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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:09 pm 
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i found the idea judgements are about us so interesting and true.

any choice we make is based on our judgement of merits vs detriments. how intelligent or positive a judgement is can show where we might be in our growth. juries must do this in sentencing, esp with the death penalty. more good or more bad consequences? our past experiences? our inner beliefs? our traits---good and bad.

fascinating what goes into our thinking! and what one can show others about us. ultimately, and i forgot who said it, they are about us.

however, judging a person vs a situation can be very diff. and should be handled differently.

just my views from my own brain!

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:08 pm 
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I'm actually seeing the benefits of judging people. Sociopaths = bad always. Borderlines = bad but possibly can turn out good, with effort. People who have the right actions = good. People who aren't consistent and who display improper actions = bad. People who love = good. People who hate = bad. People who are rotten are rotten. People who aren't, aren't. And I can judge that, and be right about it in my mind, and know I am right about it. Without that, where would I be? Probably with a loser somewhere back in the south in a trailer with a crappy job.... fair enough. There are reasons to judge, there are reasons why we judge. That's how some people rise above it - by knowing and accepting what they are, not having issues with what they are, and then rising above that.

I'm a girl who is in recovery from bpd. It wasn't my fault I got it, but it's my decision to recover from it. It took me to some bad places, but I chose a different path. Now, I'm a girl who lives with a guy who is my bf, who is successful, because that's what I went for and got, was someone who I deemed good and successful, and I wouldn't settle for less. I'm a girl who wants to do her best, and who wants to achieve. But I haven't proven anything but that I am a girl who is having her bf pay for her while she recovers and decides where she is going. That's all. I suppose I could be deemed a loser.... and that's why I won't always be that.

Sometimes judging ourselves and others is right for us.

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It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow. -- Robert H. Goddard


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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:56 am 
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hey tracy -

just caught this now. i relate a ton to what you have said and yep it is hard. i sometimes think too that having some close net friendships makes the lonliness factor even more difficult for some of the exact reasons you state- not getting that hug and/or not being able to take that walk or go for coffee or perhaps just bum it at home with the tv or radio on in the background.

in some sense as much as the net friendships help, they also detract, and yet, i've refused to give them up - they do provide a lot of comfort.

i too get very down about it at times, and i usually try to let that motivate me to more beneficial things- sometimes i take a class, others i will volunteer and sometimes it is a sign i need to be more involved in daily life and get myself off the computer.

as far as missing yet wanting those closer 3d friendships, for me it takes time and patience with both myself and others. i know i dont trust as much as i use to; i know im more shy about being hurt or just forming the bond and watching it disappear all in one full swoop. (not that it will always happen like that- ive seen a fair amount of progress in how i relate- it really is a matter of trust/comfort with others. i do think it is about giving myself some gentle pushes and too of not expecting too much too soon.)

ive seen you time and time again sit thru things and i really admire that. sitting thru them; letting them be; and working on distraction- not getting caught up in the feelings/thoughts... not easy stuff, but very valuable. i really appreciate you posting your stuff at these times- it provides so much encouragement and it provides an outline perhaps (sorta grasping for the proper word) of how i might be able to handle a similiar situation.

sometimes too for me (sorry to jump back into the earlier part of the post) when I am feeling lonely it's more because i've not allowed myself to just 'be around' others. ive found days when if i go out shopping; or walk downtown for coffee or hit the gym i wont feel as lonely as when i sit in the house. it has nothing more to do with having a friend as much as it has to do with me being a part of the bigger picture- one of many and seeing that there are many. sometimes just that- being amongst others - helps dim some of those feelings.

it also helps when i am more focused on taking care of myself - even tho it may not be 'fun' stuff and/or i think i dont want to do it; if i do, it provides me a sense of myself and i again lose some of those feelings.

other times, yep, i can get quite uncomfortable and feed into it and then boy is that nasty.. tho, i have to admit on the rare occassion ive been able to sit with it, it has been painful but also good for me

well, guess more sharing my experiences than really offering much in any way of anything but perhaps something will touch on what you are experiencing.

hope you are feeling less alone and are more back to doing things soon.

(not sure what all the other stuff is doing in this thread.. whole posts on judgements ???... splitting them off sounds great to me)


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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:41 am 
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These are my thoughts as they relate to what I am dealing with.

I will comment on the judgements thing by saying I did feel judged in this thread as being someone that judges people too much (my perceptions and I know why!)...although that may not have been in intent it didn't seem to fit with what I am looking at. In order to take better care of me I need to make better judgement calls...it's as simple as that. Not make less of them.

