BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hi there, i haven't posted in a while.

i've been really struggling lately and keep turning to this site. i figured i better try writing something and maybe i'll get a response that helps.

ultimately i'm held by my past. i can't seem to break free. my parents judgments, former school classmates rejection, memories of ex-boyfriends and ex-friends. old jobs i lost, therapy programs that failed, poor body image.

i try to recite the things i love in my life now: pets, partner, new tv, fall.
the shadow of haunting memories and disturbed thoughts and feelings prevail.

i really don't want to continue living. i keep saying i'd never do anything to hurt myself. that's not the point. the point is that i don't see or understand the value of remaining in this existence when i'm so fundamentally hurt and saddened by so much. the fact that people have lived in this suffering existence for so many years, the fact that so many people are struggling to make ends meet all over the world, the fact that i have the education to fight these battles, yet my BPD and depression/anxiety win the fight everyday... how do so many people live like nothing is upset?! everything is upset!!

i'm laid up inside my home unable to work, awaiting tests and procedures to fix my physical health. i'm stuck by this physical health situation. if i wasn't in so much pain and so sick, i could go exercise, go to work, get out and about. my last procedure/appointment is scheduled in early december. i must make it through the holidays and into the new year before i might be able to get up and running again in the real world. i imagine that when im healthy again i can strive for the work i've wanted to do. the haunting thoughts and memories and the disturbing knowledge i hold about so many things in life always succeeds in clouding over any optimism i work towards.

i'm losing this fight.

how can i move on? everyone else in my life has. ex boyfriends, ex friends, ex family... . with each additional person i meet and lose touch with, i'm rooted faster and stronger into the ground, unable to move at all. i'm broken, beat and bound to fear and sadness.

with my physical health so poor, my mental health worsening and my support system disappearing, i know i must be patient and not make radical decisions. i've felt "ok" in life a handful of times that are so fleeting. if i live for only a handful more of those moments among the persistent experiences of such pain and sadness the other times, i plead for someone to convince me why we choose to live? i suppose i'm at the point now where i need to be convinced to choose patience and life over starvation and death.

You know, I was thinking, and there is really nothing terrible about surrendering to situations and external circumstances sometimes. By surrender I do not mean "These things make me feel like shit, and I surrender to the fact that I will always feel like shit" - Creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy. But keep in mind you have NOT always felt like shit. When we're in a twisted, negative mindset, everything looks worse. Even the past looks worse. Our moments of happiness seem cheap, phony and unfulfilling - But at the time, they were no such thing. Depression puts a hefty, gray and cloudy filter over everything. It's a lot like an alternative to that little message on the sideview mirror: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear". When you're looking at these mirrors, your skewed perceptions make them appear far more detrimental than than they really are. The days, hours and minutes that you felt good, you were reflecting in another mirror. Whenever I feel down, after I've wallowed a good enough time(for me, anyway), I ask myself "Well...What are you going to do about it? Are you going to sit here and give into this old, miserable and painful way of thinking, or are you going to try something new and see what happens?"

Remember this, dear - You ARE laid up in the house right now. This is such a huge, huge part of the hopelessness you feel right now. What is that saying..."Idle hands are the devil's workshop" ? Something like that, I never get those things right. Time can be our enemy or our friend, your choice. So, you can't work or exercise - What can you do to fill your time? Do you enjoy painting, writing? Any types of crafts? What else does Snowshine find pleasure in? I would think about making a list of new self-soothing(and old) activities that you could try.

If you can't get the body moving, you must get the mind moving. Sitting stale for too long is dangerous, and is a breeding ground for negative thoughts and reinforcement.

Someone posted this link, and I have become partial to the BPD tool section(links on the right) - http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/the_bpd_tool.html Have a look, it's incredibly useful.

Thankyou for your reply. The mirror analogy was something I've never heard before and it helped put things in a different perspective, which is what I think I need.

Since I wrote the initial post, amazingly, I had three days without physical pain. It felt like for the first time in months I could breathe again. I took this time to refocus my thoughts and make goals for the future.

Everyday I needto make the active choice to make it to the next day. After some medical procedures this month and next month I hope my health will be better enough to get back to an active lifestyle.

I empathize deeply with your feelings. Esp these heavy clowds upon your heart and soul (and mind).

It is obvious that you know what you need to do to make things better for yourself - just... that I hope you shall have the inner strenght to break the circle of pain and keep on keeping on
So the next times you come by here your skills of life are well developed to the extent that it does flow for you (not gets stuck - as you currently describe yourself feeling).
This can happen for you I believe - maybe you don't feel it now, but that does not mean it will always be impossible to feel it
You do see it is happening for people around you - and instead of being fed with hope you are bleeding with fear (that this may never happen for you)
It's understandable - thought - that doesn't have to be (that fear, embracing you like an undear, unwelcomed, yet dangler-clinging friend)
Perhaps there is awareness in your head you can somehow find as means to alter (a diplomatic word for 'manipulate in your favor') your patterns of thoughts and emotions to somehow... work in your favor
I know it's hard


The rest - keeping your mind working, giving your body the rest it needs, trying to return to be more physically active when you can etc... hopefully this will come with time