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 Post subject: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 4:16 pm 
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I have been reading her books and as sad as it is to realize how much abuse really happens in the world and how much denial there is about it at the same time it is a relief to feel validated. All of the feelings that I was labeling crazy are actually completely justified. It is really hard to just sit with them. I would like to go completely drug free and feel my pain on one hand but on the other hand I am terrified to get off of my anti anxiety meds and my pain meds. I feel like the raw intensity of my feeling will be too much for me and that it will be too much for anyone else who is supportive of me. I struggle so much with feeling like a burden.

Has anyone else on here read any Alice Miller? If so, what did you think?


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:59 pm 
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I haven't read Alice Miller's books, but I wanted to acknowledge your post.

The fact that feelings are justified doesn't necessarily mean they should be embraced. Consider them, sit with them, work to understand them, but don't assume that they are permanent or will never change. It took me a long time to work this out for myself, as I struggled with feelings about the parenting I received. Everything seemed to make sense to me when I perceived that one of the things I had missed most was a sense of being validated, about most anything, positive or negative. I was seriously angry with my parents for failing me so often, and I would not let go of that anger. But as I worked with my therapist, and slowly improved from the depression that had left me pretty much totally non-functional, I eventually began to see my parents in a slightly different light.

It's not that they didn't seriously let me down and mess with my head, because they did. But they were both products of dysfunctional family relationships themselves -- in other words, their parents had failed them for one reason or another, and maybe their parents' parents had also been flawed, and it just keeps getting handed down the line.

In my mother's case, she was born days after the stock market crash in 1929, her family suffered serious financial reversals, and then her father became ill with cancer and died when she was a teenager. Her mother had to go to work, and she was sent off to a boarding school, while her two siblings stayed home. Then her mother remarried, and she was uprooted from her hometown and friends and moved hundreds of miles away. It's not that anyone intended to disregard her feelings, but there were higher priorities, and she just learned to stuff what she was feeling, and never developed the ability to relate to other people's feelings at all.

My father was also from a family which didn't talk about feelings. He was the last child, and when he was young he overheard a conversation his mother was having with a relative in which she said that he had been an unplanned baby and it would have been easier if he'd never been born. But there was nobody, anywhere, that he could talk to about how devastating this information was to him, and so he grew up with warped feelings as well.

I knew these things, but still had spent years being angry with them for letting me down. It was only with my therapist's assistance that I started to look at them from a slightly different perspective, and acknowledge to myself that maybe they'd been doing the best they could, flawed as it was. It's not that I blew off my feelings that I could never get validated -- that still happened, and it messed me up -- but I was less angry, less interested in blame, more willing to forgive. It didn't necessarily make me want to spend more time with them, and our relationships were emotionally fraught for me right up until their deaths, but I slowly became less centered on my anger and was able to have some compassion for them as well as for me.

I realize that my situation probably has very little to do with yours. There are things that parents do to children that are inexcusable for any reason -- severe physical and sexual abuse -- and while I was neglected in a number of ways I was never really abused. Perhaps you were, and think I'm off my rocker for saying that I think you should have an open mind about your parents and that I hope you will consider re-evaluating how you feel about them as you work towards wellness for yourself. But if your parents (and grandparents) are personality-disordered rather than truly sociopathic or psychopathic, then they are/were sick and not evil. They might have little interest in looking at their part in your own distress (mine weren't) or getting well, and that can be infuriating, but again, their lousy parenting skills might not be entirely their fault.

I would not recommend quitting whatever medications you are on without medical supervision -- they should be tapered slowly -- and I think you should definitely be working with a therapist as you explore your relationship with your parents and all your feelings, with or without the drugs. Jumping into serious contemplation of deeply held and powerful negative and/or scary feelings on your own could be a recipe for disaster for you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:39 pm 
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I hear you and I understand where you are coming from.


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:47 pm 
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Alice Miller has been the key for me. And it is the saddest thing, that nobody wants to take this concept onboard. Nowadays, child abuse is almost universally reckognized, "accepted" is the word, but nowhere is there Outrage, Indignation and Condemnation of it. The victim gets zero validation in real life or in therapy. But you have seen the light, you have been touched by the truth, and thigs will never be the same for you. Do not be afraid that your body will let you down. It is your best ally, it holds all the answers, all the keys, and if it has been able to survive through so much pain and injustice, be very clear and sure that it will get you well too. Don't rush but keep yourself immersed in all-things Alice Miller. If you haven't read all the books, do so now. Spend lots of time on the website. Do little Google-Searches on the site itself, for words and themes that concern you particularly. Your parents own history is no excuse - no excuse at all - for having failed you. It was their job to sort themselves out before bestowing on you the gift of life (oh yes?). You will have been warned already about the lethal tools of control called Forgiveness, of "honouring your father and your mother" (really?). Altruism and compassion begins here and at home, not in Calcutta or by fasting or sleeping rough "for the homeless". I don't know where you are Renee, but here in Ireland, the people have lost completely that sense of outrage and indignation: consequently, we have the worst record of Abuse in the world, and the biggest financial fiasco in the world too. Yet all the culprits are still running free; the bankers laughing at us; and the people still flocking to the churches. The Catholic Church is 100% responsible for this state of affairs. So be afraid, be weary, but trust your body all the way. When you start reducing your meds, of course the "feelings" will start coming up. Expect them, be ready for them and welcome them with open arms. Well done for writing here. You will be fine.


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 4:45 pm 
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These links may be of interest to you:

http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail ... 1&grp=0907

http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail ... 4&grp=0807

=========================================================

and next, if you do not allow yourself being led astray by the comments on Genes and Chemical Imbalances. Why is the "writer" no asking: "What could possibly have CAUSED the chemical imbalances....?"

http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail ... 2&grp=0706


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 4:06 pm 
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I have read about 4 of her books so far. The feelings are intense and multi layered. I am focused on honoring my inner child's feelings. That is priority one. As far as forgiveness goes I do not know what will happen. It is certainly not something that can be forced. Also people have different ideas of what forgiveness means. To me it means letting go of emotional poison and ceasing to harbor ill will. It does not mean allowing toxic people back into my life. For the moment there is a lot of emotional poison to deal with.


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 8:59 pm 
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I think that many people (including myself) experience a deep emotional connection or hear a primal calling or realize a life-changing concept through some of the recovery books out there. I'm glad you, Renee, seem to have found yours.

The only caution I might offer is to be aware that you don't necessarily allow this connection (or whatever it is to you) consume you. There are more facets to who you are, to who your Genuine Self is, than one single book or one single author's experiences can illuminate. Be open to a multitude of possibilities and facets of yourself during this process. You deserve it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2011 9:43 am 
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Absolutely. I have read many books. God always brings the right one to me at the right time. Right now I am revisiting the work of Dr. David Hawkins. www.veritaspub.com Dr. Hawkins was/is crucial in restoring my faith in God and putting me on a path toward enlightenment.


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 Post subject: Re: The Work Of Alice Miller
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2011 5:20 pm 
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A little reading for the month of May:

http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail ... 1&grp=0907

http://www.alice-miller.com/search.php? ... search#554


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