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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:51 am 
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NotAMonster wrote:
I am kind of "cramping his style" by wanting him to actually settle down and be with just me! But I still hold out hope for him and only time will tell...

If someone told you that they really wanted to be with this guy and they just wanted him to quit being who he is and change into who they think he should be for them, what would you tell them?
Why wait for him to be something that he's not?
Why want him to be someone other than what he is?

What if he DOES NOT CHANGE?
Do you want to continue with this man JUST THE WAY HE IS TODAY?
That's all you have. Not who you hope he'll be. Not who you want him to be. Who he is today. That's it.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:06 am 
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Update:
I am still hanging on. R and I were on pretty decent terms over the weekend. My T told me (on Monday) that I would have to "let it go" and stop bringing up the baby mama with R. So, I did my best all week. I stayed sober since drinking tends to bring out the bad emotions and make me want to confront him about "the issue." He was giving me the silent treatment all week because baby mama called him on Monday and told him I was e-mailing her. He accused me of "snooping" and wouldn't talk to me all week. It was a tough, tough week. All these emotions, frustration, uncertainty... but I stuck with it. I didn't mention her. I didn't interrogate him about the issue. I didn't drink.... Until Friday. By Thurs. night he was speaking with me again and things were starting to look up. We had a quiet night at home. We made plans for the weekend. Friday (July 4) we went grocery shopping and cleaned up the apartment in preparation for a big BBQ with our friends. I made a lot of food and it came out great and everyone had a good time at our BBQ. I made myself some fruit punch (NA) and was sipping that all night. Then at one point he called me over to talk to him and said "you know, you can have a wine cooler (Smirnoff Ice) if you want...just think, OK?" So, I said maybe in a little bit I would have one. And I did. I deserved it after all that hard work I did! I sipped it slowly and followed it up with a couple more but did not get out of control and did not mention baby mama and did not "start s**t" with him. Then Sat. we went to two parties and I was drinking all day and by the end of the night...well, you can guess what happened. I mentioned baby mama. It's just that there were all these people with their kids at the second party and I was watching them and it made me think of R and his baby mama and THEIR unborn child. And I mentioned that to one of our friends and she said "unless you find a way to accept what happened, it will never work out with you and R." And she's right - I know that. But IT IS SO HARD to accept it and "move on." So I told him what our friend said and I got a little mean and well, the next day - silent treatment again. So, yesterday morning I tried to talk him out of his silent treatment. I apologized for slipping and mentioning the issue. I told him I am working hard at trying to move on but that I can't erase all that happened from my mind and he needs to cut me some slack because I will have slip ups every now and then. By the end of the night we were sort of on better terms. This morning I asked him if he "would be willing to or want to" come to therapy with me tonight. He said "no."
So, that is where we stand. Not sure what the next step is for me. I keep vacillating between "I am going to give him a chance to prove to me that he really is committed to me now" and "what the heck am I doing staying in this situation?" Hopefully therapy tonight will help clear my head a little...

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:02 am 
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When I read your last update I was thinking how many "chances" is this girl wanting to give this loser? There you are, trying to stay off the alcohol and he actually recommends drinking a wine cooler????????? For heaven's sake, if you have an alcohol problem or are alcohol dependend (I don't know which one you are) you cannot even eat food with traces of alcohol in it. Does this guy have a brain? Or compassion? Or any kind of support for you? And then he gives you the silent treatment????????
This baby issue is not getting any easier. Once she gives birth, there will actually be a little person involved. He will not only have to pay child support but will most likely be involved in his child's life as well. This means that he will have to be in contact with the mother as well. Can you handle that? It is not as he is supportive and understanding towards you. You describe him as a complete selfish person. My guess is that he just picks and choses what or who is to his advantage. Period.
I have been in relationships with men like that and it was never worth the stress, the grief, the sadness, the feeling of constantly having to make up, to apologize, to be good and to forgive anything just not to be abandoned. And you know something very funny? These guys (there were 3) all told me later, that I scared them because of the intensity of my feelings and because they felt somehow inferior aroung me. Go figure.
But do not allow this man to encourage you to drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He might have his reasons to do this but there are not out of concern.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Birgit


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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:33 am 
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I have to say that I too am fascinated by the fact that he knows you are most likely to lose control when you have alcohol in your system, and he pulls you aside and encourages you to drink, and then punishes you when you lose control. Do you ever feel like a puppet on a string?

