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 Post subject: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:44 pm 
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So RA says accept felinggs, observe....yep they are there for sure... not much I can do about...umm yep have to do nothing with those loneliness feelings...am sitting right now...but if ayone has any suggestions that doesnt mean acting unhealthy and will perhaps makes me feel better ...suggestions are welcome...till then feelings are !!! accept, accept and accept even more !

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:45 pm 
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and please edit your posts Tracy eh? that was feelings eh?

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:48 pm 
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Lonely and bored... sounds like me sometimes.

When I'm lonely and bored, I usually play an on-line game lol. For now, it seems to work.

Don't know if this will help you, but it's what I've found to help me.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:57 am 
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Yep online games are a good distraction!

It's those damn deep internal loneliness feelings, can't suggest to me lack of self care, so I will be thinking of doing something about that. I have people around so it isnt literal loneliness really, they just aren't bringing me those warm fuzzy feelings. Guess is down to me to bring me those.

I had hoped they would pass, but seems the are lingering, even though I am doing things.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:34 pm 
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I understand. Sometimes our feelings run very deep. I sometimes wonder if others feel the same, and I don't think so. I think it's the depth of our feelings that sets us apart. I think there are people who aren't considered bpd's that entertain deep emotions, don't get me wrong, but I think it's very common of bpd's to feel deeply. I have never liked it.

In fact, since I have been around bf a lot, I am starting to see the place where the feelings stop. I think I have read where his end. And it's nowhere near the depth of mine. I've been trying to go back to what I consider more shallowness, because I don't really WANT to feel that deeply lol. Seems like a whole lot more crap to deal with than most. At the same time, I can see the positives of it, but I really don't want to allow it all the time. It has led me to some places where I think I've learned a few lessons other people may never, but it sure can be a pain in the ass if I let it happen.

I do try to distract myself from it. I try not to indulge. But I know if I am too controlling, I will rage, so I work on letting it go a little at a time.

Do you think your loneliness might stem from not connecting with others who feel deeply? I find that if I am around more shallow people a lot, that I do feel lonely.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:11 pm 
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Quote:
Do you think your loneliness might stem from not connecting with others who feel deeply? I find that if I am around more shallow people a lot, that I do feel lonely.


Yes sure Aqua that is a really good point, being around like minded or people I can identify with is lacking at the moment. I have suffered a lot of loss this year, a good friend and my nan to death. My mum cos well she doesn't really want to know. My step mum and dad both have new partners and are very into them atm. A few aquaintances, friendships and the depth of those have changed, mainly brought about through change in me. I feel in limbo with regards to friendships. Depth takes some time to develop..and it is the longer term friendships I had that have changed / become more distant, despite me trying hard to keep them going, it seems many struggle with the changes in me. Which I guess is to be expected.

I am meeting new people everyday, the place I work at has a cafe and I spend a lot of time chit chatting there. I work with people so it's not like I am without human contact at all. But I do lack people to pick up the phone to and to meet up with to do things. It's great having the kids, I love them to pieces, but is very diff to sharing conversation with an adult.

Some of this I think is grief and perhaps a loss of support mechanisms, even though I can mostly stand on my own two feet, I feel like I am missing closer connections I guess.

I guess that is why I came and sat in Radical Acceptance seems the only place to go with this. I do feel isolated even though I have a busy work day and the children.

I am distracting plenty I have taken up painting, which is a great place to take my deeper emotions, and I enjoy it immensly. I have played the piano and dusted off my flute this afternoon. My new cello will arrive next week hopefully. I think this is worse at the end of the night, when the house is quiet more than during the day.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:04 pm 
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Tracy and Aqua, you both nailed the problem on the head! I also think we do feel more deeply than other people. The T who did my assessment and I believe Marsha Linehan also explain that one of the causes of BPD is that we are much more sensitive to certain issues (e.g. rejection/abandonment). I know this feeling of not being able to really connect to others only too well. I wear a mask and know to say the right things all the time but it is like the connection between my brain and my heart -for lack of a better word- is cut just like a nerve when you get paralyzed after an accident. I really don't feel anything but negative stuff like fury, anger, desparation. Never knew true happiness either, I guess because there are always the doubts that it will not last, that something bad will happen and take it away. And then there is the need to purposely keep a distance so that I don't feel the pain when I lose the people I care about. It is like living on the carpet, where it is dark but safe. If I step on a chair, I might see the light but I can fall down and that hurts, so I stay on the floor. I have lately perfected my attache no meaning to anyone to no meaning to anything. I lost people, so I don't want any. I also lost a lot of things (house, car etc.) so I do not get attached to material things either anymore. Only if I don't care at all, will I be able to prevent pain. If you don't want me, fine, I don't need you.
Does this make any sense at all to either one of you?
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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:08 pm 
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Tracy,

I think I see where you are standing.... that you had some close relationships, but circumstances have changed that, and you are feeling grief. I'm so sorry.

