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 Post subject: Facing facts and running scared!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 5:42 am 
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Hey there! Popping by again in the hope somebody or somebodies can help me make sense of this. I wondered around trying to suss where to post and landed here mainly because I guess it most suits where I need to be.

So here is where I am at.

I am being discharged! No not just like that, I'll remind myself that nobody is saying right now this instant... but it is happening and I keep running! The good old nhs that has put up with, supported me, scraped me up off of the floor, tried their best whilst limited in funding to get me well, fought with me when I have gotten pig headed and felt they are being unfair etc etc... for some 9 years now is trying to tell me that they consider me well enough to discharge!

Eurgh I have tried so much to reason that I am not well enough... please don't leave me it's too scary! But the fact is I even get to see that as a borderline trait... that I am actually able to tell myself is a niggle of doubt and fear of the unknown and a desire to not stand on my own two feet and face life.

What do I get out of having a CPN and a psychiatrist? Nothing to be honest! Nothing that I couldn't get elsewhere. I get a familiarity of people keep stroking my ego to tell me how well I am doing and how my reactions etc are within "normal" range.(yeah it sounds dismissive still at times til I tell myself it's their truth)

I don't self harm, I am sober, I don't take drugs, I am a married woman (faithful at that!), I am steady, stable most of the time with small breakthrough tantrums that I catch pretty quick! I have learned to know when I am tired or exhausted or hungry and choosing not to eat etc.. I get to see my actions as choices and that I make a hell of a lot of excuses too!

But a cry reaches up from within that says..."I don't wanna be better"... "I don't want this responsibility"... "why am I being punished for being good?"

So starts the self soothing process of facts again!

There is nothing for them to offer me. I don't need hospitalising, I don't need more than my 40mg of Prozac that I get from my GP. I have had 40 weeks of psychotherapy (mentalisation based)... I have been mostly deprogrammed from the "high control" religion I was raised in via internet self help... I am being offered more councelling by the rape crisis service... so it's not like I am being left all alone with nothing and no one!

Truth is I am scared and need to somehow accept the truth... without acting out to try and convince the nhs otherwise. I would be letting myself down to do so. So here I am acknowledging my desire to manipulate things. While dang trying to accept I don't need psychiatric services anymore and I can do this. I have the necessary coping skills and no one died from not needing a psychiatrist to my knowledge yet!

Ramblings of my mind... help anyone?

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"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


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 Post subject: Re: Facing facts and running scared!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:22 am 
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Tracy,

You can do it....you really can. You have the skills to have the wonderful life you deserve.

Being recovered can be a scary experience----especially when it is a new experience. I know for me, it was easier to be sick; I could stay dependent on my parents , doctors and hospitals. It was the way I thought of myself, my identity. Now, it's very difficult to even remember how that felt long,long ago.

Keep coming here, Tracy.

Dagwood


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 Post subject: Re: Facing facts and running scared!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 7:00 pm 
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Hey Dagwood

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

I ended up chatting with my partner about this. She has suggested I ask the Psych and my CPN what it is they see. What their feelings are and how they are thinking about me. Maybe then I will find it easier to radically accept what is happening... may just give that a go!

In talking with her I realised a few things... I refer to people in general...outside of my family as being in "the outside world"... could explain why I see life as scary... what is it I think the outside world is or does? Not sure I have that answer right now. Also there is that kicker of a fear of failure in there! A fear of being able to handle myself away from what I know and am familiar with. Just a few of the things that came up in conversation with my wife.. that maybe I can observe and see what the issues are!

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"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


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 Post subject: Re: Facing facts and running scared!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:49 am 
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tracy dear
congratulations, you are recovered! you should be happy :) hehehehe

yeah i understand it's scary, it's scary coz it's unknown. that's why it's scary.

but you can do it!


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 Post subject: Re: Facing facts and running scared!
PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:00 pm 
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Hey Tracy -- it's great to 'see' you! And congratulations on all your progress. I know it's scary to think about your safety nets not being there, but the truth is they will still be there if you were to need them in the future. I think it would be an important step for you to step out on your own, and I believe that you'll find out that you're OK.

I'll be terminating therapy too, I think, in the next year or two. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to, either. My therapist is the only person in my life -- and I'm not kidding when I say 'only' -- who I can be fully honest with, who I can bring any subject up to, and who will be objective and honest back to me. Since there isn't anybody else who can or will be there for me that way, I really depend on her. So it scares me to death to think of being on my own, particularly as I'm considering moving 1500 miles away and wouldn't be able to resume therapy with her. I try to practice now, when something comes up that knocks me down a bit -- I try to hear her voice, as if she were standing by me and whispering in my ear, and imagine what she would tell me, and how she would challenge me to find my own solutions and believe in myself. Maybe that's something that could work for you.

In any event, I'm proud of you and glad you're doing well. I hope you'll stop by once in a while and give us an update.

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I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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