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:16 pm 
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Hey Birgit and Ann,
Thanks for writing. You know, I didn't really think that much of his encouraging me to drink until you two posted about it. I figure he just knows that I like to drink and everyone else was drinking so he was trying to get me to not punish myself. But you are both right - it is not fair of him to do that when he knew I was trying to get sober AND I was doing it so I would not hurt him anymore. My drinking was a main factor in the whole disaster last week that ended in me getting arrested. Then I tell him I am getting on the wagon because I am not emotionally stable enough to drink and I know it will lead to more problems between us. And I give him updates every day such as "this is day 8 for me" and basically encourage HIM to encourage ME and show his support for my decision. And he did for a while. When it happened, I thought his comment about the wine cooler was good hearted - kind of like "you worked hard, you deserve to treat yourself" - I never really thought of it as him playing games with me. But then the next day when I was drinking at the party, there came a point where he said "don't have any more after that one, OK?" Acting all concerned about me. But really it is a control thing, isn't it? I have told him before that I think he is very controlling and he just keeps proving me right. Hmmmmmmm. I know, I know I need to get out of this situation. I need to leave him. But you know what? This may sound completely demented but part of the reason I am staying is to punish him! I want him to suffer for what he did. If I leave, that is giving him the easy way out. I want to be there when he tells his family that he has a son but it is not with me - the woman they met, the woman they know as his "future wife" (yes, he calls me that in front of his relatives and friends) but rather it is with the woman he was cheating on me with! Terrible, evil, self-sacrificing....call it what you want. But I am a survivor. I am strong. I can take care of myself and when the time is right, I will move on. But for now I just can't miss the show.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:44 pm 
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NotAMonster wrote:
Hey Birgit and Ann,
This may sound completely demented but part of the reason I am staying is to punish him! I want him to suffer for what he did. If I leave, that is giving him the easy way out. I want to be there when he tells his family that he has a son but it is not with me - the woman they met, the woman they know as his "future wife" (yes, he calls me that in front of his relatives and friends) but rather it is with the woman he was cheating on me with! Terrible, evil, self-sacrificing....call it what you want. But I am a survivor. I am strong. I can take care of myself and when the time is right, I will move on. But for now I just can't miss the show.

That sounds like really BPD behavior - punishing yourself to try to punish someone else. Blaming your problems on someone else's bad behavior rather than looking at your own. Telling us the "poor me - see how bad he is" tale while making the choice to act out, harming yourself one way or another.

I strongly suggest your talk to your T about this.
NOT "his stuff".
Talk about YOUR stuff.
Why you CHOOSE to stay with him.
Why you CHOOSE to get drunk and start fights.
Why you CHOOSE to stay in a hurtful situation.
Why do you think anything you can do will "punish" him?
Why do you think that letting yourself get out of control and nasty helps your cause at all? Is it possible that you are beginning to look and act like the "crazy girlfriend"? Why are you choosing that?
Never mind what he is or isn't doing. This is about YOUR choices. YOUR actions.

Do you have any ideas for HEALTHY ways to resolve the situation?

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:53 pm 
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Minx wrote:
Is it possible that you are beginning to look and act like the "crazy girlfriend"?


Yes, I suppose so... The baby mama called me a "psycho bi**h"

Quote:
Why are you choosing that?


I don't know...

Quote:
Do you have any ideas for HEALTHY ways to resolve the situation?


No... do you?