I can identify, but I don't really think I have ever had what I consider to be a really close relationship with a person who feels the same way I do, or who understands me. My bf is close and he cares, but we don't share that depth. I think I have just now peeled back the walls enough to realize that I am a big feeler. Thinking is important to me, and I did not ever want to accept what I am. I don't value it, I guess. But I think it's something I can work with to find the positives instead of trying to be something I am not.

I know that it takes time to understand and to form good, close relationships. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I suppose radical acceptance can help, in the way I recently have found it to work for me, and I do want to share that with you:

"I accept that I feel deeper than most people, and that what they feel and see is more shallow, but I can still connect with them in my own way."

More shallow things at times can be fulfilling for me, especially if I take on a mentoring stance.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:16 pm 
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Tracy,

I also wanted to say that I am proud of you for growing. The growth has led you to a place that is more difficult, but you continue. That is honorable.

And that I am jealous because you play so many instruments :D .... always something I wanted to do. I have a guitar, but I haven't been as consistent with practice as I would like to.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:33 am 
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Quote:
I lost people, so I don't want any. I also lost a lot of things (house, car etc.) so I do not get attached to material things either anymore. Only if I don't care at all, will I be able to prevent pain. If you don't want me, fine, I don't need you.
Does this make any sense at all to either one of you?


I found myself in a pretty similar position to this a number of years ago. To some extent it is true today even. Although I do fight it. Having spent some years since trying to recover from a state where I didn't ever go out, was content to stay cocooned in my own world, where people couldn't hurt me. I tempted back there often, but it has it's own negative implications, of keeping me stuck inside my own head. I was so bad then that I didn't leave the house unless I had to. Which also meant though I didn't work nor do much more than function on a daily basis. I became very depressed and numbed down to the outside world. Was a very extreme existance.

I don't have much attachment to material possesions, or didn't allow myself to for a very long time. I went into a refuge some years back and lost a lot of "stuff." I left my home with the bag on my back, with ID and a change of clothes each! I have next to nothing I haven't built up since that time. For a long time I didn't have anything I really wanted, more what I needed to function. At the time I felt what was the point, if it can get taken from me so easily. I am slowly recovering from this, but I now have a love of second hand and recycled goods. I learned to be creative with things that other people discarded. Can be a lot of fun....I guess now I am in a place that says no matter what I do or don't have I can and will survive and I have a pretty nice home for myself made from things that others considered landfill fodder.

The above mentioned cello is one of those purchases that will be a risk (in my eyes) something I want, as opposed to need, it is insured to the hilt!

Where people are concerned, yes to a certain extent that is true for me also. When I first arrived here and didn't know anybody I was very untrusting, and still am to an extent, I have made a lot of mistakes with my personal relationships over the years, I think though now I don't trust myself, to make the right relationship choices etc...

I spent a fair bit of time in MH hospitals etc...over the last few years and I guess I did meet people that were like minded, that I could identify with. Although, this has changed lately. I feel like I don't fit in there often either. They perhaps need more than I can provide and take care of myself. I struggle with this, cos I think I was raised to care about people, to look out for others and to put them ahead of myself....but am learning slowly that I need to take care of me first.

I hit on a few realizations lately about the people I tended to mix with. It seems I like to look after people, as I went through my own grief processes and struggled with physical illness this year though I have found those that could or would be in a position to support me some disappeared. I needed my resourses, had a very limited amount to give others. So in effect the friendships I had made were fairly unhealthy for me. Very one sided. I do wonder often how to have healthier ones, what stops me from being drawn into rescuing others. How do I know if I am setting myself up to fail? To become worn down within the friendship etc... I don't want to go back to not trusting anyone at all, more learning who and what I can trust and mostly learning to take care of me without being isolated.

I guess this is why I feel in limbo!

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:13 am 
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I don't really think I have ever had what I consider to be a really close relationship with a person who feels the same way I do, or who understands me.


