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 Post subject: Twisting/Splitting/Identity
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 2:43 pm 
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(prologue, quotes in italics are from my husband, "he" refers to my husband of course)

An absence of real conversation leaves time for self-conversation. For this reason, I can not be left alone. My mind doesn't function properly, and my thoughts are far beyond reality. They begin with reality until my mind filters them through multiple layers of crazy strainers and convert them into these delusions. These conclusions go through an extensive unrealistic evolution, but the more I think, the more I believe them. They start with reality, like I said, then when I misunderstand and lack a definition of meaning or reality, the illusion begins. I build up this false impression of verbalizations or situations, and then I turn them over in my head, adding my own delusional thought process into the mix. When it's all boiled down, I'm left with this product that inhibits my happiness because the end product is almost never a positive interpretation.

Initially after this, the rational portion of my mind believes this end product is bullshit. So the cycle reverses as I backtrack and try to separate what delusional thoughts I added to reality. In the midst of this reversal, I start seeing loopholes in the real meaning or explanation of things. If there is no direct confirmation of the reality or how it was meant to be output, I deny it completely right then. Then the thought process goes back into the crazy filtering stage, although by this time, there really isn't a hope left for a positive outcome. I find a negative argument for every piece of the reality and start believing that my delusion actually isn't so misleading after all (i.e. thinking it's reality). After this stage, even direct confirmation doesn't remove all doubt. It will usually eat at me after all of this.

"'If only I could find someone who was half as fucked up as me, at least then we'd have a general respect for each other and would be able to relate. They'd be just as successful as I was with carrying the baggage. [a quote from something I had written]'

I love this. [his reply to this quote]"

He doesn't love this anymore. I'm a crazy fucking broad who is too much to endure 80% of the time (I can't even stand myself most of the time, because I'm so self-loathing), and the rest of that percentage is spent being a golden angel to make up for mental faulty wiring and make him happy like I want to. Sometimes I wonder why I try to make up for this, because it doesn't make up for my shitty actions. I accept that I'm mathematically retarded, but I do know that "80% = 20%" is not a true statement. He's getting the short straw on this deal, and it isn't fair by any justification, irrational or not.

When we first met, he constructed this perfect image of who he perceived I was. He even said if he dreamed up a perfect girl, I would be it. I put so much effort in to tearing this false impression down because I didn't believe it was me entirely, but to no avail. Nothing would make him think differently of me. Even the above quote was something I said to him as a warning. At first I wouldn't allow him to let his imagination of me run wild, because that would be deceiving him and even worse, allowing him to deceive himself. I spent countless hours trying to make him understand what a horrible fucking person I was. Eventually his refusals to believe the "real" Jess lead me to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't fucked up. He's a brutally honest person, and has been since the moment we met, so I was starting to question whether I had a valid reason not to believe his perception of me. Maybe that was the real me. It wasn't about allowing him to think good of me, it had turned into allowing myself to "accept" that I was a good person. This logical thought process birthed a self-deception that I may not be as bad a person as I thought.

Bad idea. After this, I lowered barriers inside of my brain, but they were not barriers to protect myself from him or emotional commitment, but to protect myself from me. I was quarantining a part of myself that was capable of positive illusion and believing I am a mentally healthy person. I was keeping this personal portion imprisoned so I wouldn't allow myself to evolve positive illusion into denial, and finally into self-deception; thus, end up fucking my mentality up more than it already was. Before this, I had to suck it up and tell myself I was partially crazy and people who involved themselves with me would have to deal with it or disconnect themselves from me, but he changed my mind. So now I am left to battle two different self-deceptions metastasizing within my brain, self-deception of reality and self-deception of myself.

Then comes the analyzation of said self-deceptions. Before delving into any further self-explanation, I have to say that I swear there are two different people inside of me that are always in conflict with each other. The two are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Different decisions are made from these two, and of course, I have two entirely different descriptions of the two, happy-go-lucky Jess and bad, mentally inhibited Jess. With using the first person "I", I do not mean to imply a third person, instead just a tiny part of my (sane) brain that exists in a limbo of the two. This tiny bit of sanity existing in the grey area has to work out which of the two is right. Is believing I'm a good person actually self-deception, or is it an opinion influenced from the shitty part of me denying I am good? This is where the biggest problem lies, because I don't know. I can't choose between which one is the real me and which one isn't. I end up rejecting one or the other at different times. It depends which one is overpowering the other at that time. I have complications finding a compromise between the two, but doing this is the only way to be healthy and stop fighting with myself.

"Listen to me! I am yelling, and I have never yelled at anyone in my life!"
"You're fucking insane."
"You're so negative all the time!"
"I'm fucking disgusted."
"You're just like everyone else."

I am bringing out the worst in him.. I feel so bad that he has to deal with this. I destroy everything I touch. It is true that mentally ill people drag everyone around them down with them. I'm a cancer. The worst part for me is accepting that I've disappointed him and fell significantly short to his intitial encounter with the good side of me. He built me up, and I let him down.. I just want to fix myself so I can be healthy. I'm already trying so hard to be the person he wants me to be, and it's who I want to be. It's who I wanted to be before I met him. He's just the catalyst.

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