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:51 pm 
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something struck me from your posts, i just wanted to comment on it and ask you to think about it.

first, his offering or suggesting a wine cooler. it isnt his place to tell you how to handle your life, nor his business. and i dont know if your A or not, but anything alcohol begins the cycle in someone who is a alcoholic. even mouthwash. then he tells you to quit drinking. now if he knows anything about A, he knows this wont work. the alcohol led you into more later on, and he seemed to have appointed himself your caretaker on what you swallow.

that is so destructive and so wrong. i heard the words in your posts, "i worked hard so i DESERVED a drink", etc. """"I said maybe in a little bit I would have one. And I did. I deserved it after all that hard work I did!""""

are you in AA?? if so, please look into your words and think about them? i applaud your na punch! another has no say on what you do, behave or ingest.

without even these minimal boundaries in place with him, it seems to me this relationship is quite overwhelming. no wonder! i havnt commented on the baby thing, because that will need only your decision on it and i dont think either of you are close to being able to handle all this since you posted about so much other stuff that comes down to boundaries and expectations of each other.

well, just my view, right or wrong, keep or toss. this is just my own opinion from hearing your words and what came to my mind about it.

his behavior really doesnt matter that much, its what you will allow and want for you. his stuff will fall into place once you learn and decide that. i havent heard so many boundaries crossed up in a long time. (since i had to straighten my own out!)

"""" figure he just knows that I like to drink and everyone else was drinking so he was trying to get me to not punish myself. """
"""I thought his comment about the wine cooler was good hearted - kind of like "you worked hard, you deserve to treat yourself" """there came a point where he said "don't have any more after that one, OK?" Acting all concerned about me""""

good hearted? after you being arrested? trying to get you to not punish yourself? this is his business how? drinking is NOT a treat to a alcoholic. it is destruction. acting concerned? by telling you what to do? that is "enabling", not concern. concern would be telling you "your a adult. whether you choose to drink or not is your choice. i will not stand by and watch". concern would be letting you experience your own consequences and telling you you chose them. not sticking his nose in it and parenting you over it.

this comes from my being in al anon, and learning a lot about As. its my own take on what is taught in al anon.

i will let you think on these statements, ok? just for you. and see what you come up.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:44 pm 
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i am very hesistant about my post above. would a mod tell me if it was worded ok and if not, how could i have done it better please?

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:16 pm 
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It looks like you are full-on borderline to me, and you are enjoying some kind of rush (possibly) that you are getting out of this. Do you want the attention? Do you seek drama to fill the gap that is there? And are you accepting that and not really caring about yourself enough to seek change? No one could tell me a thing when I was full-on. I was bound and destined for destruction.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:58 pm 
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NAM

I don't know you, but I do know the whole dancing with alcohol thing. As others have said in different ways -

it doesn't matter if 15 of you closest family members thought it was OK for you to have a couple - if you are trying to stay sober, because you got arrested last weekend (which sounds like a good idea) you chose to drink, again. And, you chose to drink the following day. It's pretty hard to manage borderline or other tough life issues if you aren't managing your drinking.

And - the thing with R is - as I read this - you aren't accepting the situation. You continue to be angry and feel slighted. I don't think it's wrong for anyone to make the decision to stay or go - but what you are doing is staying, and not accepting. Seems like you justify your attacking (not sure if that's the right word) behavior toward R because you haven't been able to accept what is.

Ideas?

Take sobriety seriously.

Leave if you can't commit seriously to accepting the way things are.

fwiw

Molly


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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:34 am 
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I'm just going to throw something out there. I'm probably WAY off base, because I'm going to write about how I used to act in a similar situation. Let me know how it sounds.
WARNING: Adult language

I'm not leaving. No way I'm letting that bitch win. Oh, no. He's going to have to leave me, and everybody's going to see what a loser he really is. He's going to have to find the balls to walk away from the woman of his dreams to take up with that slut. He wanted her, he can have her! But I know that he really wants me, so she's going to lose.
What do you mean, I should be nice? No way. This bastard deserves every ounce of shit I'm going to give him. He CHEATED on me!! Yes, I know we were split up - but only for a couple of weeks. We got right back together again. So we WERE together, just not seeing each other. Besides - that doesn't matter! He hurt me and he's going to pay for it.
Why don't I leave? Because I haven't done anything wrong! I love him, and I told him I'd stick with him through thick and thin, and I meant it.

