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 Post subject: She is avoiding me
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:55 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2009 9:35 pm
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Location: Near Pittsburgh, PA
She tells me that she loves me, but when I feel anxiety come on from the simplest rejection, or even percieved rejection, I disasociate myself from talking to her so I don't include her my turmoil and I can get a better grasp on things on my own by self calming myself and not relying on someone else to relax me. I know that if I get into my feelings of despair with her, that I will spiral out of control with her and it will end p being one big mess.

Here's an example. She knows her boss at work hatres her and is waiting for the first thing he can find to fire her. I know this, because she has told me. Anyway, this is on the weekends and she needs the money from this job to survive. I asked her a few times in the past to ask if she can have the weekend off just this once so we can make plans and spend some quality time together. She is afraid that if she asks her boss this, that he will tell her that she can take the time off this weekend and every wekkend, and he will find someone else to take her position.

So anyway, I asked her if we could spend this weekend together and if she could tray and at least ask. Short story from a long one, she said no because of her feelings of her boss towards her. I began to feel this rejection anxiety, like it was a personal attack. I started to tell her that I know how she feels about this and she wouldn't ask for the weekend off, but I was asking one more time, and after I heard her tell me no, that I would never ask again. She asked me if I really think that she doesn't want to spend the weekend with me. I told her no, but I felt like she valued her job more than our relationship. I caught myself there, and told her that I was feeling this way, and that I needed to go and calm myself down. She got upset that I wouldn't talk to her, and hung up sadly.

Later tonight, I tried calling her again after I felt more calm, and she wouldn't take or return my calls. I have anxiety of rejection really kicking in, and left her a message that said"

"I just wanted to talk to you again tonight. I hope you're alright, and everything between us is alright also. I can't help thinking this way, it's a flaw of mine. I get anxiety with the smallest amount of rejection, even percieved rejection that I make up in my head. It's something I'm working hard to fix. I hope to talk to you again tonight, but if not, good night, sweet dreams, and I'll talk to you tomorrow I guess"

This is where I'm at now, because she knows how much I hate being avoided or een the smallest rejection. How do I deal with her not getting back to me tonight?....ARGH

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 Post subject: Re: She is avoiding me
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 8:19 pm 
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Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am
Posts: 1465
So, it sound like you don't need her to deal with your feelings-- in fact, you choose to isolate yourself when feeling a certain way, right? But still, those initial feelings are coming from her (or a reaction to her)-- not from you-- right? After you feel calm enough individually, you seek her out again, is all this correct?

Quote:
she knows how much I hate being avoided or een the smallest rejection. How do I deal with her not getting back to me tonight?....ARGH

You don't, at least not with her doing or not doing anything. This one is yours to own. It's not up to her what you will perceive as a rejection or not, it's not up to her to regulate your own emotions. Period. If you want to deal with her not getting back to you, try dealing with your perception of things (untwisting) rather than relying on another for your own emotional well-being. Period. And maybe taking a look at the mixed messages you might be sending to others at the same time.

Quote:
So anyway, I asked her if we could spend this weekend together and if she could tray and at least ask. Short story from a long one, she said no because of her feelings of her boss towards her. I began to feel this rejection anxiety, like it was a personal attack. I started to tell her that I know how she feels about this and she wouldn't ask for the weekend off, but I was asking one more time, and after I heard her tell me no, that I would never ask again. She asked me if I really think that she doesn't want to spend the weekend with me. I told her no, but I felt like she valued her job more than our relationship. I caught myself there, and told her that I was feeling this way, and that I needed to go and calm myself down. She got upset that I wouldn't talk to her, and hung up sadly.

Okay, you've asked her and received your answer. This doesn't imply that she cares more about her job than you-- and so what if it did? Do you honestly wish her to sacrifice herself for anyone else, including you? Don't you want her to be happy too? Also, if you have made a promise that this is the last time you will bring up this subject.....I suggest you keep your word.

I really see that you are trying.....but I also truly believe that a refresher of the my stuff vs. your stuff section (seperation of stuff) would totally help.

I'm sorry, I feel like my response to your query is a bit harsh, and I don't mean it that way at all. I just want you to see your situation from an outside perspective....I think it can help you. All my best...... :D

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"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

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