This one is quite a biggie. I am pretty sure no one will ever think nor feel as I do, although there may be aspects of that in different friendships. No one can be everything.... I think I discovered lately. I often say to people "don't try and understand me I am not that understandable." My mind can go off at tangents often, and it must be hard for people to keep up sometimes. I guess this is why I journal/ write to myself so much. I have met one or two people though that generally get what I am getting at. or will t least take the time to ask. I guess these people are potentially closer to me than others.

Quote:
I am a big feeler


I think there are some bonuses to this. I write some pretty deep songs when I am in an emotional place. I think many of the greatest songs / novels ever written were creative in this kind of manner. There are many other places where this is an asset, although there are many in which it isn't. I tap into my creativity in a way to deal with this. Although, creativity and perfectionism had been a battle for me.

I can be a pretty big thinker also. I like to think me in circles often, something I am trying to get to grips with. If I channel thinking into exploring and learning new things, I seem to do a lot better.

(has me wondering too if I am missing my studying, having spent the last seven years doing a distance learning degree, perhaps my head is still wanting to learn something else new....I might need to take a look at this, and see if I can get my head into learning about something, philosophy and studying various religions, ideas and theories seems to curb some of this for me)

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I am jealous because you play so many instruments .... always something I wanted to do. I have a guitar, but I haven't been as consistent with practice as I would like to.


I used to use this as an excuse not to bother! lol

Did you notice I said I had dusted off? Hobbies don't have to be all or nothing either?

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 12:55 pm 
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tracy, im risking giving you my opinion here so do with it what you want. keep, toss.

i hope you dont limit yourself to "only" people who are "like you". what a mistake that would be. no one is like any of us,. we are unique individuals in this universe. no one can feel like you, or completely understand you. its your unique set of personality, genes, and history that made you YOU.

i think it would be a big mistake to only be around or give chances to someone you judged as "like you".

please try to not judge another, and be open to how unique we all are and how much we can learn from anyone. we ALL have cool little parts to us, it is what makes us all us.

just my 2 cents. hugs*

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 1:51 pm 
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I understand where you're coming from Jody. I think, though, for someone with borderline, maybe it's not surrounding yourself with people like you, but with people who have similar goals. People who also want happy, healthy lives. They may like country music, while I like rock. But if they're into going out to country bars (or any bars) and drinking and hooking up for fun, then that's probably not someone for me.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 2:38 pm 
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Tracy wrote:
Quote:
I don't really think I have ever had what I consider to be a really close relationship with a person who feels the same way I do, or who understands me.


This one is quite a biggie. I am pretty sure no one will ever think nor feel as I do, although there may be aspects of that in different friendships. No one can be everything.... I think I discovered lately. I often say to people "don't try and understand me I am not that understandable." My mind can go off at tangents often, and it must be hard for people to keep up sometimes. I guess this is why I journal/ write to myself so much. I have met one or two people though that generally get what I am getting at. or will t least take the time to ask. I guess these people are potentially closer to me than others.

To elaborate, what I was saying is that I don't think I've ever shared a relationship with anyone who shared my depth of feeling, not necessarily feels the same way I do. I don't think that's possible to feel the exact same way as someone else. The closest has been my bf now, as far as understanding goes. There is never anything I tell him that he doesn't have some understanding of, of the shoes I've walked in, but he still doesn't share the depth of feeling I do. I think what I have been feeling and seeing lately is that a lot of people are generally selfish and shallow, in that a lot of them just don't care to ask or understand, they are too busy pursuing their own selfish needs and wants. And I generally don't waste my time anymore on people like that, because I can't afford to take up their slack. I want deeper relationships, with people who can take care of things, people who will be there and know what to do when times get tough, people who are knowledgeable and who carry their own weight, people who know when to draw lines and people who are low tolerance on bs.
Tracy wrote:
Quote:
I am a big feeler


I think there are some bonuses to this. I write some pretty deep songs when I am in an emotional place. I think many of the greatest songs / novels ever written were creative in this kind of manner. There are many other places where this is an asset, although there are many in which it isn't. I tap into my creativity in a way to deal with this. Although, creativity and perfectionism had been a battle for me.

I can be a pretty big thinker also. I like to think me in circles often, something I am trying to get to grips with. If I channel thinking into exploring and learning new things, I seem to do a lot better.

