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 Post subject: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:51 am 
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I recently came across this BPD site, not even realizing that this is what I've struggled with all my life. My therapist told me that I had "object constancy" issues, so I researched some of that which led me to this site. I would say that I can relate mostly to the BPD- the 4th type , the one they call "inward." Im highly functional, but I clearly see that I can relate to every 10 parts of the Twisted Thinking!! I just thought that this was normal thinking, until I learned that it is really Borderline Thinking!! For goodness sake, I've been given every diagnosis from GAD, ADD, Dysthymia, Depression..what in the world ...i have BPD!! I hate that name given for this..it makes me feel like a freak. But, I can relate more to this type of "disorder" for a lack of a better word, than any of the other "labels" Ive been given. So, perhaps acceptance is the first part, I guess. I am at a crossroads at this point..I don't know if the traditional therapy is going to work. I've orderd the Putting the Pieces Together Book...Is that the best place to start? Do I look for a therapist who specializes in BPD? I feel so completely alone in this...to the on-looker I appear to be the envy of all..great family, kids, husband, accomplishments...little do people know that I am such a great "performer". I feel like I've won many academy awards for all of my performances...once I've completed whatever it was, I don't have the "feelings" to carry it with me..it is as if I'm intelectually aware of whatever I did, but I feel lonely and empty when I'm done with whatever it was..as if I really never did it..like it wasn't real! I have felt like a phoney most of my life, and I think that finally after reading through this web site on BPD REcover, I finally understand!! UGHHH....so, so hard..so shameful and so embarrassed for anybody to know this.


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 Post subject: Re: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:35 pm 
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Hi Cynthia, and welcome -

First off, twisted thinking is NOT unique to BPD. People who are depressed, people who are manic, and many times generally healthy people who are going through a rough spot can easily slip into twisted thinking. The list of the 10 forms comes from a book called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns (Penguin, 1999), which was not directed specifically at people with personality disorders.

Secondly, don't get hung up on labels. Personally I think it's a good idea to get a thorough evaluation by a competent psychiatrist that can give you a proper diagnosis, just so you know what it is you're dealing with, but there are plenty of people who have just worked with their therapists on their specific issues without worrying about whether those symptoms lined up with an identifiable "diagnosis." Another reason to see a psychiatrist is if you feel you are suffering from significant depression or anxiety, since you may be able to be prescribed medication that would help, but since you feel you are generally functioning very well (at least outwardly), you may not think that's something you want to pursue.

If the therapist you are seeing now is someone you trust and have a working relationship with, maybe it would be worth discussing with him/her what you have learned about BPD so far, and ask whether he thinks it applies to you and whether he can help you with the issues that you identify as the most troubling.

Don't feel like a freak -- you're not one. Popular thinking is that we're all monsters, but you know that you're not, and I can tell you that after years of hanging around this board, there are plenty of people just like you -- high-functioning, outwardly fine, but inwardly troubled. You seem to be motivated to figure out what your problems are and to tackle them, and that's the first step no matter what the official diagnosis is.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:35 am 
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Thnx for your response. I do not meet all of the DSM IV criteria to be labeld BPD, however my therapist says I greatly struggle with "object constancy," and abandonment issues. I have been on anti-anxiety meds and depressions meds for 10 years now. Coming across this web-site and starting to read, "Putting The Pieces Together," have made more sense to me than anything I've read before. This Borderline thinking has just become my way of thinking...to me it seems normal, until I read that it is not normal. I just returned from an intense study course that took me away from my family for 7 weeks out of state, I am pursuing a new career in something that me and my therapist thought would be good for me. Now that I've returned home, my husband got orders that he is deploying to Iraq! I did that already in 2003 and that was supposed to be the end of it! I never expected this, it has thrown my world into a tailspin. It was hard enough trying to regulate my emotions when I was away training, then returning home to this news! I don't want my husband to come near me! I don't know if I will make it through this time..but I have to be strong for my 3 kids..I just don't know if I can stay strong any longer..i've been strong for 40+ years...I feel like I am out of strength. Exhausted mentally and physically. I am really hating my life right now, but to the onlooker they'd have no idea as I've become a master at making the outside look so perfect!!


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 Post subject: Re: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:10 am 
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Hi Cynthia. : )

I definitely relate to the actress thing. Probably anyone with bpd can to some extent. A friend who knew me well said I could win an academy award for how I keep my inner world under wraps. After many years of trying for this award, I'm losing interest in it and things have recently gotten a little messy as I let my previously hidden inner world out into public. It's gotten ugly a few times, but I think I might be learning that I can tolerate what people think of me (and what I think of me) if the real me is known.

We don't want to have every part of our life be an "act", but I think there is some positive aspect of having this skill. "Fake it till you make it" is an actual tool used in mental health circles like alcoholics anonymous and other groups, ya know? Sometimes when my inner world is enraged and full of temper, just acting as though it isn't that way, acting cordially, pleasantly, gratefully, etc. will bring me out of temper and make me see that the things i was acting are actually a good idea and they feel good and right and then I realize that Im not angry or bitter.

You mentioned twisted thinking...What about using the "untwist your thinking" tool to untwist some of your thoughts right now about things you mentioned like your life (you say it's awful, but is it totally completely 100% awful? or are there aspects that are going OK/well?), your husband and your relationship, how you can handle his deployment, etc.


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 Post subject: Re: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:44 pm 
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I don't particularly care for the label of BPD either. I would like it better if they called it emotional disregulation or something that fits better. I only recently discovered what black and white thinking is and that I do it a lot. Just knowing that has really helped me out. When I start doing it I can stop myself and attempt to look at the shades of gray instead of idealizing and then devaluing. I really look forward to the day when this cycle stops or at least slows down significantly.


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 Post subject: Re: Twisted Thinking! Where do I start??
PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:52 pm 
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Cynthia
So you are an extremely highly functioning bp :) Good in the sense that you are not depressed, etc etc.

I'm an actress too. At work I appear fine and all, but on the inside I'm suffering pain like s***.

You mention that you don't want your husband to be near you. Could it be the opposite of what you really want (i.e.: you want him?)

You'll survive, Cynthia, you will.


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