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 Post subject: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:51 am 
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so, i posted in deep blue about my generalized sadness and my disconnect from humanity. my deep belief that i will always be broken and will never be able to be fixed... it was suggested that my thinking was twisted and to post here instead.............

what is my twisted thinking? i will never be loved (some guy just booted me to the curb and broke my heart). I will never succeed at anything (i've been going to school for the past 10 years and i still don't have an associate's degree). i'm unattractive (too tall, too chubby, too frizzy... too big, I suppose). i will never be fixed.

umm... i guess to untwist it. even if i die a lonely old spinster cat lady, my cats will love me. and i might get lucky with the mailman a time or two. i will succeed at getting old if i don't succeed at not getting old first. either way, win win situation. w00t. um... unattractive. i'm just unattractive to the guy i want, not unattractive to guys i don't want. i guess that counts. i will never be fixed (ie normal) is a more difficult twisty thinking thing- like the alliteration? i guess i could be philosophical and ponder the meaning of what is normal anyhow and just conclude that my cats won't mind the fact that i'm broken as long as i feed them.

there you go... i'm a bitter depressed sad person with twisted thinking and a broken soul who can't even conceive of a time when i won't be in my cold dark lonely room except when i get shoved out in the maelstrom of emotion that surrounds it. and then i just want to get back into my room.

sigh. sorry.


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 Post subject: Re: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:28 am 
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Hi prttybelle. I'm Harmonium. I appreciate that you are trying to untwist. I have been reading your posts and I am concerned about you. I would like to see you feeling better. I know what it is like to feel the way you do, I used to feel that way too.

You say you are broken and cannot be fixed. That you are unattractive. That.....the list goes on. My point is, do you speak to your beloved cat's like this? Do you tell them how fat they are or how terrible they are for being lazy? That they must be broken because they can't get jobs or talk to you? I realize this is an exteme example, but there was a time in my life where I only had my pets. And I would never, ever think of talking to them in such a way. I doubt you do either. I bet you pamper them with love and affection. I bet you love them as they are.

I'm wondering if you can't try to do the same for yourself. We hear what we tell ourselves. So, if we tell ourselves all the time how terrible we are, that's exactly how we will percieve ourselves. Converesly, if we tell ourselves of the good parts (and yes, they are there) within us, that is what our subconscious will come to know. Untwist. I urge you to give yourself the same love or at the very least the same speech you would give your cats. Don't you deserve as much as a cat? I believe you do and I don't even know you yet. I would like to get to know you, though.

There are other ways to untwist here

Keep at it, your doing fine! :D

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Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:12 pm 
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Prttybelle, I'm glad you came here and tried to look at your thinking. My mom always told me when I was a kid that the things we tell ourselves become true, and it wasn't until I was almost 40 that I learned that she was right! What we think shapes our world.

I'd like for you to go look at the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking and compare the things you're posting about to that list. Which of the Ten Forms do you see yourself doing? If you are tempted to say "all" or even "most," try to narrow it down to 2 or 3 that you think you do most. Reply back here and then let's look at ways to untwist the thinking -- resulting in new messages you can tell yourself that will help build you up.

jim

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 Post subject: Re: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:28 pm 
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To help with the first step in untwisting as Harmonium suggested, which first step is to 'identify the distortion', you would go to the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking' (as noted and linked by Jim.

Why not run your belief/thought that you "can't be fixed" through the Ten Forms [which I'm posted below to make it easier] to try to find the distortions:
Quote:
1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

Don't forget to review the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking as part of your Five Step work!


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 Post subject: Re: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:03 am 
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thank you for your posts... i'm in a bad way right now.... sigh.

so, following instructions, i picked 4 out of 10 of the twisty thinking things:

1. overgeneralization: how do i do this? i feel depressed and down now and that means i'll always feel this way. i'll never get better and it will always be like this. i opened up to two guys and both of them rejected me so i'll never be loved. because of that experience there is nothing about me that can be loved.

1a. i won't always feel depressed and down. there are some days when i'm feeling downright frisky and bubbly and those days will come again. if i got worse then i can better. it should go both ways. i just picked the wrong guys and maybe they rejected me because of their own issues and not mine. my cats like me so there has to be something loveable about me. i also have close friends who like me lots.

2. mental filter: how do i do this? for the past 3 days i've been dwelling on some hurtful remarks that my roommate who doesn't love me said in an email. things like how he's tired of hiding the knives and pills and how he can't trust me to act like an adult and how i need to grow up. its colored everything because i can't stop thinking about it and obsessing....

2a. ok, technically i am an adult. looking at it from a different perspective its easy to see that he was being unnecessarily vicious in order to hurt me. i have a full time job and i go full time to school. i try to take responsibility for my actions.

3. jumping to conclusions: how do i do this? when people are mad, i automatically assume that they are mad at me and it makes me anxious and scared and panicky.

3a. i can't be the only one who makes people mad in this world. people get pissed at other people all the time without me being involved directly at all.

4. should statements: i should be more successful, i should be thinner, i should be making more money, i should have finished school...

4a. i'm better off than some people and worse off than others. i have to work with the many limitations that i have which has prevented me from going to school, from completing my degree, from focusing- at least i'm working on it instead of just dwelling on it and wishing i had done stuff different.

is that what everyone is basically trying to get at? look at the ways you think that's twisty and try to straighten it out?


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 Post subject: Re: ability to be fixed
PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:39 am 
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Very well done, Prttybelle! :) How do you feel about having done this exercise? Did it help at all?


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