(has me wondering too if I am missing my studying, having spent the last seven years doing a distance learning degree, perhaps my head is still wanting to learn something else new....I might need to take a look at this, and see if I can get my head into learning about something, philosophy and studying various religions, ideas and theories seems to curb some of this for me)

Yes, I can see some benefits to it as well. The one you mentioned, creativity. I spent so many years with my feelings stuffed in, and trying to control my impulses through alcohol and drugs. I think that now I am allowing my feelings to flow, they are not so intense. It seemed that I would stuff them away and then explode and rage. I also would like to study Christianity (and will at some point). I've never liked being a feeler, which is why I think I ended up with walls a mile thick, that and to try and curb my impulsivity and drives to be the wrong kind of person.

As far as channeling thoughts, I have to be very careful with mine, because I will continue to rehash the past if I don't focus my mind on today. So I do try to remain focused on today-activities and learning, lately, cooking and writing code. I also do so much better when I am working towards goals I have set.
Tracy wrote:
Quote:
I am jealous because you play so many instruments .... always something I wanted to do. I have a guitar, but I haven't been as consistent with practice as I would like to.


I used to use this as an excuse not to bother! lol

Did you notice I said I had dusted off? Hobbies don't have to be all or nothing either?


Yea, true. I keep Planning to do it..... lol.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:46 pm 
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i hope you dont limit yourself to "only" people who are "like you"


I am pretty sure it isn't what you meant Jody but I read this and thought, I am unique in my own special way so its hard to come across people that are just like me.

I do think it is more as Trinity said having people around that I share something in common with.

I am not saying even really I don't interact with people I used to because I do, just the depth of the friendships have changed over time, as we seem to be moving in different directions. I no longer for example find interest in the price of nappies as I don't have a baby...not that I don't listen but I have not really got an opinion on the subject. Most of the things we differ on are a lot bigger than this tho. I don't drink /they spend the majority of their free time getting plastered for example. Not that I can't go along and not drink on occassion, but it does bore me more than once in while now.

I do hear what you are saying though Jody, yes everyone has the potential to bring me something and often do....but they don't always wanna come and watch the same movie as I, or have a jam session, nor might they like chatting on the phone, which I love doing. It's those kinds of things I am missing out on.

I am going to try and do something about it, but come 7pm when the kids hit the hay , it would be great to have someone to ring for a chat for example.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 7:41 pm 
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I think I see where you might be. There was a time when I did not have any friends, because I stopped all my old shenanigans, and I had to redefine what I was looking for in a friend, and go out there and find some. I just wasn't the same person anymore (thank God). I still haven't met as many as I would like, but I made a great start with my bf.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 11:03 pm 
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you are entitled to your view, Trinity, as i am. i simply gave another view to Tracy.

i have friends from all walks of life. some love country and i am a oldies rock person. some are young, some older than me. some black, some white, some gay, some bi, some straight.

one of my best pals in my life has been a girl who ran a bar, was a hooker, and took drugs. she is just the best person and most fun, and guess what? i dont do drugs, drink, or hook.

so IMHO, altho i know some hate me saying that, i do not believe in limiting myself to any one set of judgements. if so, i would have a very narrow field of applicants. they must be in counseling, like my music, my dress, and have my beliefs. HAHA.

i think one of the many problems many have is this narrow set of rules they judge someone by. age? color? likes or dislikes? you could have just walked by a potential wonderful friend who lives and let lives, like i do.

nothing my pals do has anything to do with me, in that jody runs with her so she must be the same or jody needs to do drugs because her pal jane does. it isnt how I work. they liked me for me, and i liked them for them.

Trinity,. just because they "go out to country bars and hook up" doesnt mean you also have to. it means everyone is a individual and we shouldnt look for our own versions of us when we are scoping out others. i didnt do a thing my pal did, nor any of them unless its something i want to do as me. they certainly taught me tons.

so i respect your choice to have your view, and i take my opportunity to say mine.

im glad tracy did this thread, cause one thing i pity in people is the view they have of others and how limited they keep themselves with it.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:08 am 
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so you know, i wasnt meaning you or anyone in particular. i was speaking more in a general term....

i think we may talking on 2 diff things somehow...as you said...""""I don't drink /they spend the majority of their free time getting plastered for example. Not that I can't go along and not drink on occassion, but it does bore me more than once in while now.""". i dont see why you cant have pals and not do everything they do. i dont understand that. so maybe im lost..lol.....

