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 Post subject: Perfectionsim
PostPosted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
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Boy am I struggling today. The critical perfectionist voice in my head is freaking out along with a part of me that is a screaming narcissistic baby... Good Lord! I am super irritable. I don't want anyone to come near me or even to look at me. I feel like I want to claw myself out of my own skin. This all got triggered by not being able to find the cat before I went to work. My husband has been spacey about watching the door in the past and the cat slips out if he gets a chance. It is actually his cat. So why am I so damned mad that he let it get out? I can think of a lot of reasons but they don't really matter. The bottom line is that none of that is my responsibility and I am making myself crazy by taking it on. The resentment is piling up. So is the sense of entitlement. Not a good place to be.

The reasonable rational part of me knows that I need to cut myself some slack and just let this go. I need to accept my humanity, to accept that circumstances are not something that I can control. Hell, I barely feel like I can control my reactions to the circumstances! I need to do some sort of self care and be kind to myself but the only thing I can think of doing that might help is to go to a meeting. So I plan on doing that. Just needed to talk about this in a place where others understand what it is like to feel absolutely crazy inside.

Does anyone else on here get bouts of perfectionism followed by extreme irritability?


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 Post subject: Re: Perfectionsim
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 9:11 am 
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Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 8:40 am
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Location: Scandinavia
Renee -

oh, you are certainly not alone. This is the course of my life - I seek perfection, to do perfect and to be perfect and whenever that doesn't happen (all the time, obviously) I freak out. My disappointment in myself is translated into extreme irritability and it could be directed onto ANYTHING or ANYONE. A busdriver, the weather, an innocent bystander or, mostly in my case - those who stand me the closest, like my husband and my mother. If someone put a camera up in my home they would probably think I hated everyone and everything. It used to be extreme anger, but now, more irritation. I have learned to catch up on when it happens, and I can therefore "warn" those around me that my behaviour is not caused by them - but the feelings are still there. The irritated feelings that is.

I used to find (and sometimes still do) the weirdest reasons to be irritated, like a late bus, not finding a sock, the neighbors playing loud music, my husband asking me what shirt to wear etc etc. Only, I discovered - these irritation feelings where about ME. Not some bus, sock or music.

The late bus - was really me feeling imperfect because I should have been smart and taken an earlier one.
The sock - was really just me feeling imperfect and ugly and in search of any reason to skip whatever event I had ahead of me.
The neighbors music - was really just me feeling imperfect because I hadn't been invited to the party (the reason to the loud music)
My husband asking for advice - was really just me feeling imperfect because I am afraid of giving the wrong opinion. It puts pressure on me.

I think maybe, not for sure, but maybe the cat isn't the main issue. Did anything else happen this day that could have started up these feelings?

Either way - I have discovered that some soul searching goes a long way. Learn to know who you are and how you react to certain scenarios, and what the consequences usually are. That way, even if you can't stop it from happening you can remove yourself from the situation before it goes to far, you can warn those around you, or ask for help into being more reasonable. I hope this might help for you.

Anika


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 Post subject: Re: Perfectionsim
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:20 pm 
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Isn't it always about us? It is a relief in a way because taking that responsibility gives us hope for change. If it is just too much I let go and let God and that also works great. Going to 12 step meetings also helps me a lot. Being in an environment of acceptance works wonders. Knowing that I am lovable just as I am and that I am a work in progress is also really helpful. Thanks for sharing your experience.


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