, (seeing things so different from time to time), I don’t see a tool to assist with this issue, unless it the combination of all the tools over time and the successful utilization of the 5 steps from continual practice. It just seems like so much work.

I guess each time I learned something new (and I thought I was pointing to a new beginning) it was just a door way to my next issue, and I’m sure there will be more it come. Last night I re-read the ten forms a twisted thinking and I could see where my mind had used all ten over the last few days. Then I reread my post on being embarrassed because I feel really bad about the way I’ve been acting over the last several months. This morning it feels like I need to work on fear, because I’m scared to let go of the past because I’m scared to move towards the future. The thing is, I’ve work all these tools over the past few months and thought I understood them. Then when I reread them I realized I didn’t quite get it the first time and have to learn more.

This just feels like I’m climbing a mountain with an unknown number (maybe thousands) of false peaks. To be honest, I’m getting really sick of it.


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 11:51 am 
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Lather, rinse, repeat. ;)

Recovery-- at least getting to that point-- is about repitition. Feelings change day in day out, so it's 'normal' in my mind that you would feel one way one moment and another the next, maybe even to the point of not being able to see why you felt the way you are not currently feeling.
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I think this process is keeping me tied to her. Maybe in some sick way that is what I wanted. I’ve committed myself to moving on, but I think I am being cleaver with myself in finding ways to hang on.

Seems to me that you have identified the problem ('I don't really want to let this relationship go, probably because I'm afraid'). Step One done-- cross it off your list. Now what? How can you get past the fear and move on? What are you doing to continue the attachment that you are willing to forgo for the sake of moving on? Try to remember that taking baby steps rather than giant leaps can help and still get you where you want to go!

Anchorage..... I've spoken with you quite a bit. I think I really identify with your plight. I also think this whole recovery thing has it's own time frame. I know my journey kept taking longer than I imagined it would (normally, things come easily to me but not recovery). I hear you clearly when you say that you are frustrated and feel like there are endless mountains to climb. But....looked at another way, those are many, many mountains you have already climbed-- it's stuff you've made it through. Life is HARD.Biggest fallacy of my childhood was the idea that life would one day be an easy thing to cope with-- I've never found that to be true. But, it can be fun! And (maybe most importantly) I keep getting back up, back on the horse. The way I see it is that these things can only really and truly 'beat' me if I let them. So I won't, no matter how many mountains I have to climb. Resilience is a learned asset, a learned skill IMO. Teach your mind to be resilient and life/coping gets easier, less trying. At least, that's my experience.

The disorder can't win if I keep getting back up. Maybe that's black-and-white, win/loose, but looking at it that way helps me. If grey is the goal, looking at some things in an all-or-nothing way some of the time can be an okay thing to do, IMO. It's all about whether or not the behaviour/action/thought helps towards the goal.
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The other part of this that bothers me is the altered thoughts, (seeing things so different from time to time), I don’t see a tool to assist with this issue, unless it the combination of all the tools over time and the successful utilization of the 5 steps from continual practice. It just seems like so much work.

Yep, for me it IS a combo of all the tools used in conjunction and repeatedly. It IS work, but it's also about habit. A habit can be formed (scientifically speaking) by repeating a behaviour (or set of them) for a consistent amount of time (like 4-6 weeks). Changing your thinking from BPD-like or anxiety-ridden to that of a calm 'recovery' sometimes is just a matter of forming those new habits. If you can't change the situation-- in this case, that you keep having to manually untwist or work the tools-- change your attitude towards it. Essence of recovery in my book.

Hope some of that helps. Take what you like and leave the rest, as always. And also as always, I wish you the best. :D

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:38 pm 
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Thanks harmonium,


Harmonium wrote:
('I don't really want to let this relationship go, probably because I'm afraid').


You are right on the money.

Harmonium wrote:
How can you get past the fear and move on?


I need to just start doing what I want to do for myself.

Harmonium wrote:
What are you doing to continue the attachment that you are willing to forgo for the sake of moving on?


I will do my best to:

Stop attaching her (imaginary) opinion to my decision (this must sound silly – but it’s what I’ve been doing).

Let the thoughts of her go, don’t pursue the thoughts, just recognize them and allow them to leave me.

Harmonium wrote:
If you can't change the situation-- in this case, that you keep having to manually untwist or work the tools-- change your attitude towards it.