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:52 am 
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I think it can be difficult and very lonely when you're changing and moving forwards in life, and those around you aren't. Or even just if you're going in different directions. People do change and grow apart, and it can take time to make new connections.

I used to love going out drinking with my colleagues because, well, I got to get drunk. ;) As I got healthier and became less interested in that, I realised I had very little in common with most of them. They talk about celebrities a lot and that bores me to tears! They're lovely people but I'd rather spend time with people I can have a decent conversation with about an interest we both share. I also found they tried to persuade me to drink more than is really safe for me to do.

FWIW I find I can follow your posts and you don't go off on too many tangents. I think it's because you use paragraphs! ;)

M xx

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:03 am 
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I guess Jody perhaps we aren't thinking you mean the same thing. I think I hear you say I could be making all out judgements of certain people based on some of the things they do, they do a certain thing which makes them a certain kind of person. I don't think I am doing this, but I will keep an eye out for it!

I guess what I identified during the course of this thread is that I have some un met needs. I guess I am trying to suss out what they are, and working out what I can do about that, whether that means doing something for myself, or meeting other l people to share interests with.

I have also identified that I have a lot of friendships /aquaintances that rely on me a lot. When I need to take care of me they don't understand that, and take it as an opportunity to consider me to be a "heartless B***h," It has happened on more than one occassion with more than one person lately. I didn't abandon them, I was just ill, or needing to look out for me. I am identifying that I have changed / am changing and a number of my closer friendships are not surviving no matter how hard I try. Some are just taking on a new place in my life. They don't like me changing. Also has a small matter of me laying down boundaries and those closer friends not understanding my need to take care of me are painting ME all bad for doing so.

That although I like doing things for other people, and I benefit from that, that there is only so much expoundable energy. yet these same people if I need something, are unable for whatever reason to give me something back very often. Its a balance issue! If no energy is coming back in, I can and have been burning out, giving too much of myself, and not taking care of me enough.

I am also acknowledging that I don't like losing friendships and if that is being enforced by another I have very little choice but to accept that, and move on.

In the meantime, yes I feel I have been lacking something from my personal life in companionship, still am feeling it today, it isn't a great feeling, but I am trying still very hard not to judge myself for it, nor go looking for it where I know it isn't.

I reminding me to take things slower when I meet new people, not go rushing in too fast. It take time to build up trust, it isn't something I have to hand over the minute I lay eyes on someone.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:47 am 
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if i may add another additional view here that i feel or believe. .

friends seem to come into our lives for reasons. and most wont stay forever. i have read into some of this as the word friend seems to mean something diff to some of you than it does to me. perhaps therein lies the issue.

perhaps i have diff expectations also, and therein lies another issue.

im not sure i understand you correctly, tracy. i am not sure i follow your train of thought in the same way you mean it.

mostly i was addressing some other posts on here about how limited i felt it was to "sort" out people in the way i heard it. you never know, you could change the person who drinks and parties all the time by being yourself and not following them all the time. you might find you like some country music (just using the example given) and they might like some rock! it broadens us to step out. it gets us out of our little "room" we stay in. it makes us a more interesting, better person to not put limits on ourselves. to not put limits on others. we get too comfy in our little "rooms".

i hope you find what your looking for, tracy. maybe you are ready to have some pals and this is the first step in finding them. i think only having certain personality traits in common wont "make" a friend tho.

it sounds like your a bit angry and confused at your "friends" lack of consideration for you?

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:29 pm 
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I think Jody what I am seemingly getting to is that yes I have lots of people in my life, they do all bring me different things for sure. I have been looking at this using the worksheet Ann posted in the resources area of the board. I do not have a shortage of people around me. I sit in the cafe knitting or playing scrabble with some, there are others that I meet at the school gates. They all are good connections for sure.

It really is some of those closer inner circle friendships / relationships I am lacking. I do actually have those kinds of friendships with people on line, just not that I can hang out at the park with etc...

Ya know very, very often I want a hug....I get loads of cyber hugs, I love them, but ya know sometimes it would be real nice to have friends that will give me ones I can feel without having to use my imagination eh?

I accept what you are saying Jody and I am not over looking those people at all I value them also.

I isnt about personality traits as such to me, more that connection that grows over a period of time, ya know like a bud you could tell pretty much most things and they wont feel too much the worst of you for it. Those that can accept when today is a bad day, that I haven't cut them off just cos I am having one. People I can be myself with that can generally accept those lil nuances I have. That can accept that if I am unable to pick up their shopping today because I have a lot on that is ok and doesn't rock their world...

