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 Post subject: Attachment?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:59 am 
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How and why are the borderline disordered person and the nonborderline disordered person attached to each other? Why are some of these attachments so strong?


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 Post subject: Re: Attachment?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:34 am 
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Quote:
How and why are the borderline disordered person and the nonborderline disordered person attached to each other?


Same how and why as with other people. Or, rather, same range of hows and whys. People with BPD vary. People without BPD vary. There is no "the borderline disordered person" no "the nonborderline disordered person". There are persons with BPD (or, more correctly, who fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD) and those without BPD (who don't fit the diagnostic criteria).

Attachment is normal. Sometimes we go about it in unhealthy ways. Not just those with BPD, but others too.

Quote:
Why are some of these attachments so strong?


My theory is they aren't stronger than attachments that don't involve a person with BPD. I think many people with BPD feel things more strongly than average, including attachments. I also think we notice attachment more when it's unhealthy. So an unhealthy attachment may feel strong just because the strain in the relationship draws our attention to the attachment. Whereas in a healthy relationship we may not notice so much just how much we are attached.

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 Post subject: Re: Attachment?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:58 am 
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Thank you for your reply. The point I was making is that BPD Is a disorder so there are borderline personality disordered persons. You will also find that most people who are
in relationships with persons with BPD have some issue that makes them
attracted to that type of relationship and that type of person. It is a
disorder or sorts in and of itself.

In terms of attachment, people with BPD generally do have disorders
of attachment. These attachments are in fact much different than "normal" attachments if you read the literature. My interest in
asking the question was to hear how people in these relationships feel personally about the attachments. A kind of man in the streets report of their feelings about attachment.

Thank you


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 Post subject: Re: Attachment?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:40 pm 
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I don't think the unhealthy attachments that those with BPD sometimes have are distinct from normal. Rather, they are a subset of normal. And it's not like those with BPD don't ever have healthy attachments. It's not that simple.

I'm assume by "a relationship" you mean, romantic/sexual type relationships. Significant others. But attachments happen in all kinds of relationships, not just those. Did your mean your original question to only be about significant other relationships?

Me, I've been married 16 years, and I haven't had any BPD related relationship issues. If there are any differences from typical in terms of attachment in our marriage, they come from autistic spectrum traits.

Perhaps that's because I didn't marry someone who I see as a parent figure. That's where I've had over-strong (or so seeming) attachments, unhealthy attachments, is when that comes into play.

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 Post subject: Re: Attachment?
PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 5:40 pm 
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Attachment plus bad boundaries = messy relationship.

That goes for any sort of relationship.

And those with BPD tend to have bad boundaries. From what I've read, those who get into messy (troublesome) relationships with those with BPD also tend to have bad boundaries.

That idea fits my own experience, and what I've seen others share.

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 Post subject: Re: Attachment?
PostPosted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 4:59 am 
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Hi folks, FWIW, I'd go with Ellens last post as being spot on the money.

As someone who is attached to someone with BPD, I would add that sometimes being conscious of appropriate boundaries can get pretty tough.

I think that in any situation where there is a NEED for both validation and reciprocation of your feelings (i.e. I love me, you love me too don't you?) - as is usual in many love relationships particularly in the early stages - there is a potential for getting hooked into a 'stronger attachment' with a significant other.

'Treat em mean, keep em keen' is an unpleasant yet apt analogy for what can happen to the individual in this type of relationship.

And I can vouch personally for the impact that this tug of war between want I want to hear and what I actually hear does to my emotional well being - even more so when I cannot see any rational explanation for it.

Does any of this mean that I have more specific issues than anyone else? Not according to my therapist! :D but seriously, I fell in love with my partner without knowing that she had BPD and the course of our relationship in the early stages followed almost the same course as every other relationship that I have had. I say almost because after my divorce I became significantly more cautious in approaching love relationships - I held off 'falling in love' for a long time. That said when I did fall in love I made a commitment to myself and to us to give the relationship 100%

I do not feel that I am any more or less attached to my BPD SO than I have been to any other individual who I have shared a love relationship with. Actually, on reflection, I'm probably less attached than I was in some of the early relationships I had during my formative years (if only I knew then what I know now!!!).

And that's my 'man on the streets' report.

Regards

Paul.


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