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Here I sit totally disgusted with my father and his misogyny. It is very sad how much he has affected me and my brother with his NPD. My brother told me a story about my father today that made my blood run cold. He shared an anecdote with my brother about a stripper who was beat up that he then demanded sexual favors from when my brother was 10. It does not even matter whether it was true. You do not say shit like that to a 10 year old boy or to anyone for that matter, excepting a priest or your therapist. The other day I was really missing being daddy's little girl. I was thinking about my idealization of my father and how it has caused me so much suffering. I have had a therapist tell me that she suspected that my father sexually abused me. I stopped seeing her after that. He definitely treated me as a surrogate spouse emotionally and was effusive and overly demonstrative in his affection for me... more like a lover than a father. I do not remember much physical contact beyond cuddling. I think that if I did remember that I might try and take care of both him and my mother. Maybe it is best that I do not remember if something happened. I would end up spending the rest of my life behind bars. I cannot tell this to my husband. He will freak out about my brother telling me. My husband cannot deal with my family issues in regards to emotionally supporting me. I am relying on spilling my guts here, praying, and waiting for my next coaching session.

I believe, very fundamentally, in the Existential Paradox from Dr. Joseph Santoro:


For what it's worth, I too spent many, many years and far too much money in the office of various therapists griping about my childhood and the things I found reprehensible. I blamed my mother for a LOT of my problems. My last therapist just looked at me after one bitchfest rant, tilted her head and asked me "But you're an adult now, you're not that kid anymore so why are you letting her control your life?"

I ask the same of you.

I do not want to let them control my life. I get the whole tough love thing and I appreciate what you are saying. I feel how I feel about it and it confirmed for me that no contact is definitely the right thing to do. I do not believe that I am allowing my parents to control my life at this point. As a human being with feelings a person is going to react to hearing something like that. I am glad that I was told about it regardless of the fact that it was triggering. It helped me to be very firm in my resolve to not engage them at all.

I do not know if you are familiar with inner child work. There are parts of me that react very strongly to triggers. In my opinion tough love is not appropriate for those parts. Luckily the adult part of me is busy reparenting the wounded child parts.