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My cat has been missing for over a month now. My partner and I have done everything we can to try and track him down, but to no avail. No one has seen anything or knows anything. It's as if our little Harry has vanished off the face of the earth without a trace.

(We think most probably he's either been taken in by someone who wants to keep him as their own, or he's died somewhere he can't be found.)

Anyway... I am finding it really hard to accept that he's gone. I don't know what's happened, so how can I come to terms with it? What exactly should I be coming to terms with? I know he could still be alive, we could get a phone call at any point, or he could saunter in through the cat flap like nothing's happened. But as long as I keep that hope alive, I don't think I can move on. How do I balance the need to come to terms with this and move on, with the knowledge and hope that we could still get him back?

Every day I pray and beg and plead God that he'll come back, and I know that's not what I should be doing. I should be praying for the strength to cope. It just seems so bloody unfair that someone has taken my baby away from me. We didn't even have him for two years. And I'm so close to my cats, I spend a lot of time with them every day, and they've been there for me when no one else has, so I'm just as devastated as if it were a human friend I'd lost.

Any suggestions?

Hi Marga -

Sorry to hear your cat is missing. I'm sure it's a great loss and things feel quite awkward to not have him near- offering you the comfort and stability of his presence.

One thing that stood out for me:



You don't know that this is true. Your cat may have walked off and stuck around - that person did not 'take him'. While it would be nice of them to try to find the owner- that seems not to be in their thoughts, but this statement accuses them of something that isn't necessarily true. I think while you believe this, acceptance will be difficult.

My other thought was around acceptance. Accepting that you have done all you could? And accepting that in the big scheme of things this is how it was meant to be? Perhaps some acceptance around some your higher power- whatever that may be?

Marga, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I would be devastated if I lost one of my cats. And the "not knowing" would surely drive me crazy. I think Smilin has some good suggestions. You did your best, Marga. Hang in there.

Wow, that would be difficult! I love my cats dearly too, and know I would struggle if one went missing.

My advice is this- while it's true you shouldn't keep hanging on, expecting the kitty to come back, since you don't know harm has befallen him, there's nothing to be gained from imagining or convincing yourself of terrible scenarios. Instead, focus on accepting he is gone forever, but that he's found a new home and is okay.

You don't know this for sure either, but unless you do find out for certain (and after a month it's not terribly likely you ever will find out for certain), there's no harm in believing the best. If at some point in the future you do learn he's died, then you can grieve and find closure. And of course, if he *did* come back some day against all odds, that would be a joyous surprise and you having believed him gone for good all this time wouldn't make it any less joyous.

Thats just my thoughts on the matter. Good luck.

I'm sorry Harry never got back. It must be horrible to just not know what's happened. My heart would drop through the floor if my dog got lost.

The only thing I can think of that might bring you some small comfort is to do a closure or goodbye ritual. I think hanging on to the hope is sometimes more painful than starting the grieving process. I know it's hard to let go, but maybe it's the best thing for you. Hoping is its own torture, you know? So is there any sort of gesture you can do to help you start accepting he is gone? [keep in mind that if he ever does come back, it'll be a wonderful suprise]

I think just telling yourself to start accepting he's gone maybe won't work, while actually doing something might.

(((Marga)))

hi, Marga~

My elderly dog (and bestest friend) had one of her 'senior moments' and walked through the back gate (that my hubby left open) on a winter night that happened to dip into the 'teens. I never saw her again. I searched and never even found evidence of her.

Intellectually I knew that she'd never survive the climate and probably laid down when tired and succumbed to the elements, falling asleep while hypothermia took her breath and stopped her heart. In my own aching heart, I chose to believe that my sweet dog walked to the door of an equally elderly lady and was taken in, and has been sipping chicken broth by a comforting fireplace ever since. It's been 6 years. Realistic? No, but it helps to allay depressing visions that will crop up.


On the other hand, my daughter's kitty disappeared one November. We looked for her, put up signs, called all the shelters and vets in about a 7-mile radius, and my hubby would make regular stops in at those places to ask and check if there was any sign or word of Isabelle.

When the winter holiday came and went, I felt I had to start preparing my little girl for the reality that her beloved kitty was probably not coming home. Hubby told me not to. He's great at denial, and kept tabs with all the normal outlets for strays.

Well, one February day - I remember - he called ahead, then drove up our driveway in his work van... with Isabelle on his lap! One of the places he'd been checking called him to let him know that there was a cat that was picked up that remotely resembled his description and the picture we distributed of a comfortably plump, soft, white kitty. He barely recognized the scrungy, dirty feline, but sure enough it was Isabelle!


It is hard to reconcile hope with probability, isn't it, ( ( ((( Marga ))) ) ).
I'd recommend you not think the worst whether you ever see Harry again or not. You are missing him, surely... but unfortunately nothing about this situation is certain. I am sorry you're going through this.

Have you put out word to relevant resources that your baby is missing?


~ jr

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to this. I'm temporarily without internet at home and there's a limit to how much time I can spend online at work.

A few people (here and elsewhere) have suggested I accept he's not going to come back, and then it will be a wonderful surprise if he does, and also that (since I've done all I can to try to find him) I work on the assumption that he's being taken good care of somewhere. This is really working for me. I feel I need something concrete to accept, so in the absence of something concrete I'm going for the most likely possibility.

Of course I'm still devastated, but I feel I can start to come to terms with it and move forwards.

I am planning to do some sort of goodbye ritual. When the hamsters died they got Faure's requiem. I don't want to play a requiem for Harry, since he might not be dead, but I'll think of something. I might have to do it alone as my partner is still holding out hope he'll come back, and gets very upset at any suggestion he might not. It means I can't really talk about Harry much with her. :/ We still have this dynamic where when she cries, I stop feeling my own emotions, and just want to look after her. I've learned not to do anything impulsive when this happens, and to act "as if" and not neglect my own needs, but it can make things difficult. I'm working on it!

My heart aches just thinking about your missing cat. I can't stand most of the human beings that share our planet, but our pets make it all worthwhile. I have to picture my missing pets as laying up in the lap of luxury somewhere, being waited on hand and foot. This makes me smile and tell myself that I would not want to leave that either, and it makes me feel much better to KNOW they are doing okay. I lie to myself, but helps me to stop blubbering for days on end and making myself sick with grief. I bet your cat is being hand fed smoked salmon and caviar wherever he is!!! I also try to find another needy four legged soul to take in as soon I can. It is not replacement, nor really meant to be, but good for your bruised heart and theirs as well. You would just have a bigger cat family if the other one came back home. Best wishes and I hope you find peace of mind , what ever happens.

I am so sorry. I too, have lost a cat, without a trace. And accepting that he was never coming home was/is something that takes time. I still hope that he will show up one day, and it's been 5 years.

I hope you can find some closure.

xo