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 Post subject: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:33 pm 
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Trying to untwist my wacked out head ...

I'm alone and in Colorado. It's not safe. I'm never going to find someone who is actually there for me and who loves me for me. Everyone always leaves, like Chris left. I'm never good enough to stick around for. And now I feel like the last two years was just a waste - no future so what's the point? Now, I have to start my life over again and not only am I scared, but I'm just plain exhausted. It's too much anxiety and I don't want to deal with it.

Okay, I see overgenalization and emotional reasoning. Maybe some all-or-nothing thinking...

I'm sorry, this is not making me feel better. I'm holding on by my fingertips here because I feel like I"m going to freak out at any moment. I'm supposed to remind myself that I am safe and I am strong. I sure as hell don't feel safe or strong. I feel like my emotions are going to jump out of my skin at any moment and attack me. There's a battle inside. How can I tell if I'm winning?

Feelings do not equal reality. Feelings do not equal reality. I am okay in this moment. I am connected in this moment. I will be okay. (And if I"m not then I'll be dead and then I'll be okay too.)

My head hurts ......

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:44 pm 
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((((pip)))),

I think you did a good job of untwisting even though you're in distress. It does seem like a lot of it is emotional reasoning. You're right. Feelings do not equal reality. I can use that right now because I'm been feeling sad about missing my T again. Remember that feelings change. You won't feel the same way all the time. You're in a difficult position right now, but you're working hard to deal with it. :thumbsup


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:27 pm 
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Thanks wondering.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:57 am 
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Good job, Pip, good start! :D

Now that you realize your twisted thoughts, the trick becomes getting yourself to think in that untwisted way as often as possible. Sounds silly, but just re-framing my thoughts has done wonders for me! Even if it doesn't feel 'right' at first.....give it some time to sink in if you can.

Quote:
I'm alone and in Colorado. It's not safe.

What ACTIONS can you take that will help you to feel safe, without involving anyone else? What can you do about this? What makes you feel safer with someone than without them? (aren't you still in the same place?, do you know how to defend yourself if the occasion arose? is there any activity that you can do to meet people so that you don't feel alone?) Who is Pip-- just Pip, without outside influence?

Quote:
I'm sorry, this is not making me feel better. I'm holding on by my fingertips here because I feel like I"m going to freak out at any moment. I'm supposed to remind myself that I am safe and I am strong. I sure as hell don't feel safe or strong. I feel like my emotions are going to jump out of my skin at any moment and attack me. There's a battle inside. How can I tell if I'm winning?

Why not allow yourself to 'freak out'? I mean, allow those emotions to come out of you while you are in a safe place like your home? Why not feel all of this and then let it go? What would that look like to you?

Oh, and in my book, you are winning as long as you keep fighting--- which you are doing now very well.

Really try to remember, even in the heat of all this........perception= thoughts. Thoughts= feelings. Feelings=momentary.
If you can control your perceptions about your situation (re-frame them) then your thoughts about the situation (again, re-frame when you can) then your emotional response to the situation will be different.

It amazes me still as part of this recovery process, how much 'control' I do indeed have over my emotions. By choosing my thoughts and perceptions, I effect my emotional response. I choose. So can you!

It doesn't happen right away. In fact, I can't look at a single day where I said "wow, that was all I had to do!" This stuff is not easy and comes very gradually. But it does indeed come. Climbing a mountain begins with one small step.......then plodding along until the summit is reached. You have begun to climb that mountain.....now plod along, the summit is waiting for you!!

(((((pip)))))

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 12:00 pm 
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Pip, for what it's worth, I was saying the exact same things ten years ago - in the same state!

It sounds like you're looking ahead and seeing that you have to go so far and climb so high and seen that way, it couldn't possibly be anything other than outright exhausting.

Seen as "I'll get up and do something nice for myself that will make me happy right now" it's not terribly exhausting at all.

Don't try to lump everything together. You've worked hard in the past and you're not at the top of whatever mountain you think you have to climb but you've learned so much over the years that none of that knowledge or those experiences is ever truly wasted. That information will be helpful to you as you move forward, even if it's only a reminder of what NOT to do.

If you try to lump together all the work you've already done with all the work you think you have to do and cram it all into one single moment in your head and heart, it can certainly be monumentally overwhelming.

Inch by inch, it's a cinch. Yard by yard, it's hard.

Baby steps, hon. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out. One step at a time.

We're here for you ... again and still and always.

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 Post subject: Re: untwisting my wacked out head
PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 11:12 am 
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Thank you all for your responses - they made me cry but not in a bad way.

What can I do to make myself feel safer? .... reopen my savings account. I feel safer when I know I have a cushion of money in case (when) life goes wrong. I have pepper spray so I'm physically safe. I need to make sure that I'm getting to work on time (which I have issues with) so my job is safe, especially now in this economy.

Why not allow myself to freak out? ... because I'm terrified of the intensity of my emotions. Plus, sometimes I don't know which emotions are real and normal like the grief I'm feeling over having Chris not in my life and which emotions are just wacked and I'm supposed to change my thoughts so I don't feel them. One thing I'm really trying to work on is allowing myself to feel things. I feel such a strong aversion to the intensity that I have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to sit with the emotions and the emotions can't technically kill me. It's really difficult because it feels like they truly are going to kill me.

Ash-your post seriously made me cry because it is so nice to have people understand what I'm feeling or understand that I think differently than the average person. And you reminded me of a lot of stuff, like the baby steps, that I "know" but I've been really forgetting lately. Thank you!

And you are right - I've been here before and even though it sucks that I'm repeating some of the unhealthy patterns but I'm not completely. When Chris and I first split, I really lost it for about a month. Everything was chaos. But a month is much better than a year and a half, which is what happened the first time I went through this with my ex-fiance. Unlike last time, this time I'm making it to work everyday. I'm not holed up in my apartment, not paying for anything, not opening mail, not getting out of bed, not showering. So, I am making progress. Like you said, baby steps. Baby steps are very very helpful.

Thank you all for your encouragement, your help and your support. I really like this BB because it is so nice to have a BB that helps me actively focus on different skills. I don't want to be in pain. I want to increase the quality of my life and strive towards my potential. This BB helps me do that and I am so thankful to all of you!

smiles,

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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