I will remind myself these changes are all for me and the life I want.


Harmonium wrote:
Resilience is a learned asset, a learned skill IMO. Teach your mind to be resilient and life/coping gets easier, less trying.



I will not quit, I might fall now and then but I just need to see the reason I fall so much - is because I’m trying so hard. If I never fall, I’m not working hard enough.

Thanks again.


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:38 pm 
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Why not feel good about recovery?

This might sound like a silly question, but I can’t see a reason that I can have fun when working towards recovery. Somewhat like meditation, when you just acknowledge thoughts and feeling but don’t act on then, I could keep my upbeat fun attitude while allowing the other stuff to pass by.

And just change the way you look at things,

When I think about her – thank her for helping me find the answers I needed. "It was fun – but the next one will be so much better with what I have learned".

Change the attitude about the process :)

Not sure why I thought I need to hurt to get better. I need to replace the term hurt with Feel.


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:03 am 
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This outlines my goal of getting past this relationship:

I’m committed to getting over this
There are no do over’s in life”

The problem: “I don't really want to let this relationship go, probably because I'm afraid”

Now I need to get starting making a life.

What am I doing to continue the attachment that I am willing to forgo for the sake of moving on?

1) Stop attaching her (imaginary) opinion to my decisions
2) Let the thoughts of her go, don’t pursue them, just recognize them and allow them to leave
3) Stop working on anything for her. (no letter no apology)
4) Stop trying to understand her reasons (no more reliving the past, it can’t be changed)
5) Stop fortune telling with her in it.
6) Stop considering her reaction to anything you do.
7) Stay away from mutual friends – if they call me then I can decide what to do.
8) Forgive yourself – you’re not perfect neither is she
9) Forgive yourself for the e-mails – that is just what you did not who you are. You learned.
10) Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made – it was a good learning experience – but it’s over.
11) It’s over – it was her choice – now it’s my choice as to what to do with my life.
12) Accept that it is over! Work on what is good for me!
13) Meditation

How can you get past the fear and move on?

Why was I afraid? Two things: 1) because I didn’t (think) I have any close friends. So losing her left me alone. Therefore, getting her back would solve the issue of me being alone. OK, I admit it. The strange thing is I have a lot of people that like me. But I think my twisted thinking was keeping me from seeing them as friends. 2) The other part of fear is thinking that I cannot replace her. But she is not the only woman I’ve dated and to be honest many others have cared for me much more. I just need to get started. I’m a better prepared person today, (I still have a lot to learn) but I think I could be in a healthy relationship right now.

1) Start doing things I like to do. I can start small but start today!
2) Take care of me: (daily)
a) Workout
b) Eat healthy
c) Quit smoking
3) Work on good things for me
4) Make plans with friends
5) Find a new hobby
6) Work on new business plan
7) Work – just get out there and work – there are people to meet.
8) Do something FUN everyday (I need to find something)
9) Date – even if it not the right person, just do it. (need to work on this one)
10) Get out of the house – (go somewhere: the book store, a friend’s house, etc).


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:21 am 
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I really like your line of thought (if I'm following correctly, no assumptions!). I'm very glad for you that things in your head are seeming to become more developed, more defined, more doable, etc..

I'm wondering if you can't simplify it though. I like your lists, but they seem to be saying much of the same thing (though slightly different). Just seems for me, if I can simplify things it helps. Let's see....

Your first list, in response to "What am I doing to continue the attachment that I am willing to forgo for the sake of moving on?", I could see the first 7 items on that list boiled down to:
"Stay away from reminders of the past (her) so that I can move forward (with me) and not get caught up in past mistakes" (or something of the sort)
And the next 5 listed 'wants' involve:
"forgive myself and find a way to move forward" (or something of the sort)

Does that make sense?
How could you simplify the next list, with the query "How can you get past the fear and move on?" Would simply answering this with maybe "take action" help you?
Quote:
Now I need to get starting making a life.

Just do it!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 10:47 am 
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Thanks Harmonium,

Through the help of a friend I come up with an idea that seems to work for me:

Tony Robins the 6 steps

1) Decide a) what you want and b) what’s preventing you from getting it:
a) I want a positive attitude.
b) I dwell on the past and things I’m not happy about.

