Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Sun Sep 23, 2018 2:53 am

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:42 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 422
Selfish.

That is what is running through my head I am selfish.

I'm merely trying to look at paths for my future... finally believe I have one.
I can see a future beyond being a single mum and my life being for my kids. Even while they are here I am learning what it is to take care of me.

It still feels selfish...... negatively selfish
Am sure is past thoughts..... seem unable to spin around atm.

_________________
"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:53 am 
Community Member
Community Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 867
Tracy, wanting a life for yourself beyond your kids and being a single Mom is not selfish at all. You've got to keep telling that to yourself. Are you scared? Maybe you've been hiding behind being a single Mom and focusing all of your attention on your kids. Not that kids don't need/want our undivided attention for years and years! But now that you're healthier, I think you can see that you deserve to pay attention to yourself too. The woman in the mirror is not selfish! She can be the wonderful mother that she is, and take care of her needs too.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:48 pm 
Community Leader
Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am
Posts: 1465
What do the facts show?

Ya know, I felt like this a lot. Sometimes still do. But in truth, my actions were not selfish ones (mostly, I am human). The reality was not matching up with the fear, the negative self-talk.

That said, IMO, recovery does have to have some inherent selfishness to it, doesn't it? Not excessive or anything.....but how does one figure out who one really is and what one wants out of life (sometimes gaining a whole new appreciation of these things) without some inward-turning thoughts and behaviors?

The fact that during this recovery process, some selfishness is required does not mean that it's not the thing to be done. Isn't it more selfish to continue to hurt yourself and your loved ones with the state of your illness? To continue on year after year in full-BPD mode--isn't that more selfish than taking whatever time and resources you need to get better? I dunno...it just seems that whatever selfishness needed for the recovery to take place is the 'better' course of action, for all of my loved ones including myself, in the long run. Looking at that big picture helps.

I suppose I'm trying to say it's not so black and white, selfish or selfless. There has to be a balance for it to work. Finding that middle ground and learning to live there--now, that's the trick! After spending so many, many years with that pendulum swinging wildly, allowing it to find it's rhythm in the middle is still an issue for me.

Quote:
I can see a future beyond being a single mum and my life being for my kids. Even while they are here I am learning what it is to take care of me.

Sounds like a really beautiful thought to me, Tracy. If you don't want these things and make them happen for yourself, who will?

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:18 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:27 am
Posts: 24
Location: Dublin, Ireland
What exactly do you think is selfish, Tracy?


Does the thought of perhaps falling in love with somebody, and doing something that isn't necessarily "for your kids" make you feel guilty? If so, know that your children are their own person too - they have a life outside of their relationship with you, and sooner or later that will manifest in ways you might not like. For example, moving out or getting a boyfriend or girlfriend.

This WILL happen. And if you live your life just for your kids, when the time comes for them to grow up and fly the nest, you will begin to resent them for doing so. You need to have your own life outside of your kids. I know it might seem a little selfish now, but both your kids and your future self will thank you if you do so.

_________________
My blog, documenting my recovery from BPD.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 1:57 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 422
Borderlineguy

sorry dont like ur name btw

but you just hit home
will explain why later

but thx,
and wondering and H....
but when something hits and hurts you know you need to step back and take notice imo

_________________
"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 5:16 pm 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 422
Ok is nothing hidden in above post.

This question gives me pause for thought

Quote:
doing something that isn't necessarily "for your kids" make you feel guilty?


Yes it makes me think

In an introspective way I am thinking about that question. Cos yes it does.

Guilt is inhibitative. (sp?)
Yep I do, I feel guilty.

So I am looking at why and how

Quote:
You need to have your own life outside of your kids


Yes I hear this and is where the I am selfish mechanism kicks in.

Yep future is a very new concept to me.... but thanks.

_________________
"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:31 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:27 am
Posts: 24
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Tracy wrote:
sorry dont like ur name btw

What has my name got to do with anything?


If you dislike my name, that is your problem, not mine. You need to own your feelings - they are yours, and nobody else is responsible for them.

_________________
My blog, documenting my recovery from BPD.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:31 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 12:04 pm
Posts: 72
My two cents to you Tracy are that getting better requires one to be selfish, and in that you are making a good attempt to ensure your kids are raised right. Look up the word in the dictionary, and see that it is not as ugly as so many perceive it to be. If you were to do nothing about your illness, flip out on your kids constantly because of it, and didn't care about where your life was leading at all, that would be selfish. You are being bold and brave, and honestly just need to tell yourself that. Write it on a post it, stick it somewhere you look everyday, and come up with some other affirmations to get your head on track when it's not (and let's face it love, we all get to that point, ill or not).

