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 Post subject: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:04 pm 
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I had a major reality check last night - got a DUI and arrested for the first time in my life. I accept in this moment that I am feeling a lot of fear and anxiety. I accept that I am out of balance and need to go back to therapy consistently I think. I accept that what happened last night could of been a heck of a lot worse - I wasn't that much over the limit and I'll basically pay a bunch of fines and get a slap on the wrist. I need to take this as a major wake up call. I have been surrounding myself with people who are not healthy for me and my association with those people has harmed me - last night being case in point because our dysfunction feeds on itself and I end up making bad decisions.

Maybe this isn't the right forum to post this but I'm just going to babble right now.

So many things running through my mind - I need to remember that I am not bad or unworthy or evil because I got a DUI last night. My judgment lately seems to be skewed but that doesn't mean I"m bad. It just means I'm out of balance and I need to get back into balance. And the situation last night was a major sign that things are just out of wack.

I, of course, am angry with myself. I have never been arrested before or gotten a DUI. My worst fear is that I am not good enough,that I can't handle life and someday I'm going to be so out of balance that I won't be able to swing back into balance. This is inaccurate and a wacked perception. T says the evidence doesn't support that. Last night illustrated that I hit a major bump in the road, but that is what it is - a bump. I will be okay. I will go to court, pay the fees, move to grad school and be okay. I am strong enough to do this, even when I feel like I'm not. I am also human and have bpd so the fact that life just slapped me in the face is just reality. It means I'm too far out of balance right now.

Sometimes I wonder if my fear of success leads me to self-destruction. I am now going to graduate school in less than two months. I don't know if it is the combination of decreased therapy and my own self-destructive tendencies that is creating the imbalance, or if it is something else entirely. All I do know is that I need to cut out the chaos in my life, as much as I can. And fast.

I am trying really hard not to berate myself right now. I so want to. Inside of me I hear this voice screaming, "You worthless, horrible crazy bitch. How can you be so stupid? How can you be such a damn loser? How? How can you be so contemptible? So evil?"

But, I "know" (intellectually) that berating myself won't help me. Neither will cutting, which is a desire that is pretty intense right now. The damage is already done and now I just have to deal with it.

I can choose to look at this in a positive light. Yes, I messed up and yes it is going to suck paying the consequences. But I am lucky because I know there were nights where I was much worse and drove home. I could have killed someone. Or been way way over the limit instead of just a little. Life just told me to get my act together.

I have to be honest I really want to cut right now. I am not going to but I really really want to. I am going to try to stay in the present moment. I can't change the decisions I have already made. All I can do is choose to make healthier decisions.

There were signs I needed to pay attention to with my own behavior and with hanging out with this current crowd. My increased drinking and not remembering it, the stories from J about being trouble, my broken screen door, A's penchant to go straight to the bar when something goes wrong in her life. I have been here before and I don't want to be in this place again. I have always said that I can visit that world, but I CANNOT live there. And yet my desire lately has been to keep going back to that world.

That stops now.

I'm going to go distract myself with a book. I am exhausted and my head just keeps going around in circles.

As always, thanks for listening....

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 8:07 am 
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Oh Pip, I'm sorry to hear that. I know how upsetting a DUI can be. I got one when I was 19 yrs old. I, unfortunately, was at 0.18 BAC so I definitely had no business behind the wheel of a car, that's for sure.

What would happen if you allowed yourself a window for a pity party / self-loathing session? Would you be able to recognize when it's time to stop? Would you be able to take the self-recriminations and counteract them with helpful, healthy statements that can help you get yourself "back in whack"?

Do you think that you might be building up the "fear of success / self-destruction" so much that it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy? What would life look like if you didn't have a cloud of fear/destruction looming over your head? What if you could just stride confidently into your own successful future?

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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 12:54 pm 
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BPDpip5,

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, but as strange as this may sound your situation might be a great opportunity.
Four months ago I was arrested for a DUI. After feeling sorry for myself for a day or so, I decided to make something positive come from my mistake, learn something about myself, and maybe help keep others from making the same mistake.

I lost my license for three months yet instead of asking people for rides I took the bus or called a cab.

I went in for evaluations and was honest – that cost me more money and I was required to do an extensive rehab program (more them I really needed as I’ve learned most people just lie about themselves). But in thought the process I learned a lot about myself.

I never drove while my license was suspended. This might sound strange, but every person I’ve talked to that has gotten their licenses suspended from a DUI just drove and took the risk of being caught. In my mind that is not accepting what I had done.

I spent three days in jail. I could have opted to take 5 days of home restriction with ankle monitoring, but I wanted to see what life could be like if I choose to continue with poor decision making. BTW – I was the only person in jail that admitted I was guilty and it was my own doing that cause this situation. I now understand why there are so many repeat offenders. I have also learned that Jail is a place I would never want to return to. The freedom we enjoy in this country is too great for me to risk it on poor behavior and decisions.


What good came from this?

I will never drink and drive again.
I didn’t physically hurt anyone one or myself. Thank God!
I think I have help other people understand the stupidly of driving under the influence.
I’ve learned to take responsibility for my actions. It happened, I did it, it’s over, now I’ll pay the price, learn something, and move on.
It has cost me a lot of money but if I can retain the lessons form this experience it’s was worth it.

Just some thoughts.


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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:20 pm 
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Thank you both. I need to not respond right now but I am listening and pondering your words.
K

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:39 am 
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(((((Pip)))))

Just wanted you to know I was reading and I care-- hugs your way.

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
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BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 3:48 pm 
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I've had lots to think about in the last few days. My thoughts are still scrambled somewhat. On one hand, I feel the DUI is a glaring sign that I"m off track and I should take drastic steps to fix it like putting myself back into rehab or something or thinking that maybe I am one of those people who just can't drink at all. On the other hand, I also feel like I am okay for the most part and that it was just a stupid mistake on my part but that there is no need to do anything drastic to "fix it" but rather to just accept I screwed up. So, I guess the question becomes, what does it mean?

At the very least, it was a good wakeup call and I definitely know that I won't be drinking and driving for a very long time, if ever.

Anchorage - as weird as this sounds, I"m glad I'm not the only one and I think you are right that stuff like this helps us learn and grow. If I can learn something about myself, then at least that is something positive that came out of it.

Ash - I would love to envision my future with confidence and without fear. I am torn though because how do I know if that is realistic or not? It's like saying I'll never be overly emotional again, which as we all know, is just unrealistic. Do I think it is a self-fullfilling prophecy? Very possible. But again, how do I be realistic about who I am and also not fall into the self-fullfilling trap?

I don't know. Thank you to all who responded. And, I have more to ponder I think.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: acceptance and getting arrested
PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 10:54 pm 
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Sorry about your DUI. I find that like you I am easily influenced by others and need to be carefully with the company I keep. Consequently I spend a lot of time alone. Even music. I will speed if I listen to the Rolling Stones. Funny but true. It seems strange to me that i would be influenced by others easily, but I have kept track over the years. Good years, stable people, bad years, wild child friends. It makes me feel supremely stupid at times...like where the heck did my individuality go? Then I sit down in the woods somewhere, get connected back to the world and put stuff on the poison ivy.


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