2) Get leverage on yourself a) why do it b) what will I get.
a) Its way too much pain to stay in this sh*t hole. (the former is easy I’m use to it)
b) Freedom – happiness - great relationships – enjoy life :)

3) Interrupt the patter – (change your state of mind) Image a movie of the negative thought – them scramble the negativity, make it go forward and backwards faster and faster - making funny features on the people’s faces – then allow the picture to dissolve or explode.
Next - Make this outrageous: (jump up and down while scrunch my face shake my head and arms/ shake my whole body while fling my arms and make funny faces / boxing wildly while being really silly: This must be strong and passionate and fun and silly, the more outrageous and more effective.

4) Create a powering alternative – / Make love to the woman of your dreams / image the woman you love given birth to your son / imagine am image or scenario that would fill your heart with love and joy – make this powerful and feel it!

5) Condition your new patter until it works (do it every time until it’s a habit that kills the former one.

6) Test it!

I’ve also come with one question: Is what I’m currently thinking or doing helping me move forward in life? If not, change it!


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:52 pm 
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Harmonium, you’re right!

I will use the attitude adjustment when needed but I need to clearly commit to a simple plan to get past this.

Harmonium wrote:
Your first list, in response to "What am I doing to continue the attachment that I am willing to forgo for the sake of moving on?", I could see the first 7 items on that list boiled down to:
"Stay away from reminders of the past (her) so that I can move forward (with me) and not get caught up in past mistakes" (or something of the sort)
And the next 5 listed 'wants' involve:
"forgive myself and find a way to move forward" (or something of the sort)


anytime my mind slips I'll use: she made her choice, it's over - now it's my choice, I'm done with this. I give myself for my being perficted, I've learned and I ready to use my new self to move on with my life.


Harmonium wrote:
How could you simplify the next list, with the query "How can you get past the fear and move on?" Would simply answering this with maybe "take action" help you?

Quote:
Now I need to get starting making a life.

Just do it!


I like this - "JUST DO IT!"

I've changed my story:

Tony Robins “Rejection breeds Obsession”
Why was I willing to continue hurting myself with obsessing over this former relationship?
Because accepting the pain was easier then moving on.

Why was it so hard to move on?
I was scared.

Scared of what?
I was scared that I wouldn’t find someone as good since I didn’t believe I had anything of value to offer someone in a new relationship.

Why didn’t I think I had nothing to offer?
Because I was screwed up and needed to fix myself, I don’t have much money, I had a bad attitude, and I started smoking again, etc. (This is the wrong internal dialoged)

What is the right internal dialog: I am a great guy, funny, loving, companionate, great in bed, and I have a $20 mil dollar idea in the works. No, I most likely won’t make much money over the next 9 months but after this business gets off the ground the sky is the limit. I’ll quit smoking again, and I am a much better person Today!


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:13 pm 
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Being scared of something is a tough situation. It can keep us stuck in the quagmire of incessant emotions.

The trick for me: Realize that being scared is a choice-- I'm giving into the fear and in essence, making my current life miserable by choice. So, I look at it as the stuff I'm scared of can't possibly be worse in reality as what I'm making myself go through in the Now. In other words, I get more benefit by taking a risk because the choice of remaining stuck and scared just doesn't work for me.
Quote:
Why was I willing to continue hurting myself with obsessing over this former relationship?
Because accepting the pain was easier then moving on.

Is this still true for you? Is the pain easier to deal with than moving on, taking a risk? Really? I used to think so, because it was all I knew. I just thought that was the way my life was; had to be. Now that I have some practice facing the fear and succeeding.........moving on is a whole lot easier to me than staying stuck. Maybe it's just a matter of shifting the thoughts, I dunno, but nowadays I can't imagine actively choosing to remain miserable because I'm afraid of moving on. There is too much Life out there for me to live!

Just some thoughts. I think you are doing a great job working on your stuff. It's really nice to see!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: Why I flop on the letter:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:38 pm 
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In my post I was writing about changing the way I see things. I was using the question and answers (when I wrote about fear) to figure out what I've been doing to myself to keep me from letter go. At the end I wrote about my old internal dialog and the new one I'm choosing to replace it with. I understand the fear was keeping me from moving on, but before last night, I really didn't understand why. Now I feel I do.


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