Some other "selfish" things (that you could try, they help me),

Write a list of 50 positive qualities about yourself. Putting stuff down like "I'm a good mom" doesn't count. Put down WHY you are a good mom, what makes you that awesome parent to your kids. Write down the things that make you YOU. If you can't come up with 50 yourself, start with 25 and ask those that love you if they can help. Tell them you are doing a self esteem booster (as it sounds like you need one atm) and that you need help finding some of your positive qualities. ** Asking your kids would give you honest answers, and show them the importance of self esteem too).

Also, if you can get your hands on it, or download it or something, see if you can get "Lighten Up" by Sandy Queen. Funniest thing you'll see in awhile, and it offers a lot of insight when you're feeling blue (or just frazzled, or just blah). Alot of good advice in it, and delivered through the form of comedy (I nearly peed myself, and literally cried in laughter).

Aside from that, many hugs to your in your time of mental turmoil (god, I hate it too). You'll come through it healthier, you'll learn to love yourself eventually and learn to not feel bad for being selfish (which really is just looking out for yourself, someone's gotta) at some point. Remember that feeling selfish will pass, just like all of the distorted (and not distorted) thoughts and feelings we have, and you never gotta look back at it. Hugs, hope I've been of some help (I'm still new to this lol)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:38 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 12:04 pm
Posts: 72
If you dislike my name, that is your problem, not mine. You need to own your feelings - they are yours, and nobody else is responsible for them.[/quote]


With regards to this comment Tracy, I understand how it's hard sometimes, a lot of how we take things comes from our self esteem (something I"m just learning in my recovery program) and a lot of it is stuff from the past, or just distorted core beliefs. You do have to own your feelings, but I guess it could have been said a little nicer. I'm becoming a lot more sensitive to myself and others through this program, and hope you can learn to be more gentle on yourself.

" If you treated your friends the way you treat yourself, would you have any? Jack Canfield.

Very true words. Take a look at it deeper, and see where you can make improvements to yourself love.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:21 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm
Posts: 422
Borderline guy

You are right your name had nothing to do with your post. I did post the other night when I was feeling emotional. I apologise for the way I commented about your name. Not that it really matters my reason for disliking people using a borderline label is just my opinion about use of a term that describes a condition they have and not them as a person. My opinion I could have kept it to myself. I have no idea why I commented as I did. I rushed in and responded and wasn't thinking coherantly. I did come to realise what I had done and consequently stepped out in order to gain hold of my more objective mind. You are correct my feelings are mine and for me to deal with. You made some great comments and I appreciate them.

Keekster I appreciate your post, some great ideas thank you.

I am stepping away, not entirely, but out of posting on the board. I need to do some personal work on this, sort out some affaris with work, deal with my emotions and will check back in in a few days.

_________________
"And knowing is half the battle" GI Joe PSA

Tracy formerly known as bogit


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:16 am 
New Member
New Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:27 am
Posts: 24
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Thanks for your response Tracy.

_________________
My blog, documenting my recovery from BPD.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 6:03 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 12:04 pm
Posts: 72
Good luck in your trials and best wishes for clarity Tracy.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 3:54 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:19 am
Posts: 274
My old t once told me that if it felt wrong inside, it was probably healthy because I was so used to the unhealthy thoughts (i.e. being selfish is bad) that the healthy perceptions felt wrong. I used to have major issues with the whole "I feel selfish" thing. But she used to tell me that I needed to be selfish and that being selfish isn't necessarily bad. I think with the word selfish, you have to take out the emotional associations you have with the word.

Is it selfish of me to take care of myself? Maybe, BUT if I NEED to be selfish so I can be emotionally, physically, spiritually healthier than in that instance me being selfish is a good and healthy thing.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Need some untwisting
PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:42 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:35 pm
Posts: 36
Location: Near Pittsburgh, PA
I would not say selfish, but I would say self CARING.

BIG DIFFERENCE. Think about that one and I know if you're like me you already have the ability to untwist the two deffinitions on your own. Take some time to think about this and I'm sure when you realize that it's not selfish, rather self CARING, than you'll be fine and you can move forward, especially after reading some other comforting replies from other members on your post.

_________________
People have it all wrong about me. They think that if they worship me now, that will guarantee they get into heaven. This could be further from the truth. Enjoy the many gifts I have given you to enjoy now and worry about worshiping me when we meet.

Love Always and Forever,
God


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group