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 Post subject: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:57 am 
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My X, a person with untreated BPD, uses the silent treatment and with holding as the main part of his repetoire.

I do see his "side", meaning he doesn't have a healthy coping mechanism to use, so that's what he falls back on.

Thing is, his push pull and blah blah blah- it's all so long and dramatic and ridiculous to type out- suffice it to say, the aspect of this behavior that is done to be punishing and controlling has affected me BADLY and deeply.

He's a repeat of my mother...much of my family actually.

I started out by being strong and appropriately confronting the behavior. That worked for a while in terms of things not escalating in the moment. It however didn't change him long term (I didn't really expect it to once I realized he is mentally ill and not just a jerk). Then things started to change in me.

I started walking on eggshells, becoming depressed, terribly anxiety ridden...

and I got worse....

after a lot of abuse I still stayed and took him back when he came beginning..and the abuse only got worse.

Then something REALLY changed.

I never know who is going to walk in the door. I never know if the conversation I am having with him is going to errupt in blame, wild accusations and threats, i can't trust him alone in my house because of snooping etc...

I never know if the conversation I am having with him is going to be the last one, even when things are going well. I never know if when I see him it is going to be the last time (he will ask me to marry him , then give the silent treatment for weeks)...

he demands I trust him...he doesn;t deserve ANY TRUST.

so, the big change in me is that now I feel a very strong urgency to call him and get very upsetwhen I don;t hear from him.

i know why it is- it's because he can cycle multiple times a day from "never ever leave me to standing me up for a date and then not answering his phone for several weeks.

i feel like this urgency is knowing the status of the relationship.

It's clear it is. I need him to tell me every minute what the status is.

I know it i normal to need to live in certain given securities, ie, When we are in a relationship, that it is a committed relationship and we are not going to be tossed out by surprise at any moment.

he did a good job gaining control over me with his behaviors.

I need to break it.

He is never going to be able to take responsibility.

I have to accept that.

I need radical acceptance right now that a relationship with him meant never having any security at all. He is a terminal abondoner.

I need radical acceptance right now to deal with my own anxiety.

i think I needed to vent a little too.

i think this post more like a beginning prayer to work through the much to get to the acceptance part.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I need energy from the universe to do this work. it's hard and I am too beaten down right now.

maybe if I just keep praying the radical acceptance prayer, it will help..

until then, I will accept that I need to rest to work hard when I am stronger.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:00 am 
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I need to do the work of accepting that I chose someone who would abondon me repeatedly and create, revive the anxieties I had long ago when in my disordered FOO.

I recreated this in my life and I have to radically accept that I am terrified to start over and that I have to start over anyway.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:27 am 
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hey surreal

hang in there girlfriend

many hugs to you

I'm sorry you sort of have to 'repeat' the recovery process once again, it must suck

but you can do it gal!

maybe what you need is a temporary break from him, a breather so you can breathe yourself


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:11 pm 
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hey girl,

Thanks for the encouragement!

You are right. I just need to get away from him.

I am on that path. I left him in December. I couldn't take the abuse and chaos any more. I am in his state, I have few resources period and less here. I am carless in a place which is impossible without a car- and there are other real, not imaginary reasons I can't leave yet. The info is too identifying and he could find me here, so i am not posting it.

I have about 6 weeks until that is all resolved...so I am biding my time.

In the mean time, I have to be around him for safety - odd as that sounds. He will stalk me and pursue me into mental madness if I don't have some kind of relationship with him. I am not planning on letting him know I am leaving.

so I do have a plan...

I am mentally more detached...and trying to work on detaching further...

need radical acceptance and to get away from him....

hugs to you meremortal.

hope you are hangin' in!


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 9:53 am 
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Posts: 568
This morning I will try not to focus on the chaos being brought into my life. I can choose to shut the door on it.

i can choose to say 'enough" - you have had 3 years to live up to your initiated request of therapy and help. You have crossed my boundary about it for 3 years. I am done. I am giving your suffering back to you."

i can choose to accept that I have a life outside of his pain and had a mighty good one before he showed up.

A much better life in fact.

I can choose to see that nothing I can do will help him anymore- I just continue to get hurt.

he deliberatly makes choices that hurt me and holds me responsible- he articulates this and sees nothing wrong with it.

This morning I will work on getting his stuff out of my head and into thinking about my own future and my own life, because i can choose how to respond and to react to madness. i can choose to chut the door on it.
\
I need to accept that it is time to close the door and maybe change my thinking that I have to put up with this for a few weeks.

he used his entire 4 weeks vacation time for the year within three months of getting it. He is already in the hole for time off again..he owes them hours...

This man doesn;t see how much help he needs and that he could have used the time off to get that help.

I need to accept that he doesn;t want the help at this point.

i need to focus on getting away from him. I need to accept that I need to get away now, not in a few weeks.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:09 am 
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surreal:
anytime :)

it does sound to me that you are having much better clarity now. sincerely hope you will work the 'getting away' from him :)

let us know when you're away and safe :)


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:20 am 
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thanks mm

I am looking for a new place as we speak and I am trying to make travel arrangements back home. I can;t go NOW, I still have to wait, but I am going with good speed in my heart. i want nothing more than to get away from him. No more conflicted feelings.


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 7:12 pm 
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Ok, I need radical acceptance big time right now.

I am trying to set myself up for success for tomorrow. I am really going to need it tomorrow. I am going to have to go out alone, to the doc (two big fear issues).

I told X this morning that if he contacted me again, I was going to get a restraining order.

I am doing kind of ok right now, but I know a crash might be possible....

he went totally disregulated on me again and I had to put my foot down.

So, I can ravdically accept that I may have to be afraid tomorrow to go out to the doc alone. I may have to accept that my x is seriously ill and is a danger to me at this point.

I have to accept that I will have to wait at least a week to go back home.

I have to accept that i will have to do a few things this week which might feel hard to me.

sigh.

I CAN DO IT!


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 12:09 am 
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yes you can do it!

you do sound like you have a real lot of clarity, so i think that's a good thing :)


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 Post subject: Re: Radical acceptance for x's behaviors and my REACTIONS
PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:57 am 
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thanks MM!

OK, Bad night last night...waking up constantly...the lack of sleep I have been dealing with for months is taking it's toll. The stress is taking it's toll.

I can;t stop ruminating in anger. Going over his crazy making in my head to sort out the delusions, the distortions...

I need to radically acccept that this is over. He is sick and That he did in fact strand me here.

I need to radically accept that I have to move on without him.

I need to radically accept that I might not be able to sleep normally for a bit more...

I am pooped.

I need to accept that he is destroying my peace inside by stalking, threatening, throwing things back in my face and expressing scary ownership ideas of me, objectifying me.


And it's ok. he can do as he likes. It's not necessarily going to change my life unless I let it.
I need peace inside.


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