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 Post subject: I Accept...
PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:13 pm 
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Through my own inability to control my emotions, I have hurt others. I have hurt the one I love an unbelievable amount. I promised him I would never hurt him, I promised myself I would be a light in my life, and I broke both of those promises.

I can also recognize that I did not consciously intend harm, that I have no malicious intent, but that doesn't change the truth that I have caused pain, through my actions, and through my imaction at seeking to help myself, and leaning on others until I dragged them down.

I have emotionally, verbally and even a few times physically abused the one I love.

I often have found that I am so guilt ridden and filled with self loathing because of this, I lack the stamina to keep fighting. Which in turn causes more pain, and has started a vicious cycle.

I want that cycle to stop TODAY. I am acknowledging the reality of what I've done, its there, and it can never be changed. But it can be overcome. Even with all I have stacked on him, Josh is still with me. He has heard "I'm going to get better" so many times he doesn't believe it, but he still has not left my side. And whether or not he leaves me, wallowing in guilt only leads to more pain for myself and others, so I am going to put a stop to it.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:02 pm 
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Your post was a courageous and honest thing to do, Shadow. It can be hard sometimes for us to admit the pain we have caused our loved ones because of BPD behavior, but it's such an important part of recovery.

Have you sincerely and genuinely told J. you are sorry, perhaps asked for his forgiveness? Sometimes that can free both people involved (and can help stop the shame spiral). It has to be real and heartfelt. You and I know there is no excuse for physical abuse, but if you promise not ever to do so again - and follow through on that promise - you can make amends, right?

It's good that J. is sticking by you for now. Whether he stays is up to your dedication to get better. And it sounds as though you really are serious and dedicated about getting better: good for you! With that hopeful attitude (plus a lot of hard work we all have to do on ourselves) you'll be just fine.

There comes a time in our recovery where we stop saying the things we should do and instead we just DO them. It looks like you're on your way to healthier living.

All best,
Marni

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:21 am 
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Many here know this pain, ShadowChaser. I, for one have hurt those I love as deeply as I love them. Without knowing it of course. Admitting that was so painful it led me to wonder why I deserved to take another breath. But deep down you and I both know the answer to that. Because the love truly is there. Waiting for it's chance to emerge untainted.

You will struggle with the indescribable sadness of your realization. But it's the necessary first step toward recovery. Yours appears to be deep and sincere. You are on your way. You courage and love will carry you through the difficult work of recovery. Wishing won't get it done. That's the bad news. Working at it will get it done. And that's very good news.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:35 pm 
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I have apologized to Josh, and done so sincerely. When I'm not giving in to my wild mood swings and hysteria, I am a different person, that is the person Josh loves, and when I am that person many times I have apologized and tried to make amends. Trouble is in the past I have always fallen down again, and hurt him again. I know that apologizing again isn't the answer. It's too much of what both of us have been through before. Much as the words always made me feel better and less guilty in the past, I understand now that was a trap, that apologizing doesn't change anything. Changing changes everything. I'm focusing on that.

Ibfuddled, I know exactly what you mean. You can imagine how many times I repeated "I hate myself", how many times I told myself I wasn't worth healing, how many times I wished I was dead.

I'm not going to let that guilt own me anymore. What I've done is bad, but reviling myself for it only compounds the wrong, since I am not the only one who suffers from my weakness in the courses of action I choose.

I have a responsibility to stop hurting people, if not for myself, for them.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:59 pm 
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ShadowChaser wrote:
Much as the words always made me feel better and less guilty in the past, I understand now that was a trap, that apologizing doesn't change anything. Changing changes everything.

Wow, ShadowChaser... just 'wow'.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:31 am 
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I can relate to this post. I have found myself over the years saying things that I can't believe I'm saying! I did the same things over and over - it was like I was 2 people. I would be saying these things as one person, and watching myself from the outside as another person. But I could never stop it. I have finally learned how to say STOP and keep my mouth shut. I learned that my rantings and lashing out were never effective. They did nothing to help. So by stopping I could break that cycle and give myself breathing space to THINK about what would really be effective under the circumstances of each situation. I learned I didn't have to always be so righteous and didn't have to be RIGHT all the time. So by stopping I gave myself some time to think things through and not make such a big mess of things.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 12:07 pm 
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:-) :clap :clap :bow :thumbsup 8-)


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 10:58 am 
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Bordergirl, that is so cool. I hope I can maintain the calm and objectivity I have now. I know it will take a LOT of work to undo so many patterns I have developed but I am optimistic. And Josh is absolutely thrilled right now, with how much more in control I have been this past week.

