So I have been sitting here bawling my eyes out forever now and I figured I would come on here for some support. I tried calling my sister but every time I said something she would say, "I know, I feel the same way, and wasn't listening to me."
But I was on myspace today and I clicked on my ex boyfriend's page. Just a little history on him and I...we met when I was 17, I am now 24. But we only went out for a brief time but I have always held him in my heart. He was the ONLY guy I have ever connected with on a deeper level.
I really wanted a serious relationship with him, but at the time the girl that I was best friends with told me she didn't want to pursue the relationship any farther. Because I was a borderline I merged with her and the thought of losing her was too much, so I didn't go out with him.
To this day, it still haunts me. I don't know why. I've met plenty of other guys and they just don't give me the same feeling as he does. I remember him sitting in my driveway with me and I was on top of the wo rld.
He was a player, and an alcoholic. He would call one guy and tell her not to come over because he had another girl over his house.
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Well, over 6 years has passed since that day. But the years following that were hell. I was kicked out of my house, slept in my car, developed PTSD, and have become kind of a social outcast. But in my mind I always thought I had a chance with this kid.
I pull up his myspace photo and I see that he's having a baby with his girlfriend. He has all over how he's so excited, and that's good. But as soon as I saw it I absolutely lost it. I feel so empty and so sad. I wish I could go back to that day in his car.
I guess what I have to radically accept is that he has a girlfriend who he's in love with and he's gonna have a kid for the rest of his life, and it's never gonna be how it was before.
But I am heartbroken. I feel like the girl in the notebook that goes back to her ex and has a meltdown. Even though I am truly a good person I find myself having thoughts that I wish she had a miscarriage. I just don't want this to be happening.
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Also, and this is probably a twisting issue; I saw on his myspace that he doesn't drink. He used to be the biggest alcoholic and now I feel like the girl he's with got him to change and I couldn't.
And, I feel like how come he was a player to me, and why does he love this girl so much. I feel inferior because I feel like I wasn't good enough to have his baby. And I wasn't special enough to make him not a player, but this girl actually was.
I am getting older 24 doesn't sound old but ppl my age are starting to have kids and stuff. I know that I have to accept this, but it's so hard. I am devastated and feel hopeless.
If anyone has any thoughts, guys, PLEASE help me.. I am desparate and don't know what to do.
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