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 Post subject: untwisting once again
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 4:33 pm 
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Once again trying to untwist....

For the last few days I have felt so incredibly sad and angry. Why do I feel sad?

Because I miss Chris and it sucks
(this is probably normal grief and not twisted.)


because I uprooted my life to move when he asked me to and now I'm stuck out here, alone and scared and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life.

(this is probably twisted but I'm not sure how. I know I'm supposed to focus on one moment at a time. Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I'm not completely stuck out here. My parents said worse case scenario they'd fly me home, even though if they did that I'd still have the same problem with having to start my life over again.


I'm sad because after all this time he up and left me for another woman and that makes me feel like once again I'm never good enough. I'm good enough for awhile and then people leave, like in the beginning people like me but then after time goes by they see my true self and then they abandon me for someone else.
okay this is twisted. I"m supposed to tell myself that I am a good person. I see my abandonment issues messing with me in this sentence. This has been a long-standing issue for me. According to the Four Agreements, I'm not supposed to take anything personally. Him liking this girl is more about HIM than it is about me. I don't know if that statement is accurate or not.


I'm so hurt that he treated me badly by cheating and I'm so hurt he could choose this other woman over me. And I'm so sad because I NEVER thought he would do that to me.
I don't think this is twisted. I am hurt because he cheated and I am hurt that we are not together and I am hurt that he likes this other woman and prefers to be with her than with me. BUT I need to remember that it doesn't make this other woman better than me. I need to remember that I am not less of a person because he chose her. That one is really really hard to remember because it doesn't feel true - but that's probably just emotional reasoning which is twisted

Im sad because I miss him holding me at night.
again, not twisted I think. I do miss him holding me at night.

I'm so sad because I'm lonely. I'm sad because it is a beautiful day out and I can't share that with him.
this doesn't seem twisted either ... more like grieving I think

I have serious issues with thinking that I may never talk to him again, that he may not be in my life and I need him to be in my life somehow. I don't know why I just know that the thought of him not in my life in some capacity really freaks me out.
this is probably twisted - once again abandonment issues. People come and go in life all the time. Certain people are important at the time. My ex-fiance was important to me at the time and I was devastated when we broke up but I did eventually get over it and I can think of my ex-fiance now without feeling upset at all. So it stands to reason that in time, I will be able to think of Chris and not get upset.

And Im angry because I am so so tired of feeling sad. I'm angry that I feel like I have to start my whole life over again and it is terrifying. I am not good with change.
It doesn't really do me any good to be angry at being sad because I just am sad. And although I really wish I could fast forward through all of this emotional crap, the REALITY is I can't. All I can do is allow myself to feel sad and keep reminding myself that feelings are temporary. As for starting my whole life over again - yep I think that part is pretty accurate but I am in a better place to start my life over again than I was 7 years ago and I did it then so I should be able to do it now. It is true I don't adapt to change as easily as most people so I guess in order to adapt to change I just need to work on being mindful and to live life in moments and take baby steps rather than overwhelming myself with thinking there is this huge stretch of the rest of my life which I don't know what to do with.

yep that's it. I wish my rational side and my emotional side could mesh better together. This did help a little bit. I'm still sad but I can see that some of my sadness is probably normal. Doesn't make it any easier to go through though.

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"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting once again
PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 7:32 am 
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Hi Pip! Great job with the untwisting. Unfortunately, this seems to be one of those situations that might just suck for a while. I'm sorry.....but I know you can do it. Oh, and if this turns out to be really long....well.....

I do have a couple of things to add (as usual, :biggrin ):
Quote:
Because I miss Chris and it sucks
(this is probably normal grief and not twisted.)

I agree that this is normal grief. It is my belief and hope that within time, you will not see this so much as something that has been to you, but for you. An opportunity.

Quote:
because I uprooted my life to move when he asked me to and now I'm stuck out here, alone and scared and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life.

