Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:33 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Divorce from a BDP wife
PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:58 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:42 am
Posts: 1
I hope I am at the right place:

I just divorce my wife of 3 years. I am highly suspected she has BPD. She shows all the symptoms and it’s been hell for me after the honeymoon phase.

Beside all the fights, suicide attempts, out bursts, running out the house, cutting of her arms, you name it, I sticked by her like glue. Always thought she just had issues from childhood and a lot of failed relationships as she told me so intensely, I became her knight in shining armour and was snared for life. 2 years down the line we became very distant; I suspected an affair and was spot on when I caught her in March. I suspect now that this affair was not the 1st and will not be the last. We’ve turned at the point of divorce with promises and honestly and all that bullsh*t but I could never trust her again; she did not even try to gain my trust again. Things were okay for 3 months after that incident, very good acting from her side. One day I picked some irregularities in her behaviour and asked her if there is something wrong. She told me this marriage is not working. 2 weeks later we agreed to send her son away to his grand parents and I kicked her out. I can’t live with someone after telling me this and giving them a roof over there head while looking for another place to stay. I found out she was messing with the same guy around again so I informed his wife and send her all the emails and txt I collected. She came down on her with vengeance; I must admit I was revengeful then and jealous because I still loved her. Tons of phone calls, explaining, saying sorry and all that later, she started blaming me one night of trying to ruin her live as I have ruined our marriage. She claims I do not make her happy; she does not love me like wife should love her husband, she wants to live and know there must be something better for her out there, and so on and forth. I just decided, why hanging on to just a separation agreement, why don’t I just divorce her and get it over with. As painful as it was for me I started the process and got the best freakin lawyer who can settle this thing the fastest and effective.

A month ago she found a flat, and moved in with another guy. This guy was obsessive about her sister not even 2 months prior to moving in with my ex. Since he could not get his hands on her he settled with my ex-wife. Currently they are sharing a flat, my ex-wife is 24 with two failed marriages and a 5 year old son, I am 33. This new dude is only 22 and setting up house for her, very nice for him but so dangerous. They are dead poor; the income between them is 5 times less than mine alone. So please imagine the life I gave her and her son. I financially cut her off; she has no where else to go except for this dude and his family. Her only friend abandoned her since no more freedom and money she used to have. Life must really suck for her and I don’t want to be in her shoes!

I am fine on the other hand. I am a very practical person. I was badly in love with her but I made my provision before marriage by pre-nup and never legally adopting her son either (thank goodness). Now I have a lady in my life but we are just friends at the moment since I told her I don’t want to rush into anything until I get my issues sorted. My ex-wife know we’ve have been seeing each other on a social basis since she moved out, she is my pillar I can lean on and talk about my problems. My lady friend knows everything about my relationship issues with my ex-wife, she knows my ex personally since a year ago and can truly evaluate everything we talk about. The last thing I want is a rebound relationship like what my ex-wife is having clearly now and I do not want to build a relationship with someone who is dear to me in the shadows of my ex.

Now, I know now BPD people have this fear of abandonment. My ex has been asking a lot of questions these last few weeks before the divorce about my relationship status and where it is going with the new girl. I told her on occasion she helped me revamped my house, buy new bedding, new clothes, I physically look better since she came into my life and so forth. Since we got divorced a week ago I just tell her it’s none of her business and ignore her emails bluntly. I know it drives her crazy if she gets no answer from me but hey, we are divorced and I don’t fish about her fling with the young man in her life although I know exactly what is happening. I think I proofed it well yesterday. I don’t really speak to her and avoid as much as I can. She took something from me that I needed when she moved out and I confronted her about it. We made an arrangement to meet at her work to exchange. I did something naughty but I need to confirm something because I know the aftermath of breaking up with a BPD relationship can be bad. I emailed her stating can we confirm noon at her office for the exchange and I added a little trigger in: “PS: thanks for letting me go free, thank-you so much!” Not minute pasts when she called me at my office asking me about my new lady friend, fishing and fishing and fishing. I told her it has nothing to do with you and put the phone down. She emailed me after that but I just ignored. I drove to her office and this was the dialogue:

She saw me saying: You look very good today.
I said: Thanks!
We exchanged and I said: Bye!
She asked me: So, tell me please what is happening in your life now?
I said: No!