I still sometimes start feeling the urges, the anxiety and panic or anger that would lead to lashing out, but I catch myself, and I have a routine I follow to de-escalate and calm myself down that so far has worked.

I have a lot to make up for, and I know it won't happen overnight, but I can accept that now, and not be bogged down with guilt.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:06 am 
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I have had a stressful weekend. I confess that I have not reacted in a proper manner. I have acted out, I have lashed out, I have had my hissy-fit. But I picked myself up, brushed myself off and am starting over again. Fortunately my H, poor thing, has been wonderful and realized what was happening. He let me alone and waited until it was over.

It takes time for me, at least, to get to the place where I can do this consistently. But at least I'm aware of it and things are much better than they used to be. This weekend was certainly one of my worst. But whereas I used to behave this way on a more consistent basis, now it is not the norm for me. I have to try to contain myself and not lash out. I hope this week will be a better one.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:42 pm 
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Having a really bad weekend, but it being an isolated event, is still a victory. As you said, you are not like this all the time.

This week, focus one day at a time on making it better. At least that is what I try to do.:)


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:00 am 
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For me, it is containment. Trying to keep my wits about me and not lashing out and opening my mouth. Trouble is I also indulge in passive/aggressive behavior. I find that it makes me feel better, even though it is wrong to do those things. So I need to learn to stop that too. But I do take steps to fix it when I find myself doing it. Have to learn to stop myself and contain it, that's all.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:53 pm 
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Wow I know just what you are talking about. Containment is key. I too lash out and can be passive aggressive. It actually became such a habit for me to give Josh the silent treatment to "show him". Finally this past week I've been asking myself "show him what? He's not going to like me more or care about me more if I do this, it's hurting him and me, and no one is learning or gaining anything!"

Last night was hard. I felt the old resentment welling up, the temptation to start a fight, to "show him" that I was angry. But as with most of the times I did that, it was over nothing. This time I forced myself to walk away and everything ended up okay.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:57 am 
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Good for you. I have to remember how much my H loves me and all the wonderful things he does for me. Instead of getting all hissy because he doesn't put a plate away or leaves stuff around. I need to let it go. I'm kind of anal so it's hard to do. But I'm trying. I still need to do better. At least I'm aware of it now, when before I never used to be. Takes time, you know?

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:05 am 
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Definately. What I finally had to start doing is whenever I find myself growing angry or frustrated with Josh, work from the assumption I am acting irrationally, and walk away before saying or doing *anything*. Then work on untwisting and figuring out what exactly is bothering me, and even, if still confused, going and talking to someone else about it first, to see if it is a legitimate problem. I am amzed to find that 99 percent of the times I would get furious at Josh weren't over anything at all! But it's also liberating because when you are getting angry at your loved one constantly, you start to feel that if you're always angry at them, they MUST be a bad person, which causes even more bitterness and resentment.

Pulling back from that model, I see that Josh not only isn't constantly doing things to tick me off, but he's also a much better person than I was seeing him as, too!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 8:13 am 
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It's a lot of work to untwist negative reactions, isn't it. It can be exhausting. Just know that with time, it becomes its own habit and like tying a shoe it gets so it's something you can do effortlessly and without much thought. That's been my experience, and it's a good experience because my life is so much happier now.

You're doing some really great work here, Shadow. You should be very proud of yourself!


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 Post subject: Re: I Accept...
PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 11:05 pm 
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Wow, this sounds so similar to what me and my babe have been going through. We've been together for three years and I have to admit the first two years were just him loving me with me not understanding why he was still standing there. I was such a bad girlfriend! But I have to accept the pain I caused him happened and I can't change that. He's an amazing man for forgiving me and I love him so much. I'm just glad he gave me the second chance to show him the real me controlling my actions instead of the fake me being such a b-word. I'm glad he saw the real me underneath it all.


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 Post subject: Re: I Accept...
PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:59 pm 
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TkdChic, that is so awesome! The sad truth is most people don't give each other much of a shot to be the best we can be before moving on, which tends to make it even harder to pick up and grow as individuals. It sounds like he is a very understanding and loving person to have faith. Enjoy every moment with him, whatever you might have said or done in the past, you and he deserve happiness now. :)


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