(this is probably twisted but I'm not sure how. I know I'm supposed to focus on one moment at a time. Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I'm not completely stuck out here. My parents said worse case scenario they'd fly me home, even though if they did that I'd still have the same problem with having to start my life over again.

Okay, so maybe you made some poor choices (moving) or just counted on the wrong person or whatever-- it happens. I see the twisted part as you say you are stuck there-- as if you have absolutely nothing to do with the choice of where you live. You do, in fact as an adult, you are the only one who does.

I think of life as a tree with various branches (it used to me my profile pic!). If I choose one branch, there are many choices from there of smaller branches, but I'm on that same branch until I make another choice. By choosing a different branch in the first place, I have a whole new set of options (choices) in front of me. I can't usually go back without more choices and consequence, so choosing my branches must be a calculated risk for me.

You chose your branches (to move and to be with him, a branch and a smaller limb) and now that small branch (him) gets broken off in a storm. But your still on the big branch and there are TONS of smaller branches you can use to guide your life from there. And, since this branch is nearer the base of the tree, you can go back and choose another branch altogether. But, there are consequence to every action (good or bad). Maybe you won't like moving as much as you think, maybe you'll be disappointed you left at all, maybe the perfect match for you is waiting in the town your in or maybe at home......no one knows where the branches will really lead, but there are clues along the way. And no mistakes, only opportunities. No 'supposed to'-- this is your life, live it in a way that makes sense to you, your own version of 'supposed to'.

Okay, I kinds got off on a tangent there, but I hope you understand my point.

Quote:
I'm sad because after all this time he up and left me for another woman and that makes me feel like once again I'm never good enough. I'm good enough for awhile and then people leave, like in the beginning people like me but then after time goes by they see my true self and then they abandon me for someone else.
okay this is twisted. I"m supposed to tell myself that I am a good person. I see my abandonment issues messing with me in this sentence. This has been a long-standing issue for me. According to the Four Agreements, I'm not supposed to take anything personally. Him liking this girl is more about HIM than it is about me. I don't know if that statement is accurate or not.

He left you for another woman-- his choice. This doesn't mean that you aren't 'good enough' but maybe just that the two of you together weren't quite right.

This might strike some controversy around here and that's not my intention, but: If there is some aspect about your personality that is constantly getting you hurt, why continue to do it? I barely know you, but you seem like a very good desirable person. But maybe there is some aspect of your personality that keeps people running-- like abandonment issues. These are things that you can work on, if you choose to do so.

I don't believe that all people are good.....I believe that all people have the capacity for both good and bad, along with much in the middle. I believe for me to come to know myself as a 'good' person, I had to figure out those actions that I was doing that caused me to believe I wasn't worthy of love. It's been a tough road. But until I changed what I didn't like about myself (to the best of my ability, I'm not perfect).....I began to believe I was 'worthy'.

Are they really running away from your 'true self' or are they running from your (possibly BPD) behaviour? To me, there is a big difference between the Authentic Self and your actions-- they don't always match up. Do you like all of the actions you were party to in the relationship, are they really true to who you are as a person? My guess would be no, but you're having a hard time changing the behaviors that don't match up with your Authentic Self.

I guess part of what I'm trying to say is that if there are two people in the relationship, it usually does take both of them to allow it to fail. Figure out and claim your responsibility for the break-up and just deal with that. I don't honestly believe that anything you could have done gave him the right to cheat (I'm very much against that in any situation), but there may be things you did or didn't do in the relationship that contributed to his decision. This does not make you a bad person-- please don't misunderstand. I just always think it takes two and figuring out your role may help you in future relationships and just generally to move forward with your head high.

I do think that him liking the other girl is more about him (his character) than you.....but it takes two to tango. If you take this personally, you will only succeed in lowering your own esteem further; it won't help you. I try to only do things that help me achieve my goals. It IS about him that he left, but somewhere along the line your actions were involved in that situation (probably, if he doesn't have a history of habitual cheating). So, for the now and for the future boil it down to the basic and try to make your actions go in line with your Authentic Self.

