Good job, Pip, good start!
Now that you realize your twisted thoughts, the trick becomes getting yourself to think in that untwisted way as often as possible. Sounds silly, but just re-framing my thoughts has done wonders for me! Even if it doesn't feel 'right' at first.....give it some time to sink in if you can.
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I'm alone and in Colorado. It's not safe.
What ACTIONS can you take that will help you to feel safe, without involving anyone else? What can you do about this? What makes you feel safer with someone than without them? (aren't you still in the same place?, do you know how to defend yourself if the occasion arose? is there any activity that you can do to meet people so that you don't feel alone?) Who is Pip-- just Pip, without outside influence?
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I'm sorry, this is not making me feel better. I'm holding on by my fingertips here because I feel like I"m going to freak out at any moment. I'm supposed to remind myself that I am safe and I am strong. I sure as hell don't feel safe or strong. I feel like my emotions are going to jump out of my skin at any moment and attack me. There's a battle inside. How can I tell if I'm winning?
Why not allow yourself to 'freak out'? I mean, allow those emotions to come out of you while you are in a safe place like your home? Why not feel all of this and then let it go? What would that look like to you?
Oh, and in my book, you are winning as long as you keep fighting--- which you are doing now very well.
Really try to remember, even in the heat of all this........perception= thoughts. Thoughts= feelings. Feelings=momentary.
If you can control your perceptions about your situation (re-frame them) then your thoughts about the situation (again, re-frame when you can) then your emotional response to the situation will be different.
It amazes me still as part of this recovery process, how much 'control' I do indeed have over my emotions. By choosing my thoughts and perceptions, I effect my emotional response. I choose. So can you!
It doesn't happen right away. In fact, I can't look at a single day where I said "wow, that was all I had to do!" This stuff is not easy and comes very gradually. But it does indeed come. Climbing a mountain begins with one small step.......then plodding along until the summit is reached. You have begun to climb that mountain.....now plod along, the summit is waiting for you!!
(((((pip)))))