OK, I can't follow that train of thought too much further because I remember it only too well...but that sort of I love him/I hate him sort of back and forth is really familiar to me. I feel echoes of it in your posts.
Get help. Talk with your T. Look at what you are doing, what you are putting yourself through. Be honest about your feelings and your motives. This IS hard, but hanging on to the sort of resentment you're carrying is like drinking poison to watch somebody else die. It doesn't work. It only hurts you. There's enough hurt in this situation. Stop creating more.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:02 am 
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jodyisme wrote:
without even these minimal boundaries in place with him, it seems to me this relationship is quite overwhelming. no wonder! i havnt commented on the baby thing, because that will need only your decision on it and i dont think either of you are close to being able to handle all this since you posted about so much other stuff that comes down to boundaries and expectations of each other.


Jody,
You make a very good point here. I think R and I really need to sit down and discuss our boundaries and expectations of each other and what we want to see happen going forward (if we go forward with this relationship).
No, I am not an A and I am not in AA. I have struggled with a drinking problem but I quit for a week and I am getting right back on the wagon and nothing he or anyone else says is going to knock me off course.
I appreciate your input and concern and I do not see any problems with anything you posted. I know that you often get misinterpreted and have struggled in the past with posting on this board so I am happy to see that you stepped out for me and posted. Thanks,
NAM

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:05 am 
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AquaLite15 wrote:
It looks like you are full-on borderline to me, and you are enjoying some kind of rush (possibly) that you are getting out of this. Do you want the attention? Do you seek drama to fill the gap that is there? And are you accepting that and not really caring about yourself enough to seek change? No one could tell me a thing when I was full-on. I was bound and destined for destruction.


Aqua, I agree with you. I am definitely struggling with the disorder A LOT right now and that is why I quit drinking. I CAN NOT get arrested again or else I go to jail for 5 years and I KNOW that drinking only makes it harder for me to act reasonably - especially when mixed with such strong emotions as I am feeling right now. I just need to keep that night in mind - when I got arrested and decided to quit drinking - and that will motivate me to stay sober. That is what motivated me before.

Yes, I think there is a bit of self hate involved and I really don't care about myself enough to get myself out of this situation. My friend suggested that I go away for a weekend or something - get away from R and all this drama so I can think clearly and get a plan in place. Maybe I will do that. My sister lives in PA, about a 3 hour drive from here, so maybe I can go see her.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:08 am 
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Mollyd wrote:
And - the thing with R is - as I read this - you aren't accepting the situation. You continue to be angry and feel slighted. I don't think it's wrong for anyone to make the decision to stay or go - but what you are doing is staying, and not accepting. Seems like you justify your attacking (not sure if that's the right word) behavior toward R because you haven't been able to accept what is.

Ideas?

Take sobriety seriously.

Leave if you can't commit seriously to accepting the way things are.


Wow, Molly, you are right on. I do feel slighted and I am not really accepting the situation. I told myself I could accept it and move on, but obviously I have not. I will take sobriety seriously and I will make it very clear to R that I am taking it seriously and I need his support in that respect.

I guess I need some alone time to think and figure out if I really can accept the way things are...

Thanks for posting,
NAM

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:15 am 
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Minx wrote:
I'm not leaving. No way I'm letting that bitch win. Oh, no. He's going to have to leave me, and everybody's going to see what a loser he really is. He's going to have to find the balls to walk away from the woman of his dreams to take up with that slut. He wanted her, he can have her! But I know that he really wants me, so she's going to lose.
What do you mean, I should be nice? No way. This bastard deserves every ounce of shit I'm going to give him. He CHEATED on me!! Yes, I know we were split up - but only for a couple of weeks. We got right back together again. So we WERE together, just not seeing each other. Besides - that doesn't matter! He hurt me and he's going to pay for it.
Why don't I leave? Because I haven't done anything wrong! I love him, and I told him I'd stick with him through thick and thin, and I meant it.


