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 Post subject: trying to untwist again
PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 4:28 pm 
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I feel sad and stir crazy and overwhelmed. Why? It's Friday night and there's a three day weekend and I'm dreading it. I'm worried I won't be able to control my head well enough, and that I'll just be miserable. I feel lost and scared. I feel ugly and worthless. I hate knowing he's with that other female, knowing they'll all be hanging out and probably barbequing. I miss him although I'm also mad at myself for missing him because he treated me so badly and I feel worthless because how could he "love" me but then treat me that badly. That doesn't make sense to me.

okay, I have to accept reality. Accepting reality is the only way out of hell. I don't have to like reality, but I need to accept it. As usual, I see a lot of emotional reasoning. I need to understand that feelings are temporary and five years from now I'll probably be able to think of him and not feel so sad. I'm not a mind reader - I don't know what his plans are and really it doesn't even matter because I need to focus on myself and not worry so much about what or who he's doing. Plus, according to the four agreements, I'm not supposed to take anything personally. It is very hard not to take this situation personally, but I need to remember that Chris has his own issues and the way he treated me is more about him than it is me. I don't know if that is accurate or not but we'll go with it for right now.

I'm not worthless. It doesn't feel that way at all but I know Im supposed to tell myself that I have value. This is a self-esteem issue I think, and its not going to go away overnight. So for right now I need to focus on the present moment. In this moment, it is a beautiful day. In this moment, I have options. I could go for a bike ride. I could go shopping. I don't have to be miserable. I just need to control my mind enough so I'm not fixating on what's wrong with my life. I need to understand that life is both good and bad. There are good things in my life. I like the people I work with. I pay cheap rent even though granted I hate where I live but it is practical. I'm doing so much better this time around than I did seven years ago when B and I split. I've kept my job. I"m opening my mail, I'm paying my bills this time around. I've even had some good days lately. I've managed to reopen my savings and have a little bit saved. I'm surviving.

As long as I'm breathing, I'm succeeding.

I think I also just have to accept that I feel bad. Allow myself to watch those emotions float through my brain. Invite them in for tea, like that book says, and not try to run away from them all the time. This situation is realistically one of the top ten worst experiences of my life, but I'm still here, still breathing, still trying. I"m going to focus on one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time and give myself a damn break because I am fighting to be okay.

_________________
"I can lose my hard-earned freedom if my fear defines my world. I declare my independence from the critics and the stones. I declare my revolution, I can learn to stand alone."


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 Post subject: Re: trying to untwist again
PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 6:45 pm 
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Good!!!! You are fighting to be OK.....and you will be. Just remember that this time too shall pass....it is just temporary.

Also, breaking up with your BF is personal...and it is normal to take it personally. But given that, you need to remember that the reasons you broke up are not all about you......it may be about him or it may be that you two together just didn't work. I think that is maybe the hardest thing to accept....but also the most liberating. When you can accept that you stop hating him for being happy with someone else and realize that by breaking up you did each other a favor by making room for other things to come in your life.

i hope you get out and enjoy the wonderful evening.....at least it is here!! Sometimes when I used to feel like that I'd go and people watch someplace......anyplace...out of the house.

keep up the good work!! Come back and write if you still feel stressed.


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 Post subject: Re: trying to untwist again
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 10:33 am 
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Wow! Great job, Pip! I could really feel your untwisting going on......you came up with logical reasons and feelings and ways to help them pass! You also remark about how some things are good for you to just feel-- not judging or suppressing the feeling, but 'invite it to tea'. I'm really impressed. If you were to go back to when you first began to post here and compare the posts, you might see that you have more strength than you may realize.

One thing stuck out to me:
Quote:
I'm worried I won't be able to control my head well enough, and that I'll just be miserable.

If you worry about something that hasn't happened yet (we all do, I think it's all about the amount of time we allow that to go on) it tends to happen the way you foresee it. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all.

What if you only worried about what you can change-- the NOW? Why waste energy on what hasn't happened yet or what has already been done? I find thinking only about this moment and this moment alone, dealing with just that small bit of time.....well, for me it really helps. It breaks it down for me into bits I can manage-- the future is overwhelming to me at times! If you can only focus on the Now and what's happening right then.....you can come up with an action to counter the negative feelings.

Really great post, Pip. And, I think you have received some really good advice from Skiotter; just wanted to add my two cents.

I hope last night went well and today is going okay too. I know this is difficult, but you CAN get through it and come out on top!

_________________
Temet Nosce-- The Oracle
"Pain is resistance to change."
--Ida Rolf

BRING IT ON!! -- personal mantra


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