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 Post subject: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 12:08 am 
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The Scenario
Wow, I am really sad right now. I got the email from Banks telling me that they can’t give me the reading tutor job because of the DUI. Anything on the background check that comes back within 10 years is a disqualifier. That was my best option for a job this semester. And now I have to start all over again with trying to find a job, while going to graduate school and while teaching a new class. And the overwhelming thought is this fear: am I working this hard in graduate school just to go into an industry that won’t hire me because of a stupid mistake I made last year? Do I really have to wait 10 years before they’ll hire me? I am so mad at myself right now. I am so disheartened right now, and I just keep crying.
I have an advising session with the grad school advisor on Thursday and I was planning on inquiring about what I can do with the masters degree once I’m done with it. I don’t know whether to disclose the DUI situation or not to her. I don’t want to because I’m ashamed and I hate to bias her opinion towards me, especially when I use her as a reference and for letters of recommendation. And at the same time, I need to know how/if the DUI bars me from teaching.
I told the hiring person for the reading tutor right away, because they make you go through 30 hours of unpaid training before hiring you. So, I disclosed because time is a commodity right now and if they weren’t going to hire me because of the DUI then I needed to know that before I invested my time.

The Tools
Yes, I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the job. And yes I am disappointed in myself right now. But, I don’t have to hate myself because of this. I don’t have to think that once again I self-destructed. That’s what I think of course but I know my gut reaction is to have unhealthy perceptions about myself. Yes, realistically, the DUI might be an obstacle, but I don’t necessarily know all the facts. Just because one job turned me down because of the DUI doesn’t necessarily mean all jobs in the teaching industry will.
I don’t know if I should tell my academic advisor or not. I really don’t want to, but I’m not sure how to get the information I need. And depending on the information, I may need to adjust my career plans. I don’t know what to do, but I do know that it was the first day back at school/teaching and I am really tired right now. So now, probably isn’t the best time to attack this problem.
I feel really vulnerable and sad right now and even though I know it is okay and even necessary to feel those emotions, I hate feeling them.
So, I need self care right now.
Grateful list – it was a beautiful sunny day, I had a blast teaching and love my new class, I laughed with graduate school friends today, I get to take the British Romantic Lit class I was hoping to take, I biked to and from school, which was good exercise and also enjoyable
Radical acceptance is accepting the moment, even when you don’t like the moment. “radical acceptance means acknowledging the way things are is the way they are. You don't have to like it, but you're not in denial about it. It means not running from any part of the experience. You open to it, bringing awareness to your pain or whatever is in front of you.”
I don’t like this moment at all. I don’t like how I feel. But I accept that it is what it is. The DUI situation is what it is. How I feel in this moment is what it is. Instead of running from the experience, I invite the emotions “in for tea”
I still struggle with this concept. I still wish I didn’t have to feel the way I feel right now.

Thanks for listening ...

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:48 pm 
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pip5,

IMHO, one of the first things you need to do is decide if you have a drinking problem. Getting a DUI is a very serious matter. Is this the first time you've gotten one? I don't want to lecture you, but you really are very lucky you didn't kill yourself or someone else. Perhaps this is a wake up call; you've been given a second chance.
I used to drive intoxicated quite often, and I had many close calls. I finally decided I needed to stop drinking because I was eventually going to do something that would send me to prison or kill me. Sounds like you have a lot of pressure in your life right now, and I know from experience that it's easy to let your guard down and "treat" yourself a bit. You have a wonderful future ahead.....please take care of it.

Be good to yourself.

Dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 12:11 am 
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Sorry, I'm not from America, I'm from Asia, what's a DUI?


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:30 am 
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DUI stands for "driving under the influence"


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 4:43 am 
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Wow. I was actually hoping for some emotional support at that juncture. lol. My substance issues go back aways, but in this particular situation, that really isn't the point. The point is -- the damage is already done. So how do I take effective, baby steps from this point forward? How do I cope with the reality that is NOW. That is the point.

I've been coming here for over ten years now ... and I think this may be the first time where I really didn't feel comfortable just venting,just thinking, just letting it all come out. Rather than helpful when I was reaching out, it was hurtful. And I am disappointed in that.

We all have to process .... and at the end of the day, it is about baby steps.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:53 am 
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You move forward by moving forward.
That sounds simple, and it is but it isn't. I think you did a good job with the Gratitude list, and your analysis of Accepting looked very good. And now you do the legwork. You do the next thing in front of you. You still have classes to attend and life to be lived. It's a blow to be turned down for the tutoring job. So move on to the next thing.

Perhaps something else to work toward accepting is that the DUI may have consequences beyond just the legal side of things. I don't know what every potential employer is going to think when they see that on your record. Some may turn you down because of it. I'm also sure some won't pay it much mind at all. I don't think it completely negates everything you've studied for up to this point. I know people with DUI's (and worse) who work as doctors and nurses and teachers and even cops. Any mark on your criminal record will get the attention of some people. That's just a consequence of an action. It doesn't have to undermine your entire self-worth.

Another thing to look at over time is the acceptance that you chose the course of action that led to the DUI. You took actions that led to the outcome. That may sound hard, but it's the truth, and the sooner we come to grips with the truth, the less power it has over us. I used to drink. A Lot. And I got A Lot of negative consequences from that behavior. Before I understood that I chose that path, I was miserable because all these bad things "just happened" to me and that I had "terrible luck". I understand now that most of those bad experiences were a result of my own choices and behaviors. When I don't practice those behaviors and choices, those bad things quit happening. As I understand the part I play in my own life, I can now choose to act in more positive, helpful, healthy ways.

But I could not make that choice until I understood that the choice was my responsibility.

You say that you feel uncomfortable about the replies you got and that you didn't feel comfortable just venting. Were you just venting?

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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 5:29 am 
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Minx - thank you. Yes, I am accountable. And I know that all too well. And, I am still in the midst of the journey ...which is my life.

Yes, they are my choices. And yes, over the years those choices have defeated me at times, and also made me stronger. We all struggle. And yet there is still value in the journey. It makes me who I am. It makes all of us, who we are, I think.

And yes, at the time, I really was just venting. I felt so alone. I know that I am not. But, when I am at my most vulnerable .. I come here.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 8:11 am 
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bpdpip,

I am sorry that my response created any angst for you. I really didn't intend to upset you further, but I found it difficult to understand your attitude. I didn't understand that you were merely venting; it's been my understanding for the more than ten years I've been coming here that people do want feedback. Bpd is not an easy disorder to deal with, and sometimes, IMHO, we do need some honest feedback.
I wish you well always.

dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: disappointment and radical acceptance (kinda long)
PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 11:25 am 
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BPDpip5 wrote:
Yes, they are my choices. And yes, over the years those choices have defeated me at times, and also made me stronger. We all struggle. And yet there is still value in the journey. It makes me who I am. It makes all of us, who we are, I think.

I feel much the same way about the journey of my life. I made a lot of bad decisions - choices I do not intend to repeat - and I learned a lot of valuable lessons. It has made me stronger. Wiser, too, as long as I learn from my decisions and don't repeat the bad ones too often. How else would we ever learn?

If I like who I am today, I cannot feel too badly about everything that has brought me here.

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