Minx,
All I can say is EXACTLY!!!!!!

Quote:
Be honest about your feelings and your motives. This IS hard, but hanging on to the sort of resentment you're carrying is like drinking poison to watch somebody else die. It doesn't work. It only hurts you. There's enough hurt in this situation. Stop creating more.


Yes, it hurts but I think leaving will hurt more. It will be like giving up. I agree that hanging on to the resentment is not helping me, R or anyone involved. I need to let it go. But I really want him to just TALK to me about it. I want to have a long talk and get EVERYTHING out on the table but whenever I mention the situation, he gets angry and defensive. I even asked if he would go to therapy with me last night and he said no. He thinks my T is putting all sorts of BS in my head.

I think what you and others have said here is right - I need to either completely accept what happened or leave. But first, I need to stay sober and straighten out my thoughts and emotions so that I can make a rational decision.

Therapy last night helped. I came to the conclusion that R does not love me. At least not the way that I want to be loved and not the way that I loved him. Maybe he is not capable of really loving someone. And so, if we are not on the same page with how we want to treat each other and interact with each other, then we should not be together. I just wish that we could talk and see if we are on the same page or not. Maybe I will find a way to talk to him that will not enrage him...

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:55 am 
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FYI: Here is the post about me getting arrested...I put it in another (related) thread on this board...

Quote:
Well, I guess it was bound to happen... I snapped. And got arrested :(
We were packing and moving my stuff from my place to his all week. I was so busy that I hardly saw him. I left early in the morning to get some packing done and get to the gym and I stopped at my old place after work and he met me there Tues. and Wed. So we hardly got any personal time together. Things felt awkward to me, like we were growing distant. I wanted to have a chance to check in with him and see how he was feeling about me moving in and just spend some quality time with him so he would know I wasn't neglecting him - I was just busy moving. So Thurs. morning I sent him a text message saying I would like to have some good quality alone time at home with him that night. He didn't respond to the text message. When I got to his place, we made dinner and after dinner he said "I know you wanted to have some quality time together tonight, but my friend C called me yesterday and wanted me to stop by and hang out tonight." So, I said "oh, so we're going to C's house?" And he said "well, I was going to go..." And of course that started a bit of a fight. I told him it would have been nice if he had let me know of these plans in advance because I would have made other plans myself that night. I could have gone to my old apartment and gotten more packing done, I could have gotten together with some of my friends who I have been too busy to hang out with, etc. I told him it would have been nice if he had responded to my text message and let me know that he had other plans. So, anyway, he ended up going to C's house and I stayed at his place. And drank a bottle of wine. Plus two glasses from another bottle. And when he got home I tore into him about the pregnant girl. And we had words. And I: hit him repeatedly with my pillow, threw my cell phone at him twice, and spit on him twice. And he called the cops. By the time the police officer got to the apartment, I had made myself a bed on the couch and was laying down. But she (the officer) still ordered me to "get my stuff and get out." Which I did. But, of course, psycho me is so mad that he would actually call the cops and be so cold hearted that I just HAD to go back and talk to him about it once I saw the cop leave. So, I go back. The door is locked. the deadbolt (which I don't have a key for) is locked. I ring the doorbell, bang on the door and he comes downstairs but doesn't let me in. I am yelling at him to let me in so we can talk. I see the lights on downstairs so I know he is there. So, I go over to the window to see him. He still won't let me in, so I bang on the window. It breaks. Now I am screaming at him through the window. How could he be so cold hearted after all I have been through for him, after all the devotion I have shown to him for the past year and a half, doesn't he have any bit of love left for me in his heart, etc. etc. Well, my hand is bloody from smashing the window so I show him the blood and tell him please let me in to clean off my hand. How can someone who said he loved me for a year and a half leave me standing there bleeding? Well he didn't make a move to open the door for me, so I crawled in through the window. Went upstairs to clean my hand. We exchange more words. He calls the cops to tell them I came back then warns me to get out of there before the cops get back. He is saying "please, just leave - go back to Norwalk (my old apartment) for tonight and just let the wine wear off..." He is grabbing clothes for me to take with me but I just can't believe all that has happened and how cold he could be - calling the cops on me, telling me to leave, etc. So I stayed just a bit too long and by the time I got outside, the cops were there. So I calmly walk over to them and of course it is the same female cop who was just there and she's like "didn't I tell you to leave? why did you come back?" then they saw the window and asked me if I broke it and I said yes and well "You're under arrest." So off I go in the back of the police cruiser, in cuffs. OH GOD THIS IS NOT ME! You all don't know. I am a straight edge, law-abiding citizen. I have never had any kind of trouble with the law! Not even a speeding ticket! Now I am sitting in the police station, in my pajamas, blood on my shirt from the cuts on my hand from the window, looking at my mug shot and finger prints on the police report. And I have to call someone to post $500 bail! Un-freaking-believable! The only good that came out of that situation was that I decided right then and there to quit drinking. Today is day 4 of sobriety!
This post is long enough now so I will get to the rest of the story later. Just to wrap up this story, I got someone to bail me out and let me crash with them for the night then spent Friday morning in court and the rest of the weekend trying to figure out where I am going to live and what is going to happen with me and R (BF)...

