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 Post subject: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:38 pm 
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Right now I am in a no contact phase with my parents. I do not know if I will ever resume contact. So many times I want to call my Mom and tell her about the good things that are happening in my life but I can't. To do so would be like going to a dry well for water. She is unable to appreciate and respond in a healthy way to any of my success. I feel like a Motherless child.

Is anyone else in a no contact phase? How are you dealing with it?


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:09 pm 
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hey just curious, what started the no contact phase with your parents?


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:45 pm 
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This is not the first time I have gone no contact but what set me off this time was that I was having a private conversation with my youngest brother via Skype about a new friend that he had made. I was encouraging him to form healthy bonds with people and my Mother interrupted our talk and started screaming all sort of epithets about this girl that she had never even met. When I told my Mother to stop this behavior and dared to question why she would speak in such a vile manner about someone she didn't even know she turned on me and started name calling me. I said goodbye and then composed an e mail to her telling her not to contact me. There are so many reasons for me to not talk to either of my parents right now. My Dad is NPD and my Mother is BPD (the hermit type). I read a book on Borderline Mothers and I saw my whole family history in there. Both Grandmothers, my Mother, and myself. The dysfunction will stop with me. I will not pass this crazy making on.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 4:23 pm 
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ReneePA wrote:
Right now I am in a no contact phase with my parents. I do not know if I will ever resume contact. So many times I want to call my Mom and tell her about the good things that are happening in my life but I can't. To do so would be like going to a dry well for water. She is unable to appreciate and respond in a healthy way to any of my success. I feel like a Motherless child.

Is anyone else in a no contact phase? How are you dealing with it?


HI Renee PA,

Nice to "meet" you. I've had one lengthy (five year) no contact phase with my mom. We did connect after that but not too much later I began distancing again. Very recently I have reconnected wtih my mother in a much healthier way. I don't consider myself someone with a lot of wisdom yet, because I think what I did in the no-contact phase is really just the same as what I'm trying to do now. Which is to heal myself, become my own parent I guess. I'm finding it incredibly hard.

When i had to go no contact with her, I had no ego strength to handle what I perceived as threats and invalidations. My mom was perhaps the opposite of yours. She is always glad to hear positive things (although you still never really feel "heard" when you talk about them with her), but I could never come to her with difficulties, pain, or negative things. What I recently learned is that through all my forty two years, the reason she could never handle the negative things is because she is scared of them. It had nothing to do with me. But in the mean time, I developed a huge wound over it. I guess what I did to cope was I sought therapy. Years of it. Counselors were surrogate moms (in a limited sense). Recently I've been ill and for a number of years now, my caregivers have sometimes been a type of surrogate mom. I am getting realllllly tired of having mommies and reallllllllllllllllllly want to be my own mom!!!! Right now it is suuuuuch a struggle to find that mom in me.

I am kinda curious what happens when you share positive things with your mom? How does she respond to it?

Im sorry you have to distance from your mom right now. It sucks to not have that relationship. : (

I hope you find some support that can help you through this time.

-Liz


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:20 pm 
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I have been actively trying the best that I can to parent myself and it's tough but it's better than the kind of parenting that I would get from either my Mom or my Dad. They both respond to positive things in my life by either envy or complaining about their own lives and how miserable they are. They are truly incapable of being happy for me or proud of me.

Every time that I have gone no contact in the past I have been a lot more stable as a result. The thing that has always sucked me back in was a sense of duty to be a good daughter and be there for them and guilt over not being there. Well, I do not need to be there to be someone's emotional garbage dump because that is what I have always been used for. I can no longer tolerate the lack of respect and the lack of the kind of love and support that I need from them. I do understand that my Mother has major issues with fear but that does not excuse her behavior. I have accepted the very real possibility that no contact with both parents may be permanent. I care too much about the quality of my life to have toxic relationships drag me down into an abyss of depression.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:35 am 
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ReneePA wrote:
I have been actively trying the best that I can to parent myself and it's tough but it's better than the kind of parenting that I would get from either my Mom or my Dad. They both respond to positive things in my life by either envy or complaining about their own lives and how miserable they are. They are truly incapable of being happy for me or proud of me.

That sounds completely awful. : (

Every time that I have gone no contact in the past I have been a lot more stable as a result I felt the same.The thing that has always sucked me back in was a sense of duty to be a good daughter and be there for them and guilt over not being there. That sounds completely awful too. Well, I do not need to be there to be someone's emotional garbage dump because that is what I have always been used for. I can no longer tolerate the lack of respect and the lack of the kind of love and support that I need from them. I do understand that my Mother has major issues with fear but that does not excuse her behavior. No it doesn't. I have accepted the very real possibility that no contact with both parents may be permanent. I care too much about the quality of my life to have toxic relationships drag me down into an abyss of depression.


You certainly deserve to live your life for you, not for them. I hope you can find some support and peace.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 9:12 pm 
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I have experienced moments of profound peace so I know that it is possible. Participating in discussions here is really great. I know that I am going to like it here. The whole thing is a multi-layered process.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 8:49 am 
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hey renee
Just wanted you to know that i'm still listening.

Don't really know how to respond but i'm listening.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:38 pm 
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Thank you for being here.


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 Post subject: Re: Motherless Child
PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:52 am 
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I am not currently in a no contact phase, but I agree, my quality of life goes up dramatically when I am in a no contact phase with my mother. I lover her to pieces, mind you, but I get the same from mine, that you get from yours. I feel like an emotional garbage dump, and all she does is complain. Or gossip, or ruminate about how f*cked up her life is. Yes, she says that, and she is in her 60's! I try desperately to keep her at a distance, taking her phone calls few and far between, and it helps. But inevitably, when she begins to feel 'ignored' she will have a crisis and I then become her emotional punching bag, as well. She is BPD, but I am not here for her. I have my own diagnosis of BPD, and that is why I am here.
Best of luck to us all, eh?


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