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 Post subject: rough day - attempting radical acceptance
PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 9:52 pm 
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I WILL NOT FAIL. Emotions are intense right now. I am stressed, frustrated and scared I’m going to fail. But, I probably won’t. I usually don’t. Yes, I’m having problems with the seminar paper but I am trying. And once again, it is that same fear that even though I’m trying, what if it isn’t good enough? I want to cut so badly. But I don’t want to, because it’s been almost a year. I’ve never made it an entire year without cutting. I’m afraid I’m going to run out of time. Stubbornness can only get you so far. I might run out of time to do the paper. Especially with all of the teaching responsibilities. And what pisses me off, is that I still don’t even have half of an idea of what I want the paper to be about. The concept of the assignment is really friggin hard.
Okay, I’m stressed and scared. And, that’s okay. Let’s say I do fail the paper. I have this feeling that if I fail, I’m worth nothing. And, I need to challenge that thought. I am challenging that thought. I need to take a step back. This is bpd – the intense emotions, the loss of perspective. I am might be visiting bpdland right now. And M would say that even that is okay
You know what would be interesting? Analyzing my own journal entries … God knows I have over a decade of them. Obviously, that isn’t getting done in a week and a half. But, at least that I could analyze.
Maybe I just need to readjust for a moment. Both logistically and emotionally. Chris 2.0 is supposed to come visit next Sunday, and I’ve been feeling guilty because the paper might not be done. And I may have to tell him to go away. Because graduate school is the priority.
Perspective – things aren’t usually as bad as I feel they are. If I fail the paper, I will feel really bad, but it won’t be the end of the world. I will have to deal with feelings of failure and disappointment, but I can do that if I need to.
From rehab and homeless to graduate school is still damn good.
Yes, there is pressure. But, I don’t want to focus on the pressure, I want to focus on the meaning in the journey.
I don’t have to be the smartest. I don’t have to be the best. It’s okay to just allow myself to be me.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: rough day - attempting radical acceptance
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 4:07 pm 
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You posted on Saturday and it's now Tuesday. How did the paper go (or do you even know yet?)

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 Post subject: Re: rough day - attempting radical acceptance
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 9:26 pm 
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Speedbump. It might slow you down, but it can't totally stop you. Keep moving forward. It doesn't have to be perfect. I know that's easy to say and not so easy to do -- if I were in your shoes, I'd be obsessing about failing the paper as well -- but I think we're both slowly making progress when it comes to giving ourself permission to be less than 100% perfect.

You rock, girl.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: rough day - attempting radical acceptance
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 5:48 am 
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Thanks for the responses, guys.

So, yes, it was a mini meltdown. But, that meltdown caused me to realize that either way I still have to turn the paper in (It's due in 7 days) but I have exceeded my anxiety cap. So, I choose not to be stressed about it anymore. lol. Of course that is easier said than done. But, the reality is I am really trying, and the reality is I will turn in 12-15 pages like I'm supposed to, and whatever I get on it is the way it goes, and that's okay. So, why should I stress about it in the meantime? It's counterproductive.

On a side note: the paper is utilizing a disability studies perspective to rhetorically analyze Julia Cameron's book, "The Artist's Way," which is a spiritual self-help book for writers. And disability studies takes the perspective that disability is a socially constructed concept. They say that what is disabling isn't the impairment (be it physical, mental, emotional, etc.), but the stereotypes and categorization society places one someone who society considers outside of the norm.

I can't even tell you how mind-blowing I found this when I first read it. I'm not crazy, or defective, or inferior because I've been diagnosed with a mental illness, according to disability studies. I'm just different and again, according to DS, it is society's perspective which needs to change, rather than me trying to deny who I am and pass for "normal."

Blows my mind ...

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: rough day - attempting radical acceptance
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 7:29 am 
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Good for you to choose to do what is self soothing rather than to continue on the same path. It is really amazing what happens when you consciously choose differently.


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