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:24 am 
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since that post went over ok, here is another. lol. (hope my parachute opens, eh)

"""Maybe I will find a way to talk to him that will not enrage him...""" his behavior is his choice. yes, you can find ways to communicate that are helpful. but if he wont listen, you cant do a thing about that. (been there). are you owning his behaviors? justifying them with your coloring of your history? (just asking things to think on).

it is helpful to use "i feel...." statements. not ANY "you" ones. just talk about you. emphasis it is YOUR stuff. ask about compromises. altho i think he has issues beyond issues, personally. just a personal take on him.

you may consider a boundary with him about your behavior. all of it. "how i may choose to behave is my issue, and i need to own that by myself", type stuff.

""""I just wish that we could talk and see if we are on the same page or not""" right now, from my own view and take on what you say, i dont even think you 2 are on the same book, much less the same page.

for 2 extremely healthy, mature adults, this situation would be enormous to cope with. (even healthy adults can fuck up).

your angry about this. that is a separate thing to cope with. pretending it isnt happening wont work. not letting go of that anger and still trying to make it wont work. your hurt! sure you are, thats way normal. and mad as hell. that is coloring everything else going on and magnifying all the issues you and he already had.

well, ok, i better stop. just giving you a view from my window in case you hadnt thought of it yet.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:44 am 
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Thanks, Jody. My T suggested the "I" statement approach too. The last time R was giving me silent treatment and I wanted to talk to him about it, my T said I should say "your anger is hurting me" and it worked -he opened up a bit.
If I decide to talk to him about what is bothering me I will definitely focus on using "I" statements again.
-NAM

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:14 pm 
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maybe turn that around a bit into "i feel hurt when your silent to me because.........."

"your" statements tend to arouse defensiveness off the bat....plus I statements show we own our feelings. after all, its your hurt and your choice to feel it.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:44 pm 
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Recent "Ah-ha" moment for me:
I am holding onto what I thought we had instead of looking at what is actually there. I am embarrassed to admit that I was mistaken. Now I am fighting to "keep" something that may have been just a fantasy. But it is hard to believe that I could be SO wrong about him...

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 4:32 pm 
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""""But it is hard to believe that I could be SO wrong about him...""""

what do you mean by that?