She dropped the smiling face and just walked off without saying a word. And I left.

My question, is this jealousy or did she realised she lost me completely? I think I made it clear I am not hanging around for her or care what she does with her life. If this is jealousy why did she tell me she does not love me anymore? I have a sneak suspicion she though she had me as a back door if all else falls apart. I also suspect she might try and crawl back but I can’t allow that. Am I done with her now and is it not the last I will hear from her?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Divorce from a BDP wife
PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:09 pm 
We don't know.

Just so you realize, the majority but not all of us here, have BPD, and come here to work on ourselves, solely.

We only really focus on our own issues here, because the only ones we can change, is ourselves. You are more than welcome to hang around and we'll discuss with you any of your own things going on, issues, etc. But we can't speak on her behalf or give you reasons for why.

All I can say, is - If you're done with the relationship, leave it be. Get your personal effects and be done. Don't play mind games. You'll find yourself in a never ending cycle, and it won't be something you can solely blame on her.

Also, how 'fine and practical' are you if you found yourself in a relationship in which you played the role of the knight in shining armor, an enabler, etc? I don't mean this as a dig. But simply something to consider, if your behaviors within the relationship and post, were as healthy as you thought.


Top
  
 
 Post subject: Re: Divorce from a BDP wife
PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 2:52 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:23 am
Posts: 26
jaykay007 wrote:
I hope I am at the right place:

I just divorce my wife of 3 years. I am highly suspected she has BPD. She shows all the symptoms and it’s been hell for me after the honeymoon phase.

Beside all the fights, suicide attempts, out bursts, running out the house, cutting of her arms, you name it, I sticked by her like glue. Always thought she just had issues from childhood and a lot of failed relationships as she told me so intensely, I became her knight in shining armour and was snared for life. 2 years down the line we became very distant; I suspected an affair and was spot on when I caught her in March. I suspect now that this affair was not the 1st and will not be the last. We’ve turned at the point of divorce with promises and honestly and all that bullsh*t but I could never trust her again; she did not even try to gain my trust again. Things were okay for 3 months after that incident, very good acting from her side. One day I picked some irregularities in her behaviour and asked her if there is something wrong. She told me this marriage is not working. 2 weeks later we agreed to send her son away to his grand parents and I kicked her out. I can’t live with someone after telling me this and giving them a roof over there head while looking for another place to stay. I found out she was messing with the same guy around again so I informed his wife and send her all the emails and txt I collected. She came down on her with vengeance; I must admit I was revengeful then and jealous because I still loved her. Tons of phone calls, explaining, saying sorry and all that later, she started blaming me one night of trying to ruin her live as I have ruined our marriage. She claims I do not make her happy; she does not love me like wife should love her husband, she wants to live and know there must be something better for her out there, and so on and forth. I just decided, why hanging on to just a separation agreement, why don’t I just divorce her and get it over with. As painful as it was for me I started the process and got the best freakin lawyer who can settle this thing the fastest and effective.

A month ago she found a flat, and moved in with another guy. This guy was obsessive about her sister not even 2 months prior to moving in with my ex. Since he could not get his hands on her he settled with my ex-wife. Currently they are sharing a flat, my ex-wife is 24 with two failed marriages and a 5 year old son, I am 33. This new dude is only 22 and setting up house for her, very nice for him but so dangerous. They are dead poor; the income between them is 5 times less than mine alone. So please imagine the life I gave her and her son. I financially cut her off; she has no where else to go except for this dude and his family. Her only friend abandoned her since no more freedom and money she used to have. Life must really suck for her and I don’t want to be in her shoes!

I am fine on the other hand. I am a very practical person. I was badly in love with her but I made my provision before marriage by pre-nup and never legally adopting her son either (thank goodness). Now I have a lady in my life but we are just friends at the moment since I told her I don’t want to rush into anything until I get my issues sorted. My ex-wife know we’ve have been seeing each other on a social basis since she moved out, she is my pillar I can lean on and talk about my problems. My lady friend knows everything about my relationship issues with my ex-wife, she knows my ex personally since a year ago and can truly evaluate everything we talk about. The last thing I want is a rebound relationship like what my ex-wife is having clearly now and I do not want to build a relationship with someone who is dear to me in the shadows of my ex.