I have been looking at ME.... a habit I seem to have of rescuing people...recognising that that isnt a healthy thing to do.

I am recognising that I have at times allowed people to walk all over me in the name of keeping the peace.

A lot of this is down to me. A lot of this feels like change to people that have come to see me in this role in their lives.

I am recognizing that although I feel lonely for those deeper friendships they aren't going to happen over night.

Am I angry with my friends? No I don't think I am. I am seeing that my place with them and theirs with me has changed. Not necessarily for the worse either.

I am a tad perplexed at how a very long term friend can turn her back on me because she can't have something her own way and instead painted the whole friendship from that point....but that is her choice. Was I angry? No not really .... hurt at the time perhaps, some of that came out as self directed anger because I took too much responsibility for it.

See the thing is it is new for me to consider looking after me. I am not that comfortable with it all. I would much rather not have a conflicting view from other people etc... but it happens and perhaps I am learning some about what I need / want from my friendships rather than always looking to meet the needs of others. Accepting that I perhaps over invest in other people and that comes at a price to my own health and well being.

I simply set down a few boundaries. Sure I don't have to judge the fact that someone chooses to take cocaine, but what I can do is remove myself and my children from having to take care of them when they do. If that makes me a bad person in their eyes, then so be it. I can try and explain my reasons I can try and compromise and only agree to meet up with them when they haven't taken such, but if that means to them I can't be their friend, what am I to do? I have to stop giving into people and accepting whatever they throw my way, just cos I choose not to judge them for the choices they make?

It has however left me feeling lonely! For the time being.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:19 pm 
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""""Sure I don't have to judge the fact that someone chooses to take cocaine, but what I can do is remove myself and my children from having to take care of them when they do""""

exactly.

i really want to answer this but im afraid i might get in trouble again for voicing my opinions. here goes! arent i becoming brave? lol.

i have found, in my own living, that tending to me myself does cause issues with some. here on the board is a good example. how often do i get in trouble for my views or posting with my personality type>? it has been a struggle to know what to do. and when to do it. and when to listen and when to say nope, this is me. its very scary for me. maybe also for you, i dont know.

now, druggies, some druggies, i wont mess with. they are not to be trusted, will steal ya blind, use you up, and spit you out. i had a close pal who was like a brother to me. he got into cocaine and meth and i finally said, i dont want to hear your shit any longer.

its individual deals. no one size fits all.

i think the fact your looking outward for some friends is a good thing. your not going blindly in, your not accepting being what another wants, yet you want others in your life. i think thats great! big step.

oh, i would kill for a real hug. or a compliment. i have had maybe 3 people in my entire life the way you describe.

i would suggest this. friends should be equals. not "picking up something for them" etc but a equal. go into it expecting that.

i better stop.

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:49 pm 
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Tracy wrote:
Sure I don't have to judge the fact that someone chooses to take cocaine, but what I can do is remove myself and my children from having to take care of them when they do. If that makes me a bad person in their eyes, then so be it. I can try and explain my reasons I can try and compromise and only agree to meet up with them when they haven't taken such, but if that means to them I can't be their friend, what am I to do? I have to stop giving into people and accepting whatever they throw my way, just cos I choose not to judge them for the choices they make?



Tracy,

I just wanted to make the point that:

I have explored judgments a while back, there is a thread around here somewhere.... and judgments are a necessary part of life. I judge, I am happy with the judgments I make, and I will continue to judge. A judgment is defined as:

1 a: a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion b: an opinion so pronounced2 a: a formal decision given by a court b (1): an obligation (as a debt) created by the decree of a court (2): a certificate evidencing such a decree3 acapitalized : the final judging of humankind by God b: a divine sentence or decision; specifically : a calamity held to be sent by God4 a: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing b: an opinion or estimate so formed5 a: the capacity for judging : discernment b: the exercise of this capacity6: a proposition stating something believed or asserted

A judgment is simply the forming of an opinion by discerning and comparing. In order to know you need to remove your kids from a bad situation, you would have to judge - to form the opinion that taking cocaine isn't right for them. Judgments are necessary in life. Without judgments, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I'm gonna find that thread for ya'....

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 Post subject: Re: Umm lonely and yep bored aswell
PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:51 pm 
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http://board.bpdrecovery.com/viewtopic. ... =judgement

Here it is. :D

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