Not labelling as in all druggies will steal from me...I know this isn't true....not saying all people dxed with bpd are not worth spending time with...this is black and white thinking.... if I thought that I wouldn't be here. But being able to say this person and I just don't seem to be able to get on and we just don't seem to click...is where I am at. This person makes me feel often upset, or angry, or hurt ...why would I continue to put myself in that position? There may be hundreds of people out there they relate to in some way, but not me. I don't have to like everyone and I don't have to be liked by everyone either. (This was what I thought growing up! Quite a challenge I set myself there)

Having been a child that was raised to know that people can change and do and have seen it many times over in my life...that people do things that arent great at times, but there is generally something good in there somewhere...this realization has been a challenge for me. Once doesn't mean always. How do I carry on accepting this belief and take care of me is where I am at?

My mum and I for example just simply find it really hard to get on. I don't think she is a bad person, I don't like the way she treats me though. I can accept that other people think she is wonderful...that's all ok. I don't have to put me at her mercy cos she is nice sometimes....I can limit what effect she has in my life by placing her further away from me in depth of relationship. If she is "on one" (my phrase for what she does) I don't have to talk to her at all and that is ok also.

Why wait for the fifth time someone causes me suffering to say I am not tolerating this behaviour? I am all for giving chances....problem is I am more than likely to give them too many....sit suffering in the hopes they will see their issues and stop them impacting on me of their own free will (often it seems that twice is quite enough)... I am realizing that sometimes it is better for me to remove myself a damn site earlier and wait for them to prove their behaviour will no longer impact on me in a negative way before I allow them any closer.

Then there are those that wish to paint me a nice colour of jet black because for example they don't like the way I dress...that is their choice, their decision and sometimes all I can do is accept that is how they see things. ( I don't have to like it) But I can remind myself that I am no less of a person because they would rather shout abuse at me than see what else is here for them. Why would I stick around such people though? I see no good reason to.

Think that is a ramble of sorts (I have never been great at compacting my thoughts) but that is what came to me when thinking about judgements as it relates to me making friendship choices and who I allow to have an active role in my life.

Perhaps this comes down to more... do the benefits outweigh the costs?

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:25 am 
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Smilin

Thanks for sharing your experiences they are extremely helpful.

Quote:
i sometimes think too that having some close net friendships makes the lonliness factor even more difficult for some of the exact reasons you state- not getting that hug and/or not being able to take that walk or go for coffee or perhaps just bum it at home with the tv or radio on in the background.


Yes for sure. But also perhaps they have allowed me also to realize that there are people I can relate to out there. When I was sat in all the time, thinking there was no one out there for me and became very untrusting of everyone, the net was my first step back into the world of people. I have learned a lot from these friendships about my personal likes and dislikes, my personal boundaries of what is acceptable to me and what isn't.

I have and do benefit from online relationships with people. I discovered for example that some people are great to have a laugh on facebook with (to poke or throw pies at). That there are groups of people such as this one and other boards I post on that I can relate to others on. Others I can just generally chat to over an IM for example. In many different types of friendships / aquaintances with many different people.

For example where I may have felt I wasn't good enough as a single parent on benefits to talk with someone that has a husband and plenty of money. I learned that some of those ideas I had were incorrect. Age, race, religion, colour, creed, physical limitations, amuont of money one has, has no bearing on how I can relate to people nor what joy they can bring to my life.

It's those relationships that have opened my eyes. Helped me build up my sense of self.

I think it is those types of deeper realtionships online that have allowed me to trust myself more. To want to explore life beyond the net in the big scary world of 3d people. It's that which also create a longing for me to meet people for coffee, to hang out with etc...

I am learning plenty of lessons in communicating with people setting appropriate boundaries for myself etc...rather than leaping into close / overly trusting relationships with people I haven't gotten to know first.

Has been a pretty big journey for me. Perhaps has been about learning shades of grey! That my relationships to people outside of myself are as differing /unique and as individual as people themselves are.

Quote:
it is a sign i need to be more involved in daily life and get myself off the computer.


Thanks for the reminder, yes I wont make those 3d connections sat in front of a PC eh? Nor is the scenery as good ! I think I could need to balance this out again some more. Night with a drama group or night spent on line...I could do with a better mix of that.

Quote:
as far as missing yet wanting those closer 3d friendships, for me it takes time and patience with both myself and others.


Definately, I am learning the importance of allowing time and not rushing into things. I think that is why I say I have to accept that longing for closeness a while longer. Try not to dispell it by allowing people that bring me suffering in too close. To not compromise myself by looking back to people that can't provide me with this for various reasons

Quote:
it also helps when i am more focused on taking care of myself - even tho it may not be 'fun' stuff and/or i think i dont want to do it; if i do, it provides me a sense of myself and i again lose some of those feelings.


Yes this is a good point. Although I am the worlds worst at looking after me. If I bring that focus back in after a while some of the intensity of the loneliness does fade out. Behaving lovingly, respectfully towards myself is something I am trying to learn. It does help if I am nice to me.

Quote:
other times, yep, i can get quite uncomfortable and feed into it and then boy is that nasty


I do have a tendency to feed into it with unloveable and unwanted messages to myself...whch makes the whole thing ten times worse...I will watch out for this some more.

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Tracy formerly known as bogit


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