Now, I know now BPD people have this fear of abandonment. My ex has been asking a lot of questions these last few weeks before the divorce about my relationship status and where it is going with the new girl. I told her on occasion she helped me revamped my house, buy new bedding, new clothes, I physically look better since she came into my life and so forth. Since we got divorced a week ago I just tell her it’s none of her business and ignore her emails bluntly. I know it drives her crazy if she gets no answer from me but hey, we are divorced and I don’t fish about her fling with the young man in her life although I know exactly what is happening. I think I proofed it well yesterday. I don’t really speak to her and avoid as much as I can. She took something from me that I needed when she moved out and I confronted her about it. We made an arrangement to meet at her work to exchange. I did something naughty but I need to confirm something because I know the aftermath of breaking up with a BPD relationship can be bad. I emailed her stating can we confirm noon at her office for the exchange and I added a little trigger in: “PS: thanks for letting me go free, thank-you so much!” Not minute pasts when she called me at my office asking me about my new lady friend, fishing and fishing and fishing. I told her it has nothing to do with you and put the phone down. She emailed me after that but I just ignored. I drove to her office and this was the dialogue:

She saw me saying: You look very good today.
I said: Thanks!
We exchanged and I said: Bye!
She asked me: So, tell me please what is happening in your life now?
I said: No!

She dropped the smiling face and just walked off without saying a word. And I left.

My question, is this jealousy or did she realised she lost me completely? I think I made it clear I am not hanging around for her or care what she does with her life. If this is jealousy why did she tell me she does not love me anymore? I have a sneak suspicion she though she had me as a back door if all else falls apart. I also suspect she might try and crawl back but I can’t allow that. Am I done with her now and is it not the last I will hear from her?


Her being a wounded bird and your being a king knight does not promise love to last.
This is a painful lesson but sometimes people just do fall in and then out of love.
So it was ok for her to try and kill herself overtimes as long as she did not cheat on you?
It was ok if you could not trust her not to end her own life as long as you could trust her to not cheat on you?
Maybe she has BPD, maybe she doesn't.
Your problem with her, however, is her being a cheater, not a case of BPD.
Which is 100% fine - now you know that if you want a reliable partner she also has to be mentally stable and capable of having a monogamic relationship

Now, think of the lesson you have learned, the suicidal attempts, the failed relationships... the writings were on the wall

You two are just no "made to be"

And as for your question - you were a knight in shiny armors for 3 years? don't expect her to get used to your changing so fast.
now it's time for you to take as good care of yourself as you took of her - and maybe it is all in your favor

{almost} all is for the best
be strong and maybe true love will come your way
keep it if it does ;o)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Divorce from a BDP wife
PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:34 am 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 679
Location: Australia
jaykay007 wrote:
My question, is this jealousy or did she realised she lost me completely? I think I made it clear I am not hanging around for her or care what she does with her life. If this is jealousy why did she tell me she does not love me anymore? I have a sneak suspicion she though she had me as a back door if all else falls apart. I also suspect she might try and crawl back but I can’t allow that. Am I done with her now and is it not the last I will hear from her?


As the others respondents said, we can't know what your ex feels or is thinking.

My general summary of your post and question is that you want some reassurance or indication that you're now free to continue with your life without your ex. Because we can't tell you what someone's actions will be, the place that you seem to be in is one of dealing with:

1. Not knowing what will happen
2. What to do if contact doesn't cease
3. Continuing with life regardless of her actions.

It can be hard to move on when the strain of someone with emotional issues has been such a big part of your life. Divorce is huge stuff. I think it's interesting that you've chosen to post in Totally Radical forum, which is about radical acceptance, because moving on takes acceptance. Because you don't know what will happen, there may have to be some radical acceptance there. Simply accepting that you've done what you can, life continues, and it isn't fair on yourself to let a past relationship hinder your current day thoughts, feelings and actions.

Do you think you can move into your new life now that you've divorced, without knowing how she feels about your status and what she may do?

Do you have a good plan if contact doesn't cease?

What do you want to do now, and what, if anything, from your marriage is hindering your ambitions?

_________________
~ Sarah


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group