Quote:
I'm so hurt that he treated me badly by cheating and I'm so hurt he could choose this other woman over me. And I'm so sad because I NEVER thought he would do that to me.
I don't think this is twisted. I am hurt because he cheated and I am hurt that we are not together and I am hurt that he likes this other woman and prefers to be with her than with me. BUT I need to remember that it doesn't make this other woman better than me. I need to remember that I am not less of a person because he chose her. That one is really really hard to remember because it doesn't feel true - but that's probably just emotional reasoning which is twisted

I totally agree with your assessment. You are not 'less than' because of someone else's choice. Period. Re-read separation of stuff in the tools box, it may help. She is not better than you, you are not better than her. You both will have good and bad qualities. Seeing her as all-good and seeing yourself as all-bad is just black-and-white thinking-- not helpful and not reality.
Quote:
I'm so hurt that he treated me badly by cheating and I'm so hurt he could choose this other woman over me. And I'm so sad because I NEVER thought he would do that to me.
I don't think this is twisted. I am hurt because he cheated and I am hurt that we are not together and I am hurt that he likes this other woman and prefers to be with her than with me. BUT I need to remember that it doesn't make this other woman better than me. I need to remember that I am not less of a person because he chose her. That one is really really hard to remember because it doesn't feel true - but that's probably just emotional reasoning which is twisted

Grief is difficult for anyone. I feel for you on these, totally. But...time will help. And actually allowing yourself to feel the emotions totally so that you can get past them.
Quote:
I have serious issues with thinking that I may never talk to him again, that he may not be in my life and I need him to be in my life somehow. I don't know why I just know that the thought of him not in my life in some capacity really freaks me out.
this is probably twisted - once again abandonment issues. People come and go in life all the time. Certain people are important at the time. My ex-fiance was important to me at the time and I was devastated when we broke up but I did eventually get over it and I can think of my ex-fiance now without feeling upset at all. So it stands to reason that in time, I will be able to think of Chris and not get upset.

I agree with your assessment. For this one, why don't you try the vertical arrow technique? I think it's good to remember other similar times and how you got through those, too. Good job.
Quote:
And Im angry because I am so so tired of feeling sad. I'm angry that I feel like I have to start my whole life over again and it is terrifying. I am not good with change.
It doesn't really do me any good to be angry at being sad because I just am sad. And although I really wish I could fast forward through all of this emotional crap, the REALITY is I can't. All I can do is allow myself to feel sad and keep reminding myself that feelings are temporary. As for starting my whole life over again - yep I think that part is pretty accurate but I am in a better place to start my life over again than I was 7 years ago and I did it then so I should be able to do it now. It is true I don't adapt to change as easily as most people so I guess in order to adapt to change I just need to work on being mindful and to live life in moments and take baby steps rather than overwhelming myself with thinking there is this huge stretch of the rest of my life which I don't know what to do with.

Again, great job. "pain is resistance to change" -- in other words, if I am fighting the inevitable it won't work. Change is the one constant in mine and most people's lives.....I truly believe to heal BPD issues, we must lean how to adapt to new circumstance better-- to quit fighting the inevitable. This in no way means giving up or 'quitting'. I see it as learning to work at life smarter, not harder-- learning the current and how to flow with it in the direction we choose. Life will always be full of change; if we flow a bit better it is so much easier and better than to spend our whole lives fighting the current. Not to say always flow (some things do require against the current action) but more than we once did maybe. Adaptation.
Quote:
I'm still sad but I can see that some of my sadness is probably normal. Doesn't make it any easier to go through though.

Well, you are the one going through it not me, but I would think it's easier to get through something if I'm not thinking I'm crazy about it. I know it's tough, but it's okay to be sad, to grieve.

:comfort

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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 Post subject: Re: untwisting once again
PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 7:34 am 
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:blush Wow, this length thing is outta control......I promise to do better! :blush

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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