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 Post subject: a thought
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:52 pm 
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i struggle so much with my identity. i struggle so much trying to find a place in this world that feels like it fits. I wonder all the time where my nest is. i was reading this book, A New Life by Eckhart Tolle, Oprah is doing something about this book on her show. Anyway, it was wonderful to read about how the essence of who you really are is beyond ego....beyond thought, feeling, mood....and lies in the basic sensation of life, that everyone always has had.

I find that pretty inspirational. I feel so disconnected from myself right now and really that is the only thing holding me to earth. When I smoke pot I don't have to even worry about working anything out....I just zone out and be. So shouldn't I be able to do that once in awhile.

there are things I want in life and I'm not sure if I will ever get there. I find that I have so many limitations....and maybe then I am just placing limitations to prevent myself from succeeding.....or maybe I am just thinking about it too much and should be more impulsive. I don't know.

I do know that the routine I have right now is good for me in the sense that I am living much more life than I was prior. Last year on this very night I attempted suicided by overdosing. It was the beginning of this huge unravelling.

maybe I need to give that more credit and let myself feel the pain of that....maybe that is why I'm having trouble feeling anything right now.

I feel numb and far away. I want to feel real. I don't want to cause myself pain anymore and I don't want to do drugs.

I guess that is all for now.

well no, I have nobody to talk to so I might as well right. everyone in my life is so busy with whatever they are doing. My friends are at university and finishing their degrees. I have been to university a million times and failed to finish anything and always dropped out with some kind of major problem looming. f888 I need therapy. I have no therapist. I burned that bridge.

I think I'm weaving something bad here. I better go have a bath.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:01 pm 
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I'm glad you could get that out... that is good for you, I think.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 6:08 am 
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Smoking pot is not going to help you feel better. It's going to numb your feelings. As scary as it seems, I suggest you find a good therapist and share your thoughts and feelings with them. You do have an inner core and it is possible to learn who you really are. By exploring this in therapy, you can possibly find your true self. But numbing it with drugs is only going to cause you to hide from yourself.

I find myself disconnected at times. I don't feel "grounded." I told my T the other day that I pinch myself at times to make sure I'm real, that I'm really here. He said there are tools I can learn to help me feel connected.

I really urge you to find a good therapist. You sound too young to have "burned your bridges." You need to be a consumer when it comes to finding a therapist. If you feel one won't work for you, look for another. Of course you do have to give them a chance, but I know there must be someone out there for you. You do not have to do this all by yourself.

There is no magic cure to get over having these feelings. It takes patience and a lot of hard work. You have to be willing to take the plunge and do the work. And to find that therapist and trust them. Look for a therapist who has experience working with patients who have BPD - not all of them do. I would suggest a Ph.D psychologist - they have a lot of training.

Read the Tools on the left side of the page here. They can help you too. You don't have to be alone and do this yourself. There is help out there!
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 Post subject: Re: a thought
PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:02 am 
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I tend to overlook / underestimate my accomplishments and overestimate and emphasize my shortcomings, so I thought it might be appropriate to mention that it's way good that you've gone 366 days (leap year, don'tcha know...) without attempting to end the emotional pain you feel by taking your life.

Perhaps you are ready to take things further in a positive direction? - one day at a time...


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...the essence of who you really are is beyond ego....beyond thought, feeling, mood....and lies in the basic sensation of life, that everyone always has had.
I love this, kat! It's like whether we are able to recognize ourselves or not, we still *are* and each of us is unique.

thank you for posting that,
~ jr

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 8:57 am 
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I was just about at the end of my rope when I staggered in to recovery a couple years back. And a couple very lucky things happened, one of which you have already started.

I bought audio CD versions of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now and the abridged form.. Practicing the Power of Now. I bouight these because my wife had read some of PON and used that to decide that my love for her was flawed and that I didn't really love her. She put that together with stuff she read in Eggshells and decided she had to escape the marriage.

So I got the Tolle' CDs desperately looking for some way to refute whatever it was he'd written that pushed her that way. I hated Tolle' and wanted to rip his heart out. What happened was that I listened to those CDs maybe ten times in the following six months. It really flavored the direction of my recovery and I am so grateful for that accident. I would strongly recommend you do the same. It's likely the basis for all he's written since, and there is a LOT of useful stuff between there and now.

The second fortunate accident is that I stumbled into a "certified" (no such thing...) DBT therapist who had the only such practice in our state, about 100 miles away. Because I was so close to the edge, the D version of BT was just what I needed (nurturing plus pushing for change) at the time and I think it made CBT much easier to deal with when I encountered it here, later on. I suspect if I'd done the sequence in reverse order, I'd have had a much more difficult time.

Those two steps led to a few others... I can go into them later or in PM if you like. But I am so fortunate for these happy accidents. They didn't help me save my marriage, buy they have helped me get to the place where I can be quite optimistic about the rest of my life.

I hope you will be too. You have a long long way to go.


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