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:23 pm 
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I'm seeing that both of you have issues... you - competition between females. It's amazing the fights that can occur over things that aren't healthy for us. Does it really make a difference to you whether she "wins" the little battles or not? I've seen women fight for men who are worth nothing. It's usually men who are willing to be fought over, men who in the grand scheme of things, have achieved nothing and are worth very little to none. My bf wouldn't involve himself in such petty games. Jerry Springer. And yes, I have been there, so don't think I am judging without judging myself first. I spent my 20's throwing money away on men who were worthless.

Him - He's not taking control of what's going on, in the right way. He's allowing this stuff to happen. He's allowing his chicks to fight over him, and he's not solving the problems. Voices tell me he probably isn't very accomplished, and probably doesn't have a very good job.

You are both getting supply from this. You enjoy chasing. But is the prize at the end really worth it to you to throw your time and energies into?

My bf I fought for was a drummer in a bar-band who made $100 a night before taxes, and he treated me like dog crap. My bf now is the head of three departments of a Nasdaq corporation, and I don't have to fight to keep him. He treats me like gold. There's the real prize. The real prize is in a guy who shows loyalty, love, compassion, and respect for everyone, and who knows how to take care of himself and his own.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:12 am 
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jodyisme wrote:
""""But it is hard to believe that I could be SO wrong about him...""""

what do you mean by that?


Hi Jody,
I mean that I thought he adored me and I was the one he really wanted to be with. I thought things were going great between us and we were in love and ready to move in together. I thought he was committed to me and only me. We dated for a while back in late 2005/early 2006 and I broke up with him because my feelings for him were not as strong as his feelings for me and I got a little intimidated. He was "falling in love" and I had way too much going on in my life and was way too unsure of myself at the time to deal with that. So I ran. A week later he e-mailed me because he was so hurt and confused and wanted to talk about why I left. We talked and I told him the time just wasn't right for me and that was the last I saw of him. Then a year later I got an e-mail from him out of the blue and I decided to meet up with him and give it another shot. We have been together since. He and his friends have told me that he was really hurt and depressed the last time I left. He really wanted to be with me. Then when I came back a year later, he was actually dating people at the time but he broke it off to be with me. He doted on me, told me how much he adored me, met my family, I met his family, we went away together. Then he tells me about the pregnant woman, but claims it happened when we were broken up for two weeks. I believe him and make plans to move in with him anyway. But since moving in with him is such a huge step for me, I do a little research first to make sure I am making a good move. Something bothered me about the story he told me about the pregnant woman. So, I did some snooping and found out he has been meeting people online - personals, craigslist, etc. The pregnant woman was one of them. I met another one - a woman who he claimed was his friend's friend. She came to visit him and I was there. I believed that she was just a friend because I didn't see any sparks between them or any signs of affection. But I figured it out. She was another one he met online - but they had just started talking so that is why there were no "sparks" yet. Then in my investigating I learned that he has been seeing the pregnant woman since Sept. That is what really hurts. He was telling me how much he loved me, I was 100% committed to him and in love with him, and all the while he is sneaking around behind my back. Of course, by the time I found all this out, I had already opted out of renewing my lease. So I still moved in with him. I live with him now and he claims that he has been faithful/committed to me since the day he told me about the pregnant girl and I still stayed. But things are rocky as you can imagine. And I don't feel the same for him anymore. I don't think he ever loved me the way I thought he did. I was sooo mistaken. So misled. So deceived.

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 Post subject: Re: It is so hard
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:18 am 
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thanks for explaining that.

you have every right to be hurt. and furious. and feel deceived and betrayed.

but what you will do with it is up to you. completely. will you be able to hurt him like you hurt? nope. because he isnt you. will he understand how badly you feel? maybe. maybe not. how does he feel? between a rock and hard place, i imagine. he now has a child to deal with forever.

i can see how you think you were wrong about him...but was it more expectations of your version of love vs his? (i dont know, just asking)

people usually, in my experience, go online because they lack self esteem. and because its a buffet of people no one could meet in a lifetime. its easy.

this would be his issue to work on. will he? can you ever repair the issues already here? do you want to?

just some things to think on.....jody

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